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Tuesday, April 17, 2012

challenge day 17... let's talk about sex baybee

sex and cushings? ready..... go!!

i hadn't planned on writing about this, but a couple of the girls in my support group were talking about libidos and sex drive, etc.. etc... etc.

so here's my experience.
mom, you may want to stop reading here.

i enjoy sex just as much as the next person... maybe a little more depending on the person im dating. im in no way a slut, my numbers are NOT high (not even double digits) and i wont spread my legs for anyone.

do i have stories that could make your headspin? of course
are there things i probably SHOULD remember and dont? yes
are there stories that i dont write about because my mom might faint? you betcha.

so anyway

alot of cushies have lack of sex drive, or lost their sex drive.

so as i sit and think back... i never really lost it. i mean, i used it as a coping skill, and eventually the guy i was dating, my libido wouldnt work for him. i dont chalk it up to cushings, i chalk it up to he was a piece of shit and i was unattracted to him so i couldnt get myself to WANT to sleep with him. but ya know, i was the dutiful girlfriend, so i banged him anyway.

and then there was the cushings/brain tumor diagnosis. and he became an even bigger piece of shit. so i left him. and then he went nuts blowing up my phone, my friends phones, to know how i was doing. seriously? fucking scumbag.

but im an ass and let him into my life again, sort of. i had a sense of normalcy, and i knew i could get what i wanted out of him. so we ended up hooking up a few times- while he had a girlfriend, nice right? and the day BEFORE she aborted his baby, we ended up hooking up. what a stand up guy... but i really didnt give a shit, which sounds terrible, but i didnt. if he didnt care, why should i? and it felt good to know my parts still worked!

but i left him again.
started dating someone new. i kind of became a serial dater. this guy was aight. nothin special to look at, nothin special, at all... really. no goals, no nothing. but he was a good kisser. and thought i was uh maze ing.

and i left that one too. he was just... NOT worth my time. at all.

and then there was chris. oh dear lord. why he had to contact me ill never know. they say you never forget your first love, right? yeah... i dated him when i was 15/16. and i was crazy about him... but he was fucking WEIRD. i cant stand boys who cry. ok, no thats not true. i think its sweet, but seriously, you SHOULD NOT be crying more than me. so i dumped him. he was tooooooooo in love with me. im 15 years old and hes talkin about marriage and babies... seriously? i dont know what i wanna have for dinner and you wanna marry me? talk about sending a girl running! PLUS i was 15, wtf? so i enjoyed the many boys of high school. and i never really spoke to him again. and then he found me on facebook. and i was excited. so we hung out a few times. he came to see me in the hospital after my 2nd surgery. the chemistry was on point. but the sex? oh my god, i was always excited for it to be OVER. he had this 'im the god of sex' complex and it took all i had to tell him, dude, you fucking suck. you dont know how to use your dick and its small as hell.

normally, size doesnt matter. and im a firm believer in that. but if you dont have the size, know how to use what you got, right ladies? but whatever, my parts worked.

one of the things i think i like about cushings, is that our skin and our bodies are so sensitive. i think my body reacts differently than everyone elses. the littlest touches send chills down my spine. or they did anyway.

typically, with cushies, our sex drive dies, we dont lubricate, or experience what we should.

and yeah. i probably can never give birth. but my friend linda said, a working uterus doesnt make a mom. love does. and i really liked that.

but anyway. douchey douche and i broke up. because hes a slimelord, and got mad at me bc i got denied disability. then hed yell at me that i was going to leave him when i got better and would get mad at me when i was hanging out with my dad.

turns out he was fucking his mother.

thank god i left that situation! smh. talk about gross... fucking psycho. AND he tried to withhold my medication, lets not forget that.

i had stopped sleeping with him LONG before we broke up. he just didnt do it for me. and every time he looked at me or went to touch me i wanted to throw up. RED FLAG!!! if you want to knock the person your dating out, every time they breathe... kind of not the best relationship to be in, haha.

so, yes. sex. love it. having it now? no. because im unlike alot of my friends- i wont open my legs up to just anyone, or just because i wanna get laid. seriously, if i feel the need that bad, i can just go buy a flipping vibrator. i dont want a disease. i dont want to be used. some may say its because im uncomfortable in my own skin, or with my body. but thats not true at all. i got naked for chris, before i started to look as good as i do now. so... yeah. hes a slimebug, but i felt comfortable enough in my own skin, so for that i thank him.

if/when i get into another relationship, eventually that line will be crossed. but i have to trust the person, and actually give a shit about them. i dont want to fake it (the relationship, not the orgasm, because, let's face it... we all fake it now and again... and im the queen ;) )

maybe cushings HAS caused me to not want to have sex, and that really doesnt bother me. it used to be that i couldnt go a day without it. hell, id drive 45 minutes to see my ex (while we were dating) just so i could get laid and then peace out. yeah- i learned how to shut myself off and make it unemotional. but i dont think i want to do that anymore. i KNOW i dont want to do that. it should be something beautiful and shared between people who care about one another, not just a hump and dump.

so... the way i see it... cushings killed my horomones, but maybe its a blessing in disguise that i CANT let myself fall into numbness and use sex as a coping skill.

it was sex and alcohol but... i cant drink anymore. and im not having sex so... blessing in disguise.

especially since with my last i needed that liquid courage to deal with him. and to sleep with him.

now this isnt meant to discourage the boys that if theyre not packing, sex wont be good.
and thats not to say that if you're not experienced, it wont be good.

sex should be treated as something special, and beautiful. and i really believe that LOVE is what makes it good. unless you're really drunk and just fucking around. thats good too.

but for me, now, there has to be more than just fucking around.

cushings changes things.
cushings changes you.

and i actually think it's been changing me for the better...

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