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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

they say not to give in...

dont give in to the darkness
stay strong
keep smiling
you are an inspiration
you're my hero

those are some pretty big shoes to fill. and it's hard. i won't deny it. i try to stay away from the 'sad' and 'depressed' emotions. they just don't work for me. id rather be upbeat... or lately... angry. id rather be pissed off then sad. apparently that's not the route to go. because then it all just builds and builds and eventually i cry and shut everyone out. i guess i feel like... if i let the sadness and the darkness take over, then im giving in. or that im letting others down, or that im letting myself down. everyone expects me to be positive all the time and to keep going, and i will keep going. i always do. and i guess before the cushings i would go and go and go and go... and now i can go and go, then i need to rest. and then i can go and go... and then rest. if i dont rest i feel like garbage, but no one seems to take that into consideration. and when i feel like garbage im more miserable. dont get me wrong, i like that people see me as a hero and an inspiration but... some days i need to take my cape off and be a human.

i really just wanted to crawl under the covers today and sleep the day away. i felt like there was a blanket of sadness/darkness falling over me. and i just wanted to let it take over. i just wanted to cry. and to be left alone... but no. i dont like it. i dont like feeling like that. so i sucked it up and went to walmart with csilla. who said to me, " its ok to cry. you don't have to be strong all the time"... THANK YOU CSILLA!!!! <3 i NEEDED to hear that. even though i got defensive and told her I had no other choice but to be strong, and then i thought about it... and eff it. i can go through the motions if i want. i dont have to be superwoman all the time.

so i went through the day, feelin kinda numb... and then i got lost. i thought i knew where i was going but... apparently not. thats what sucks about this whole brain surgery/cushings thing. the brain fog. while i was driving, i knew where i was going, and randomly... i had no idea where i was. and no idea how to get home. so... i took it in stride and just kinda drove around, enjoyed the changing leaves and fresh air and hanson, and found my way home. well... no. i didnt. i ended up going to mama z's house. she has an open door policy. so i knocked on her door and said, 'im here for the open door policy'. she wrapped her arms around me and i just cried and cried and cried. and it felt GOOD. there's no hug like a mama z hug. i talked to her. cried to her. laughed with her... then my boys came and had me rolling. just what i needed. those two are so cheerful. im blessed to have been able to work with them.

im still kinda... blah. but... this too shall pass. i wish there was a way to predict when these emotions were going to come on. or how long they were going to last.

id really like to scream...


but see... there are no answers. and i just have to deal with it. and maybe that's where my problem lies... i dont like not knowing... but... i used to love not knowing anything. i was a risk taker and whatever happens happens kinda girl. because i could. and now i dont have any other choice but to be that way... *sigh*

so... here we go again. time to suck it up. smile. and try to forget...

1 comment:

  1. The abridged version: Everyone who loves you for you does not expect you to be superhuman. We expect you to feel sad, angry, hurt, frustrated, confused, broken- because these are normal emotions that ANYONE would be feeling if they were in your shoes. It is not weak to cry or to admit when you feel these ways. It takes a strong person to allow others to see them cry. No one, not even me, expects you to be Positivity Princess 100% of the time. We just want you to try. If you can't do it for today, that is fine, give yourself time to grieve/be angry/hurt/whatever and then try again tomorrow. I love you <3