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Wednesday, April 11, 2012

challenge day 11, again...

sometimes... i feel like i care too much

or like the fact that i care annoys some people

maybe im just uberemotional today. maybe its because everything has been building and building and building and its just ready to explode...

i really thought i was stronger than this, but im on the brink of tears.

i dont know why i take on what i do, because i probably shouldnt. but i cant help it. caring is in my nature.

its been a rough few years.

tomorrow marks 1 year post 2nd surgery, and im still not fixed. i did write out my anniversary cards for my surgeons, because that's what i do. they'll be surprised, well... maybe. dr moshel and dr rosen both think im a blast in a glass because i always try and find the good in everything and make everything a positive experience.

but its bittersweet. like... cant i be better now? couldnt that have been the cure? i was so convinced that was going to be it... the cure. and id finally be able to heal and get on the road to recovery, go back to work, etc...

but no... couldnt get the whole tumor because it had wrapped itself around the carotid artery. hence, my needing radiation last july. and that MAY have worked. who the hell knows. and they put me on medication, which lowered my cortisol but isnt working the way it was supposed to...

so yes. tomorrow is going to be bittersweet. i guess ive had alot on my mind. i think i overworked myself for today. today was my occipital nerve block- they injected a steroid and lidacane into my occipital nerve (in my brain) to decrease the swelling and the pain. it wasnt bad at all. ok, yeah it kinda hurt. but... whatever. i had it done. i guess i was expecting more from it? occipital neuraligia is what i was diagnosed with. it causes headaches, eye pain, swelling, etc.

but there are other tests they wanna run on me too. next week im having an EEG done, and then he wants to admit me for an overnight EEG. so that should be fun. i actually wont mind the time in the hospital, i kinda like it there. maybe that's weird, but, i guess its because ive spent so much time in them that i feel safer there. plus i like meeting new people and making friends with my nurses. he wants to see if im having seizures at night and idk what else hes testing me for. i dont really understanad the whole thing. but, it's a day to spend with my aunt so... at least thats a bonus.

and then there's the bone loss in my spine. were learning more about that on tuesday. not something im excited about. im sure it's cushings related... its ALLLLLLLLLLLLL cushings related. the dictation i got from my neurologist says blah blah cushings, blah blah cushings, cushings blah blah blah... etc etc cushings etc. so that's good.

im just siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick of being sick!

oh well.

im up and down. and my head hurts and ive been scared.

and my moms ok. but still, everything we dealt with was scary as hell.
its like we cant get a break

and my friends ok. which made me burst into tears.

i hope things start looking up. for everyone.

its hard being strong all the time...

and seeing the reality of life, of friendships... because you THINK you know someone and you THINK they care when in actuality, if it's not about them... you don't matter. and that's fine. because i do matter. and if they cant see it, bye bye. i dont need assholes in my life. at all. or people who like to make me feel bad, or who get off making others feel bad because theyre that insecure with themselves.

ill always be the one to give the shirt off my back if it would help someone, but... not everyone. not anymore. i need my shirt.

*after a while you just smile and hope is just a fairy tale*

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