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Wednesday, October 5, 2011

beyond frustrated today!

really? disapproved? why? omg. seriously? i'm officially no longer working... submitted my letter of resignation bc 1. it looks better than being terminated 2. im too sick to work. and yet NOW disability is going to tell me im denied?
so, a life-threatening disease, a blood clotting disorder, not being able to function on a daily basis, being on 100 different meds, needing more surgery... thats not enough?

im a wreck. i feel useless... like i cant do anything. i want to work, but right now i cant. what am i supposed to do? someone please tell me! i cant appeal until i get the letter in the mail, which should be today. the last time i forced myself into work too soon i ended up getting sicker. i want to be able to pay my parents back, help my fiance, be able to freaking buy a pair of shoes if i want and now its like.. wtf. im not used to being broke.

i decided to look into our cell phone bill so i could lower it, but i cant bc he wants all the extras so... great.

and then we have our engagement dinner that my parents have been wanting to schedule, but since his mom and stepdad dont really care and dont really want this, my mom called her and they finally set something up. he doesnt seem to understand why im iffy as to whether or not it's going to happen. oh idk, bc i feel like ur mom doesnt give two shits? omg.

but i love his brothers. theyre wonderful. and his dad adores me, so i guess i shouldn't really worry. i keep putting out the olive branch, and trying and trying to spend time with his other siblings or be nice to his mom, but im starting not to see a point. it's like... how much more am i going to be expected to do? sorry, i dont ass kiss for anyone.

i love chris. more than anything in the world. we're a team. but sometimes, i feel like it's me and that i have to make him want to be a team with me, and that's not cool.

man... that phone call from disability this morning really has set me into a spiral. chris says control the cushings, dont let the cushings control you but... i dont know that this is the cushings. this fucking sucks. it sucks it sucks it sucks! and ive been sick every day for about 15 days now? yeah. i woke up at 3 this morning feeling like someone was stabbing me in the stomach. hopefully the dr im going to see today will set me up with a gastroentologist or however u spell it so i can get the help i need. we already know its not my gallbladder bc ive already had those tests already.

and the resignation... i cant believe it. im done. its over. no more working there for me. i loved my job. i loved helping kids and feeling like i was making a difference. and now? nothing. did i care about the people i worked with? yeah. like 4-5 people. the rest can suck my non-existant you-know-what for the way they treated me. i always bent over backward for everyone and its like, oh nicoles sick so lets abandon her. fuck you.

all of em. the friends who i no longer speak to because i couldnt be there like i was, because im sick, they decided that im not good enough?


*sigh* im just so flipping angry today! i want to scream! i cried for a good hour, but i dont know that that did anything except make the room spin. my mom already told me to try not to take any pain killers so ill be able to drive to meet her later. so im doing laundry instead. im washing all my blankets and sheets and whatever else i can find, just so i have something to do. some days i have the energy and can move around, other days i cant. yesterday i didnt do much of anything because everything hurt. and today, my heart hurts, not literally but u know what i mean. im an emotional trainwreck and it sucks.
i just want to run away and never come back. but i cant
i have no money
i cant physically do it.

hell, ovr came the other day and i was told i may not be blind enough for services. are u serious? how am i not blind enough? I HAVE ONE EYE. ONE. smh.

i think im just going to scream now.

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