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Wednesday, April 4, 2012

fanfuckingtastic. challenge 2? or just a basketcase

ready to scream. ready to hit someone. ready to cry. ready to explode.

yup. back to the poconos.

i need to be healthy. i need my own place.

i need the anxiety to end.

i need the attacks to stop.

i need to feel like i belong. somewhere. anywhere.

sometimes i think i feel like i belong when im all alone. theres no one to judge me. no one to make me feel bad about myself. just me. and thats all i need

because some days, most days, i feel like i dont need anyone. and that id be better off without anyone. because then i wouldnt be burdening them. no one would have to worry. no one would have to care. itd just be me. and my dog. and thats it.

one day.

today, though... i just kind of feel like giving up. like quitting. like i hate everything. like i just dont feel like existing anymore. and i hate that feeling.

maybe its because i feel like i just keep getting more and more bad news. or maybe its because i feel like crap. or maybe its because jason is going under the knife. or maybe its because next week will be one year from my 2nd surgery and im still not healed. maybe its because my mom is sick. maybe its because im tired of being lied to. maybe its because im tired of being a friend to so many people. maybe its because im tired of feeling used, and letting people walk all over me.

maybe its because i spend time with negative people. maybe its becuase these 'friends' i have.... some days feel more like enemies. or people i just want to hit.

maybe its because of everything ive been through, experienced and am dealing with. maybe im tired of being so strong all the time. maybe its because im tired of being depended on. maybe its because im sick of limitations. maybe its because i miss being me. maybe its because i just want to run and keep on running. just go. leave. and never look back. forget everyone and everything. forget every doctor, every test, forget people, forget that im sick. forget that i need people. forget that bad things exist. pretend to live in a world where its all rainbows and butterflies- there is no disease, no sadness, no sickness no war, no anger, no high gas prices.... a place where people are free to love and be loved and feel loved. a place where people can laugh and not feel like the world is judging them or that everyone is against them.

a place where its ok to cry. to be angry. to smile. to laugh. to be different. to be 'disabled' and not be looked at like a freak show. to not feel forgotten about. to not BE forgotten about. a place where there is no violence. a place where forever means forever. a place where i dont have to hold up the world all the time. a place where i can collapse into my best friends arms and just let loose, and not feel like im a burden to be around. because thats how i feel. like im not good enough. that ill never be good enough. that im not the strong person everyone sees. my heart is broken. i wear my smile well. i fake it. im good at that, ask any of my exes. but i hurt. and i feel so let down, by so many people. i give my heart freely, i trust, and i allow people to take up space. i allow myself to care about people.

you know whats sad? i would love to crumble in my best friends arms... but the truth is? i dont have a best friend. i dont. i have people who say im their best friend, but im not. because where are they? when things get rough, they get going.

so im done. i just want to quit. and to be done with everything. im nowhere near where i want to be in life. i cant work. i cant see. im not in love. i dont even know if i ever want to be in love again.

so many people tell me they care, and they love me and they're here for me... but i feel so completely alone, and scared and... i just want to quit.

i know there are people who care. and they show it. and i dont mean to sound like i dont appreciate them... i just... this isnt the life i planned. or the life i wanted.

maybe i need to relive everything. and just cry. because ive been crying off and on for about 3 hours now. and im trying to hide it, as well as i can. thank god tonight was the one tree hill series finale. it was a good excuse to let the tears fall.

thanks cushings. for... well... showing me who really cares. and who doesnt. and for this awful feeling of being alone.

no one can fight this battle for me. some say theyre fighting it with me but... most days its hard to see that.

and i guess thats why i like the beach. its me. the sand. and the waves. and nothing else matters. i dont care whos around or who's not around. i dont care whose let me down. its me. the ocean. and thats it. and thats all i need.

sometimes i feel like id like to just walk into the ocean, succumb to the waves and let it swallow me.
but i dont
i cant

but id like to.

some days id like to imagine what itd be like if i didnt exist. how much better off people would be without me because...
most days?
i feel like i dont exist to them anyway...

1 comment:

  1. I hope you are feeling better today! You aren't the only person who feels the way you do and you are never alone. Let it all out and stop holding it all in! Let yourself face all the feelings you have been hiding and then let them go. You cant change anything but today. Love you.