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Sunday, April 15, 2012

extra! extra! cushings is a killer!!!

have you heard the news? CUSHINGS IS A SILENT KILLER!!!

i dont know why people dont believe me. people die from my disease all the time. it's so hard to diagnose and to treat... but wait... were just fat right? we just need to sleep and get lots of exercise right? yeah... thanks.

thats why a few months ago a guy in my support group passed away, right?

ill admit it. im scared shitless. medically speaking i shouldnt be breathing right now. i shouldnt be alive. but i am. and im not healing like im supposed to be. do you know how scary that is? the medication is KIND OF working. great. tomorrow im going to be bitching at my endo AGAIN. i want a higher dosage or i want something. i know were going to be talking about medication for my bone loss, but seriously. i have a feeling were just going to remove my adrenal glands. and that's whatever. my friend had it done and he siad it wasnt so bad. but... still. another surgery? why cant i have answers already? why cant i be fixed?

i thought my 1st surgery would fix me. nope.
then i thought, ok the 2nd surgery will do it. nope
ok, so maybe radiation... nope. well, kind of

cant there be a FIX FIX? like seriously!

these past few days have been really hard for me. ive been crying. randomly losing it. like... its been to the point where i just want to quit! or stop breathing. and just end it all. this way, no burden for my friends, family or doctors. just let it all go.

but thats not me. ill conquer this. i always do. im just really frustrated with how this is all playing out.

ive come to terms with my own mortality. if i have to have another surgery, i WILL have a will written out.

but doesnt mean i want another surgery. or to face death AGAIN...

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