i just want to cry

i do. i keep on biting back these tears.

does this mean the worst is over now? can i be free again? am i going to start getting healthy now?
SOMEONE ANSWER ME!!!

but no one can. because this disease doesnt give anyone answers. ever. my fingers are crossed though. i know there are probably cells still producing. but no tumor = a happy nicci. i just hope these meds work more. and better now that we got those mri results back...

its been such a stressful few weeks. moms cancer. my mri. pat dying. no tumor. stomach issues. the beautiful song lissa wrote me.

yes. this song. i cried when i read that she wrote it. i cried when i watched the video. i cried reading peoples comments and i cried when my computer let me put it on my ipod.

http://www.985krz.com/Feb-9-2012---songwriting-in-my-room------again/11276840?pid=207649

if you click the above link it will take you to her blog and video and awesomeness that is Lissa. how do i know her? funny you should ask- through hanson. haha. well, sort of. she works at the radio station that hooked me up with my meet and greet and dreams coming true., and through me being sick i met this incredible person who became an awesome friend/ally. shes snippy like me and i love reading her blogs/fb posts and just talking to her in general.

i think i will cry tomorrow. mom and i are going to the movies to celebrate. annie took me out this morning. and then my stomach exploded. and i havent felt that ill since lauras wedding and then my colonoscopy. i ran into the bathroom after the movie, then at jcpenny, then i had to have her drop me at target bc i couldnt make it home so my dad came and got me, then we stopped at the gas station and then pulled into my driveway and ran up the stairs. it really felt like someone was ripping apart my insides. i was hoping that was over, but i guess not.

im meeting with a new neurologist on monday. my dad was supposed to take me but he cant now... so i ended up posting a request on fb for a ride and,... my friend/cousin LB is comin over sunday night, from jersey, to take me monday morning. seriously? how freaking awesome is that. i am loved. no doubt about that.

and yeah, i get annoyed with people and they're sucktasticness but... when the going gets tough... THAT is when you see who's really going to be there. and i like who i see

i need to try and sleep tonight. lately i havent been. either stress or cushings or being sick. who the hell knows. but im hoping tonight i sleep.

and i cant tell if im having a reaction to the lamictal or not. she siad to look for a rash or cold like symptons and feeling like my throat is closing. well, i have all of the above but idk if its the meds or if im just getting sick. mom and i read all of the warning labels and possible side effects but... those are all side effects i have bc of the cushings. i had them all before i started.... oy. this is so much fun.

but baby charlie may be released tomorrow so that kinda rocks

<3 i love you. whoever is reading this. know that someone cares and that you're not alone. you're never alone <3