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Sunday, October 23, 2011

who knew? i sure as hell didnt...

well.. well.. well...

"there you go again, using your disease to get out of doing anything"

*sigh* this entry may be a little... heated? emotional? but not mean. im not mean.

im not gonna sit here and badmouth you. why the hell should i? i did NOTHING wrong. you on the otherhand... turned out to be some sort of two, maybe three, faced nutso. THANK GOD we didn't get married. why? oh... idk... because you're an abuser and so emotionally messed up... you tell me that the last girl u were with was crazy but... im thinking she wasnt as bad as you made her out to be and maybe your abuse did it to her.
and using my disease as an excuse? really? come on now. since when did u become so cruel? im glad its over. and im not sad. and part of me thinks that maybe it never was real to begin with. maybe i was in love with the person i created. the one i thought u were, the one i wanted u to be. sure, u come and rescue me. and then u appear perfect. and act perfect, make me ur priority and BAM. then u become someone i dont even recognize.
so no. maybe i didnt love you. did i care for u? sure. but i think, honestly, i was trying to prove to myself and others that HA! someone will love me sick and all! but... apparently that wasnt you.

but i realized something today. i dont have to prove myself to anyone.like... at all. and it's an amazing feeling. and once i realized that i dont need to prove myself, i felt this HUGE weight being lifted off my shoulders. i actually think i figured that out a few weeks ago... when i FINALLY cut the cord to someone else. when that cord was cut, i realized... i didnt need YOU either. i dont need to prove myself to anyone. why? because im freaking awesome as is and... if someone doesnt see that, then i dont need them in my life.

i am the 2%. only 2% of the worlds population will have this disease. and im part of that group of unique individuals who get to deal with this. i could be sad and cry, but i wont. ill smile and press onward. and keep kicking the trash out of my life. because i only deserve the best and im tired of settling. so i wont.

besides, i hear single nicci is a lot more fun!

and i deserve someone who will love me in sickness AND in health. who wont be intimidated by my independence. i dont NEED someone to make me who i am. i dont need a relationship to define me. ive never been THAT girl. i like who i am. and how i am. and i dont need anyones approval. and its amazing to be able to say that now.

i feel like there was alot more i wanted to say but, whatever.
im happy
and thats that :)

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