if i dont wake up singing....

i feel like...
hmmm

i need to wake up singing. whether it be the abcs, a prayer or some hip hop. i NEED to wake up singing. i NEED a song in my heart. i feel like, without one, the day is just going to suck. so if i dont wake up singing, its just blah. so, i try. i will put on the music channel while im getting dressed (and no not MTV or VH1 because, well, since when did MUSIC TELEVISION actually play music videos? this isn't the 90's anymore) ill listen and bounce around and cross my fingers that something sticks. i do the same thing in the shower, thank god for pandora.

i HAD been waking up singing and smiling and it was wonderful. but... that song seems to have disappeared. and that smile? eh. it's waning. maybe its because ive been in so much physical pain lately that it takes all i have to not cry and bitch and complain. or maybe it's because im so freaking frustrated that no one can figure out what's wrong with me. i mean.. it took 3-4 years for someone to actually listen to me. i just wish someone would have listened to me MONTHS ago when all of this started happening, or maybe it was more like a year. i feel like... if one test doesnt show something, do another test. why oh WHY do i have to look for tests to ask for? last time i checked, i didn't have an MD after my last name. but ill keep looking. someone is going to figure something out. i just wish it would be sooner than later!

and why... oh why... do i keep coming back to this patience thing?! yes, God, I get it. I've never been a patient person, always wanting an end result faster. always looking for the answers right away, and not quitting until i find them... maybe that's my lesson in all this. when i look back at my life, the past few years (think college-esque and later), i remember, well,... when looking at pictures sometimes im reminded of the 'mistakes' or 'lessons learned' that ive made. i had started stopping my life. sounds strange doesn't it? but i stopped taking time to enjoy life, ok, no. thats not it. because i always had a good time. i guess i stopped taking time out to look at the little things, or stopping to smell the roses. i was in such a hurry to get my life on track and be a grown up, that i kind of forgot what living really was. and now that my life has come ot a halt, ive started to craving living more? or maybe i want more answers and faster because im tired of the hurt? i dont know. i thought i knew where i was going when i started writing this, but i guess i didnt. eh well, ceis la vie <3