it's dark here

it's dark here
and not just because it's midnight

everything just feels so
empty
dark
sullen
angry
sad
lonely

i have this vision of what it would be like if i left
seated around the table at my pop-pop's house in wayne
all of my family who've gone before me
al is there
aaron is there
there's ham on the table
pineapple
root beer
everyone is smiling
laughing
i have this overwhelming sense of love
of family
like everything is finally going to be ok
that i'm home.
my family hugs me
i'm at the other head of the table
we're all laughing
and i look up
and there he is
petey-pete
he just stands there.
looking at me.
shaking his head. arms crossed
i always thought he'd be happy to see me
and he just keeps saying
it's not time
it's not your time
you need to go home.
all i want to do is be here
in this home
this paradise
with my loved ones
where the darkness no longer exists
where the pain will stop
where i can be free
i can have thanksgiving and easter whenever i want it
mooch and snickers and buttecup are running around
i mean
normy won't be here
but one day he will be
i'll have al. my alphonso
i'll be surrounded by unconditional, non-painful love
all the time
there will be never-ending laughter
a place no more harm will come to my heart
my body
my soul
a place i can be myself and not feel like someone is going to yell
someplace i won't be made to feel wrong
feel like i'm some terrible human for caring too much
like the knowledge i have due to circumstances beyond my control
make me  a shitty person
that my need to care
my loving too hard
makes me seem like a bad person.
i won't have to have another broken heart
cry anymore tears.
i'll be the one welcoming people into the green house
with the big table
and the neverending lifesavers in the crystal dish
the ugly couch that everyone loved to hate but had the best cushions to sleep on
the rocking chair for the little ones who were lost before they had a time to shine
the cigars for the pops while the played poker
and the pots of sauce on the stove while gram taught me how to make bread
we'd have a never-ending garden of fresh vegetables
i'd be eating radishes with my other pop, just like before
on the deck
and they'd be gross
but maybe they'd taste better in my paradise
everything is better here.
but petey
oh my petey
he's the one keeping me here.
he just shakes his head
and tells me to go back
it's not time yet
that i am loved
and i am missed
but it's not time.
he messes up my hair
because he knows i hate that
kisses my forehead
turns to my family and nods.
they know they've had me long enough.
i have to hug them
i have to come back
kiss my dogs
kiss my grandparents
my aunts
my uncles
my aaron
my alphonso
the sister i never knew.
and then petey
he hugs me tight
he tells me he's here
he's always here
and it's going to get better.
and one day
one day far away
it'll be time for thanksgiving
with extra pineapple.


it's dark here
and not just because it's midnight.

**************************
It's been two years today.
8.9.2017
SGT Peter Kamper, EOW #164