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Monday, October 1, 2012

pills, pills and more pills...

instead of saying, there's an app for that... in my life it's... i have a pill for that.

seriously. you should see the arsenal of medication i have. pain meds. nausea meds. life saving meds. blood thinning injections. steroids should i go into an adrenal crisis. something for anxiety and panic attacks. headache meds- because i can't take regular tylenol. something to stop me from going apeshit on someone. something for acid reflux. breathing medication. c.diff medication. antibiotics that i need to keep around. MRSA cream. bacitracin-because im allergic to neosporin. vitamins.

you want it? chances are... i got it.

and you know what? im getting to the point where i am ready to be done. i just am done. i don't want to take anymore pills. i don't want to inject myself every day. i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. ok, so it's not ALL the time. but september really took a toll on me- physically and mentally.

i really feel like i'm heading for a break down. and maybe that's why i've blogged two days in a row. maybe that's why the douchebag at the supermarket got to me and i broke into tears in my car...

oh right. my good time at giant...
so there i am. at giant. checking out. and i swiped my fs card. paid the rest in cash, and then i'm putting my bags in my cart when the guy behind me LITERALLY RAMS ME WITH HIS CART. I said, could you give me a second? His reply? Could you move a little faster? What the hell's wrong with you lady? My reply? I'm sorry. There's a reason I'm disability sir.

Are you fucking serious?! what the hell is wrong with people!? and this guy had to have been in his 40's or older. like seriously. he grew up in a time when people should have learned respect. 

so i brought my stuff to my car, walking slowly because i don't feel well. and i have tears streaming down my face. so after i put everything in my car, i walk back into the store. i'm not sure what i was going to do. he wasn't there, so i was going to tell the store manager about what had happened and then i thought... was he going to care? probably not. the cashier didn't say anything. she ignored it, so why bother?

so... i walked back to my car. sat in it for a while. started to cry and then thought i could drive home. nopers. so i drove to the back of the lot. and just bawled. i don't know if i was crying because i was treated like that, because my back hurt... shopping carts hurt, or just from everything i've been dealing with... 

but i'm home... and i have a pill for that. i have an arsenal. and i could take enough where i could never have to deal with ignorant pieces of shit again...

and then i think... that wouldn't really solve anything either. i'd much rather fight back. 

i look forward to the day where i no longer need to take 20 pills a day. not the day i have angel wings and am walking with al and aaron, though i know i will cherish the day i see them again...

this is why i hate october. 

anyway. i really am sick and tired of being sick and tired. i do have my good days but lately... it's been more bad than good. and i'm not liking that. i want more good than bad! 

and i'd really like people to reach out. i'm tired of reaching out. call this a cry for help or a cry for attention, call it whatever the hell you want. but if you care- do something about it and freakin prove yourself. because im slowing becoming done with you.

actually, i think i've already become done with you. if your picture's not on my wall... chances are your dead to me. and if i've taken your picture off my wall, then yeah... you ARE the weakest link. goodbye.

1 comment:

  1. Nicole, you are so inspiring! We will never really know all that you go through, yet you are always the sparkling personality in the room. I don't blame for being tired of the one who is always so buoyant.
    the fuctard in Giants was definitely the straw that broke the camels back and he's not fit to lick your shoes.
    I'll be in touch. Love you Sweetie!

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