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Wednesday, November 14, 2012

shine bright little star.

part of me feels like i need to apologize for me, but i won't.

part of me feels that i should apologize for what happened TO me, but that's not going to happen either.

instead... i'm going to thank you.

and please, don't take credit, because there are some of you who are going to say, i've been around, i've been there for her, and you're a lying piece of shit who needs to jump off it because you went running when things got tough and you're no longer in the picture because there's no longer room for me in your life. and that's fine. you're reading this and you probably are thinking, what is she talking about? i was there. sure, you were. at some point. and that's fine. so thanks. you served your purpose. maybe a season. but seasons change. so make like an autumn leaf and go fly away. your colors changed, you've fallen from my tree. goodbye.

ANYWAY.

this is to those of you who are here. who are now. those of you who haven't left. who have stepped up. who have shared in my heartache. my struggles. my frustrations. you've cried with me. you've sang with me. you've laughed with me. you've sang to me. you've helped me find my joy again. you've helped me find the song in my heart when i thought i had no song left to sing. you didn't leave.

and i thought you did. so many times i had felt like you forgot about me, like you had moved on without me, like i didn't matter. like my tears didn't mean anything. that my struggles meant nothing... but that was never the case, was it? you were always here, weren't you...

if you've been paying attention, any attention at all, you know that i have this little disease called CUSHINGS. and you know that it sucks, it sucks A WHOLE LOT. you know that i put on a brave face and i smile through it the best i can. now, if you've done your research, and by research i mean more than just read my blog you know about what comes with it. in case you haven't, i'll fill you in... this is what i've been dealing with:
- SEVERE mood swings angel-bitch-psycho-crying-angel real fast and not know why
- SEVERE panic attacks
- SEVERE anxiety- to the point where i'll be afraid to leave my house
- night terrors
- 29 and in menopause
- i can't conceive, i can't give birth... that's alot for a young girl to deal with. ALOT.
- confusion
- forgetfulness- who/where i am
- memory loss- who/where you are, what we're doing, what we're supposed to be doing, past events, the past few years
- dizzy spells, nausea, falling into things, stomach issues, MRSA, infections, tumors, sinus junk
- migraines that confine me to bed
- 3 brain surgeries
- balance difficulty
- loss of sight in my right eye
- bone loss, which means my bones are very brittle
- i've shrunk- i'm now 5'11 1/2 and i used to be almost 6'1
- i weighed almost 300lbs and i used to be 185...
- my body went through crazy changes. i hated the way i look. some days i still do.
- a moon face.
- easy brusing
- scared that i'm going to die. because this disease is a silent killer. and no one understands it. doctors don't get it. we don't get it. YOU don't get it.

that's just a little blurb. so... it hasn't been an easy journey. it still isn't easy. i mentioned in my last blog about a breakdown i had back in october. well, that breakdown probably should've hospitalized me. i'm not even kidding. i thought about it. signing myself into the hospital. not around here though, pmc sucks monkey balls. BIG monkey balls, god i hate that place. but yes, i did really think about it, alot. alot, alot. i went and saw my psychiatrist, and i have no secrets, and no shame in saying that i cried alot when i talked to her and she said, you don't need an antidepressant, you need a mood stabilizer. and ya know what? i finally caved. i said ok. i hate being on medication, and i've resisted for so long. but, i said ok. i did not want to be the crazy girl on medication!!! but, ok. let's try it. it's not fair to my family or my friends or to me to be snapping all the time. to not understand what's wrong. and my dr, she said, you're not crazy. you had a tumor take over your brain nicole. you need help, it's ok to take the help. so, ok. and you know what? i'm getting there. i'm understanding things more. i'm not as sad. i'm not freaking out all the time. it's only been a week, but i'm seeing a difference. granted, i just kinda yelled at my mom, sorry ma. but, it's a gradual thing. and i'm gonna get there. and i'm gonna be ok.

but you... you haven't given up on me, have you? you've stuck  by me. mood swings, crying spells, happy, sad... all of it.

and when i wanted to drive off the road, you wouldn't let me. when i wanted my life to end, you made me see the value. you all just wrapped your arms around me and said it's going to be ok. we love you. you love you, it's in there. you're gonna find it again. when i couldn't find my song, you sang it to me. you didn't leave me, you were always here. i just... i can't always see it.

sometimes the brightest stars need the darkest skies to shine. i love you for shining through my darkness

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