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Tuesday, October 25, 2011

the girl in the mirror

it's not always easy to fall in love over and over again with the girl in the mirror. some days i think... i wish i was someone else. someone who didn't have cushings. someone who wasn't beaten by an ex boyfriend. someone who didn't always trust so easily and allow herself to be hurt. someone who doesn't always see the good in people. someone who doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve.... but then i think, would i like that girl? if i was that girl, i wouldn't be me. and... i kinda like me.

i have my bad days. my down days. the past few days, since saturday, it's been harder to smile. and i know it's the cushings, because this disease is an emotional roller coaster. and it's little things that trigger the tears or the frustration. yesterday it was the lawyer. and then... i dont even know. i was just so irritable. and it doesnt help when i wake up in a terrible mood. today, woke up happy. was fine most of the day and WHAM. it sucks. im not ashamed to say that im on anti-anxiety meds. i'm not ashamed to say that i need help... which is odd coming from me because i never would have asked for help before, nor would i have wanted to rely on anyone... which i still dont want to do.

one of the biggest things ive learned with this disease is that, well, u really can only count on yourself and family. well, some family. and a couple of friends. it's like niccis sick, so lets run away and then when she gets better come back. or, be there when i get sick and take off when i get better. how bout u stick around for the entire process? why can't that be who you are? like, i dont run. ive always been a ride or die kinda girl. and i still feel bad kicking people out of my life, the people who don't deserve to be a part of it. why? i dont freakin now. maybe because i want to believe that there is good in everybody? im pretty sure there is. i mean, not EVERYONE is malicious, rude, cruel, or out to get you, right? with everything ive been through its hard to trust and keep my belief in the good in the world. i always seem to trust the wrong people, because i wouldnt hurt someone or lie, so why would someone do that to me? it doesnt make any sense. but, everything over the past year doesn't make sense...

ive learned alot about myself though. im stronger than i thought i was. just because i cry doesn't mean im weak. it's not that bad needing people. it's scary because you have to trust that they're actually going to be there for you and you have to be able to rely on them... which im still not very good at. part of me feels that if i rely on someone, im a burden, or weak. but then i think, they count on me, so why cant it be reciprocated? ive also learned that bullshit drama doesn't matter. who needs it? im also sticking to my brutally honest truthful self. i dont sugar coat. i dont lie. if you want my opinion, and it's gonna bother you, don't ask for it. i can't help it. sometimes the truth does hurt. it's cliche, but thats life. so get over it. we all have issues, but if you're not going to better yourself and just want to complain, dont complain to me. and dont come crying to me about the same shit. especially when it's your own damn fault you're in the situation that you're in. it happens.

and then theres that whole some days i cant feel my legs or arms kinda thing. let me tell you how much fun that is... there's a reason it's called an invisible illness. no. im sitting down so how could you tell that i have no feeling? or all i have is pins and needles... smh. people.
*sigh* i dont know. it's a whirlwind. and it's my life. some days i dont know which way is up. but, there are better days ahead. and the more i convince other people of that, the more i am convinced myself.

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