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Monday, October 10, 2011

feeling overwhelmed...

somedays... this disease makes me feel so completely overwhelmed... it's like, cushing's is so unheard of and so rare, that you'd think there wouldn't be anything on it... and then the more research i do... the more info i find and then im not sure if i should feel hopeful or hopeless? i mean... yay. we survive and there's a diagnosis... but the recovery... idk. maybe im annoyed bc i thought that i would be getting better! i didnt know that removing the tumor meant that NOW i would have cushings? i guess it starts with the tumor, and then once the tumor is removed it blows up then gets knocked down? im still confused. i try and wrap my head around it, and once i think ive got it figured out, i dont. it's kind of nervewracking to tell ya the truth...

and maybe it's unfair to the people in my life, because i want them to understand, but then again i dont. i wouldnt wish this on anyone. especially because of how painful it is and how hard it is to come to terms with. im in pain all the time. im an emotional rollercoaster. im irritable. i either dont want to be touched, or i need to be touched and held and cry. it's all... so confusing. sometimes i feel like im trapped in my own head and i cant get out... like it's a puzzle that's missing pieces...

maybe i need to get my puzzle tattoo with josh n george. well, who knows about josh. he's kinda up and down too... but we were gonna get it for autism, but i think it can relate to cushing's too... me and my crabcake... we are medical mysteries...

im glad i have my support system tho... thank goodness for facebook! some people think im crazy and i spend too much time on there, but that's where my cushing's support group is. that's where i have people who understand. and then i blog. and post pictures. and can keep up with family...

my family who is the absolute shiznit! i really don't think id be doing so well without them! they're hardcore there for me. it's awesome. i didn't think my sister and i would be as close as we are. anyone who knew us growing up knew we didn't get along, like at all. and now? i can't see having another best friend :) i can tell her anything and everything and we're there for each other. it's rather refreshing :)
and yesterday... totally got to see family i havent seen in 7 years... i had an anxiety attack the night before bc we hadnt seen them in so long and there was gonna be so many people but... it was amazing. and i had no attack and i didnt even take my anxiety pill! i forgot! it was GREAT! maybe it was because i was with MY family... i felt so at ease, so comfortable and so HAPPY. it's so hard to describe how great i felt... and we ate crap food ;) probably shouldnt have but... man oh man! pizza and wings and calamari and fries... so bad but so so good! it's back to healthy now.

speaking of healthy... starting tomorrow im cutting meat out of my diet, or at least im going to try to. my friend wants me to try a plant-based diet, a vegan diet... but im kind of afraid to throw my body into that kind of shock, so im going to try the vegetarian diet first. we bought hemp milk... its kinda funky but hopefully it helps.

hmmm... i guess that's all for now <3

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