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Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Cushings Awareness Challenge: day 1

Since I didnt have access to a computer... I'm taking the challenge now. And will complete each task daily.

april 8th is cushings awareness day...


day 1: 5 Challenges & 5 Small Victories. 
      challenges... there have been plenty! i lost sight in my right eye. it'll never come back. ever. how'd i lose my sight? my first surgeon did the surgery WRONG. but whatever. my depth perception sucks and ill get crazy pain in my eye, even though i can't see out of it. it's annoying as hell. walking into things, not seeing things coming at me and freaking out... i try to tell people that i only see half the ugly in the world, but it doesnt make not being able to see any easier. and then everyone asks me, you really cant see? no dumbass. im making this up. seriously?!
challenge 2: feeling comfortable in my own skin. i was never superskinny, but i never saw myself becoming this big. i gained 70lbs in a month. A MONTH!!! and i was eating yogurt and salads and working out 2-3 hours a day! A DAY! not 2-3 times a week... i was like a health nut. and nothing, NOTHING changed. so i became this blob. a blob of yuck. i felt so ugly. and so... gross. like... ew. i hated who i saw in the mirror... to the point where i would avoid them. and anyone who knew me pre-cushings... knew that wasn't me. id always STOP in front of a mirror to check myself. but then cushings struck me down. and i hated who i saw. and somedays? i still do.
challenge 3: feeling like the world went on without me. and ya know what? they did. i guess i shouldn't have expected people to understand or to really care... it was like... no one wanted to be with the sick girl. no one wanted to hang out because i couldnt do what i used to. i couldnt just take random road trips to the beach, no more amusement parks, no more running to the mall or going out to eat. everything took/ still takes, so much out of me. i get tired. i get weak. i get frustrated. i cant handle crowds. so, instead of people working with me... they left me. ALOT of them left me. even you. you reading this. you may think you didnt, but you did. every single one of my friends did. im not the same girl i once was. cushings changed me. and not everyone could handle that. i was no longer the life of the party. and even when people did come around... i never felt more alone than i do now...

challenge 4: the 'no one wants to love a sick girl' complex. man... that complex SUCKS. no one understood, and no one will ever understand, unless they get struck with this godawful disease. i felt so alone, and sometimes i still do. i couldnt/cant work. i cant provide for myself. i cant run around with my friends. i have limits... i NEVER had limits. i was a risk taker... now the little things scare me. some days im afraid to leave my house. and id always be the first one to run! i had/have/trying not to have this complex where i feel like such a burden to everyone. which is why i stopped trying to make plans with people. i always here: lets hang out. let's get together. i miss you. i get it.... but when it comes down to it- no one wants to. i feel like id just get in their way. and when they told me know, and i would go out- i saw their looks of frustration and disgust when id get tired. and i wouldnt want to do everything they did. i cant help it. i didnt ask for this. what the fuck? if you cant handle me at my worst, then why the hell do you deserve to be in my life as i get better? it was let down after let down, heartbreak after heartbreak... and i fought to stay positive. i FOUGHT to keep these friendships alive... but then learned how to say FUCK IT and let go. im a sick girl, but im also an amazing girl. IM A SURVIVOR and IM NOT WORTHLESS. IM WORTH IT. i just wish more of my 'best friends forever' 'through thick and thin' would see that...

challenge 5: staying positive. i lost my sight. i got fat. i trusted the wrong people. i let others hurt me. i felt/ feel like a burden. i lost a big chunk of who i am. im angry. im depressed. im anxious. i have panic attacks. there are days i cant get out of bed or lift my head off the pillow. and then if i have a bad day, im made to feel guilty for getting upset. IM ALLOWED TO BE ANGRY DAMNIT! but godforbid i show it!! so no... im not allowed to voice my anger or be negative... which isnt necessarily a bad thing because im always positive. i love seeing the good in people and in life. i had people YELLING at me because i had no right to be angry. NO RIGHT? are you fucking kidding me?! yeah. ok. so that made me feel worse about myself. but... on the days i feel like giving up, i remember that i dont have it that bad. sure, i could die any second but... i have to fight. and ill continue to fight. maybe it wasnt as hard as i thought it would be but... try to walk a mile in my shoes... i really dont think that many people could be as strong as i am. i dont care if that sounds conceited either. some days are harder than others but.... i find that continuing to do my random acts of kindness, and just continuing to be nice... helps. :)

5 small victories
1. the first time i bathed myself... after my first surgery my mom and sister had to help me shower... talk about humbling... i was having a superawful bad day and started throwing things, almost punched a hole in the door and said fuck it. i stormed into the bathroom slammed the door, threw my shower chair and took a shower. i lathered myself in victorias secret body wash and cried... and i gently washed my hair and i cried and cried and cried. kind of like im doing now. it hurts to remember everything ive been through and what im still fighting to go through... but i have to keep fighting. i cant quit...

2. feeding myself. i couldnt open my jaw bc the dr cut through it. i couldnt see to feed myself. i couldnt hold a spoon. i just didnt want to eat. and when the nurse force fed me i spit it right back at her. my dad would feed me. my mom. my sister. it was quite depressing. and i hated it. but then... i said fuck it. i made a mess of myself.... of course. all i wanted was tomato soup... that shit burns on bare skin... (surgery was in the summer, and put me into menopause so i was always hot and in tank tops and shorts) thank god for tide-to-go.

3.making taco dip. i freaking love that stuff. and would crave it. so i made it. i made a mess. got it in my cleavage, the table, the floor... everywhere but the pan... but i did it. my mom put me in the oven, but i did it.

4. walking without a walker. no depth perception. dizzy all the time. broken foot. no energy. difficulty breathing... i couldnt go to the bathroom without my walker. couldnt make it from the couch to the kitchen. or the bed to the bedroom door. nope... had to have it. people stared at me. looked at me funny. i guess because im so young. and my head was shaved... why not stare at the freakshow right? smh. not only was i embarrassed to be walking with this thing... it was a pain in the ass to lug around.

5.driving by myself. wow. i got lost but... it felt so good to be behind the wheel of MY car. my happy place. granted, i only drove to physical therapy, which was across the street from my dads job but... I DID IT. ME. BY MYSELF.

part of me doesnt know if i can do this challenge... april 12th = 1 year post 2nd surgery... and im still not where i want to be. so bring on the emotions. bring on the tears... its gonna be a bumpy ride... maybe bumpier than i thought...

1 comment:

  1. Just saw this one... you should be so proud of everything you are accomplishing! I know you feel like a failure, but you're not. You are a success! You fought to get to where you are now, and you will keep fighting because that is who you are. Don't worry about those who left your life. They weren't meant to be with you now and that's ok. Focus on what is best for you and the right people will come into your life. Xoxo