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Monday, March 19, 2012

who are you? seriously... who?

ive been hearing for quite sometime... 'i can finally be me again'. so if you're not you, then who are you? what made you become someone else? is the time for revamping yourself due to not liking the person you've become? what makes you who you are?

so i got to thinking... who AM i? what defines ME?

i know i started to not like the person i had become. there is no denying that. i became cold hearted, numb, stopped feeling... to me it was easier to not feel anything at all, rather then dealing with my emotions. and then i got sick. and had brain surgery and cushings and had my whole world get flipped. going blind, gaining weight, surgery after surgery, radiation, allowing myself to get involved with shitty people, possibly not being able to work... sitting around all the time reeeeeeaaaalllllllllllllyyyyyy gives you time to self-reflect. and i do, all the freaking time! it's given me time to reevaluate relationships, friendships, my life... the life i had led prior to being sick, the life i was attempting to live and the life im living now.

so... who am i?

im a daughter. 10.22.83 i came into this world to two awesome parents. they support me, believe in me, encourage me, fight for me, listen to me, love me, laugh with me, cry with me, inspire me. i hope that one day im able to love the way that they do. i dont know if i ever want kids, but if i do, i hope im half the mom that my mother is.

i am a sister. the oldest of three. and i absolutely love them to pieces. they complete me. some laugh and say that your family cant be your closest friends, or your best friends... but i beg to differ. we love each other. we support each other. we pick on one another. we fight. we argue. but no matter what, we love. and that's the most important thing. love. it fixes everything.

i am a cupcake. i am sweet, i am fluffy, i make people feel good.

i am a best friend. i am a support system. i have a support system.

i am green. i am crazy. i am obsessed with parade day. not so much st patricks day, but the scranton parade. which always brings a smile to my face, and to anyone who has the privilege of being with us at the parade. we just like to smile. we like to love life. we dont care that we're grown. we're fun. and that's awesome.

i am wild. well, WE are wild. and i love wildwood. and cape may. and north cape may. i love the beach and the ocean. it's just so healing...

i am a princess. and i wear my crown proudly.

i am strong. i am a fighter. i will fight until i cant fight anymore. life is too short to give up on. so dont.

i am a tigress. i may look like a sweet an innocent kitten... but trust me. i WILL rip you to shreds, and i WILL NOT feel in the least bit bad about it. i believe in honesty, no matter how brutal. but i can also be the sweet and cuddly kitten. it all kinda depends on you.

i am part of something incredible. with someone incredible. i love my cousin. no one quite gets me the way he does. and im so blessed that our hearts beat together. always. forever. no matter what.

i am the freshmaker. because im always so fresh, so clean. and im a blast in a glass. and he's my hero. or the swagg doctor. not everyone understands our weirdness or why we do what we do, but WE understand each other and WE understand our craziness. and that's what matters.

i am a domestic diva. i love to cook. i love to bake. i love mixing drinks- just because i cant drink, doesnt mean i wont make you fall on your ass :)

i am a dreamer. a lover. a fighter. a survivor. a princess. a sister. a daughter. a cousin. a friend. a best friend. a girl who takes too many pictures of her dog. im messy. im clean. i clutter. i wear make up. i dont wear makeup. i play dress up in my closet. i like the ren faire. im a fanson. im blind in one eye. i have cushings- cushings doesnt have me.

i like to laugh. i like to smile. i like to love. i like to make people feel better about themselves. i like knowing that i make people smile. i like random acts of kindness

i have an addiction to office supplies. i love going to target and buying $1 note cards to send to people. i like arts and crafts. id rather make my own hair accessories than buy them. i love animal print. i like wearing dresses. i hate wearing pants.

i wish it could be 72 degrees year round.

some call me an inspiration. some call me a hero. i call myself Nicci, or Cole.

i believe in love. oh yes i do! love can cure ANYTHING! maybe not financially, but a life in darkness is no life at all. id rather surround myself with love and light and happiness and laughter. why be miserable? what good does that do for anyone? NO GOOD AT ALL.

i dislike people. oh yes. i have a LIST of people who could get run over by a rhinocerous and i wouldnt shed a tear. id laugh though, alot. haha. the sheer image just brought a smile to my face. haha. im sure that sounds bitchy, but just as i wouldnt mind seeing footprints on their faces, i know there are people who would LOVE to see me fail. or get run over by a rhino. and that's ok. because guess what? IM NOT A FAILURE

im sick. it's true. i have cushings disease. and yeah, it's kinda come to define me. but that's ok. im sure people are sick of hearing about it... but heres the thing... i really dont give a shit. this is important to me, cushings disease awareness. its such a rare disease, and life threatening- people need to KNOW!
i have good days, bad days. days i cant breathe. days i cant leave the bathroom.days where i want to allow the darkness to swallow me whole. but... it is what it is. and im here. and im alive. and im thankful for that.

im tall. some say im too tall, but whatever. im tall enough.
im chubby. whatever. it wont last forever. as soon as i get better. BAM back to my skinny clothes

im spiritual. i believe in higher powers. i believe in healing yourself. i believe in magic.

i believe in the power of a smile. that it CAN heal a wounded soul and that MORE people should do it.

I CANT STAND COMPLAINERS! shut the fuck up. if you dont like the way your life is going DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! no one is gonna do it for you.

im not slutty. i refuse to spread my legs for random hook ups. or even guys i know. sorry. i have more self-respect for that. some people think im strange because im perfectly content NOT having sex and sleeping around. yeah, im 28 but why should i risk an STD or a pregnancy or even my self-worth? what the hell? im better than that.

i dont drink. i cant. ill die. simple as that. and that's fine. im thoroughly enjoying living this sober lifestyle. besides, give me some caffeine and im the woogirl all over again! i get a kick out of watching drunk people. sometimes, i think, omg... was i that bad? and no... i wasnt. i just made some poor life decisions... which is ok. because those are just lessons learned. i was a borderline alcoholic. and i see that now. and id never want to be that way again. i fell into awful relationships when intoxicated. but... i was also a ninja. and i could sing. well.. i thought i could. but i dont need liquid courage. im just gonna be courageous as is.

i have problems. we all do. and that's ok. its all just how you handle them.

i have ptsd. i have an anxiety disorder.i have insomnia.

i am all those things listed above and then some. but you know what? i wouldnt wanna be anyone else.

1 comment:

  1. Your spirit inspires me! Love it! :) I am looking forward to reading more of your blog and getting to know you! Let's kick Cushing's ass!!!!