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Friday, April 13, 2012

and now im all alone again...

i just spent a good hour crying my eyes out. and this wasnt just a cry where tears fell... it was a good, heartwrenching, choking, sobbing cry. i left makeup on my brothers white t-shirt because i was such a wreck.

im not quite sure how i made it home, because i completely lost it in the car. i think i would have been fine and have kept everything bottled up had that damn superchick song started to play. "stand in the rain". it's an awesome song... and totally me. and how ive been feeling. and i broke. i finally broke. me. the strong one. the one who's got everything under control and who pisses sunshine... broke. completely.

thank god my brother was up. i was hoping he would be. i just lost it on him. and cried and cried. and he just held me. tight. and the harder i cried, the stronger his grip got. he cant stand to see me cry. it hurts him. especially when i told him what was wrong.

im sick of being sick.
i wanna be better already
i should be better already
i cant see.
i want to be able to see damnit!
im tired of the headaches
i hate crying.
i want the pain to end
i want to be happy
i want my life back
i want any life back
i want to be healthy enough to work
i miss having money
i miss being able to do things
i hate feeling alone.
i am alone

i am alone.

i dont wanna hear, 'im here for you' or 'jesus is there' or anything. you can TRY and comfort me, but you can't. you can't fix this. no one can.

im not being negative, its the fucking truth.

there's a handful of people that i could probably spend time with and not feel alone. because they get it.

but most dont get it. and im glad you dont. because i wouldnt wish this on anyone.

but im alone. i feel alone. i can be surrounded by people, but feel completely alone.

i feel left behind. forgotten about. like i dont exist.
and that's not a fun feeling. not fun at all.

my friends are having fun. living their lives. getting married. having babies. doing couples things... and im happy for them but... do i have to be left behind? or made to feel like crap? im sure its not intentional. but its happening. there are no phone calls. no plans to hang out. no text messages.

unless i do it. i make the phone calls. send the texts. the cards. try and make plans. me. i do it. i feel like the only way some of these friendships are going to survive, is if i keep them going. if i keep putting forth the effort.

and while i say i hate feeling alone, sometimes i think it's better. im not a burden on anyone. no one has to deal with my sickness. no one has to deal with me. and maybe that's a good thing. i know i can survive this on my own, but it'd be nice feeling like someone is in my corner. and you can say you're in my corner, and im sure some of you are but... im still alone.

i hate feeling like im being left in the dust. its like the world moved on without me... and it's true. the world didnt stop because i got sick, itd just be nice to feel like people were there for me. and i didnt have to be scared all the time, all by myself. because thats how it feels. all the time. i feel like im being lied to. and it sucks

i guess what brought this all on tonight was my therapy session, and spending time with my nephews tonight. theyre so beautiful. and i just rocked charlie and thought, you're gonna be a good mom one day. and then i thought, oh wait... you can't have kids. awesome.

i miss having that one person i can call, day or night, night or day, and know they'll be there. whether it be someone to listen, someone to talk, or someone to just be on the other line and let me cry. but that person, seems to have disappeared...

this journey is such an emotional roller coaster. i want to be cured!

there's so much going through my head right now.

i cant even go to my freaking high school reunion. why? ill probably punch someone in the face. im not anywhere close to where i wanted to be in life. i dont want people looking at me and judging me and talking about me. i dont want high school all over again. i dont want to be hurt. i dont need to be surrounded by a ton of people and again feel completely alone. if i had someone to go with me, i might go but at this point... i dont and i dont think id feel comfortable. so why bother.

and then theres a wedding in october. and of course im going. but im allowed to bring someone. seriously? do i even know anyone that id want there? well... yeah. i do but... idk

i just feel like my whole world is in shambles right now. and im always so positive. i think im tired of that responsibilty.

supergirl is ready to hang up her cape. anyone care to save me?

1 comment:

  1. Hang in there, Nicci! No one can truly understand how isolating this disease is unless they have lived it. I hung up my sunshine cape a long time ago. It's great to be positive, but realistically this disease effing sucks. There is nothing fun or happy about it. It destroys lives and leaves us as a shell of our former self. Hell, it even messes us up mentally and it's all so unfair.

    However, I do admire people who can be positive all the time when life hands them some of the crappiest cards ever. I do try and be positive and hopeful, but sometimes you get kicked down so many times it's hard to swim your way back up to the top to get a breath of air.

    I am rooting for you and I'm here for you. Chin up, beautiful! We will get through this. xoxo