can i have your attention please

no but really?
can i?

i don't think  you've been paying attention.
like
at all.

9 years people.
9.
have you heard a damn word of what i've said?

no really

have you?

i'm not really sure how else to explain things
how many more pictures
how much more detail
i need to give you
to make you try to understand
any of this.

this isn't easy
healing isn't easy
this life isn't easy.

it is a daily struggle to keep going
the pain is never ending
the medication is never ending
literally
if i stop taking it
i will die.

I REPEAT

IF I STOP TAKING MY MEDICATION I WILL DIE.
I
WILL
DIE

that is the definition of life sustaining medication.

look it up.
do the research i've been asking
no begging
you to do for the last 9 years.

have you?
have any of you?

just because i'm smiling
doesn't mean i'm not in pain

a smile doesn't mean an easy day

a smile means
hey
fuck you
i'm going to push anyway

a smile means
hey
i had ice cream
so that was awesome

a smile means
hey
we woke up today
let's keep going

a smile means
we don't want frown lines.

it doesn't mean i'm cured.
it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt
it doesn't mean my life suddenly became easier.

i'm not sure why people seem to think surgeries aren't serious
especially for me
i am the queen of complications
i mean
come on now

my routine ankle reconstruction
wasn't routine
more things to be fixed

follow-up showed
i can't bend my foot
i can't put pressure down

when i say i still can't walk
I STILL CAN'T DO IT.

why do you think i'm lying?

if i say i can't leave the house
i physically cannot leave.
are you going to push?
are you going to pick me up?

yeah

didn't think so

when it comes to visiting
you don't
so kindly shut up

i am not lying
this is not easy

ask any of the people who are here
every day
who see this

do you want me to video this for you?
how i can't get out of bed?
my screaming in the middle of the night?
no?
ok then
so stop

if i say no
it's no
it's not let's guilt you
let's do this
let's do this

NO

drive
visit
do all the things i can't

follow the fuck through

stop with the one days
and start with the todays.

i was visiting you with a broken foot
while on driving restriction

done

d
o
n
e

stop.

pay attention

really

pay attention

i took a year off because i was going to end my life
i was going to end it.
i was done
i was tired of feeling so completely alone
like the entire world had abandoned me
my family
my friends
everyone i loved
everyone
i was alone.
i took a year to find some peace
to gather myself
to try and heal myself

and you know something?
coming back sucks

i think i preferred the quiet.

no one listened
no one paid attention
no one learned

i'm not sure why i kept trying
why i kept reaching
why i kept trying to educate
to help
to care
to keep going

none of it seemed to make a difference

i did
i made a difference
there's that one
i know he's out there
she's out there
and they listened

i'm sorry you're not
but i really hope you start
because i can't make this any clearer.

pay attention
i can't get any more graphic than i have been
but if you want x-rays, MRI reports and doctors notes because it's not really that serious, i'll gladly supply them.

xoxo