touched by an angel

soo... i received a very much needed to hear message from my grandfather last night... mind you, he passed away almost 2 years ago...

things have been rough, im not gonna lie. it's become harder and harder to keep it together. im forgetting more. im getting confused more. im dizzier. im puffy again. im falling. im waking up more irritable. im cranky. i feel like my brain cant shut off. i talk in circles. im losing what im saying. im speaking incredibly fast- i do this in order to get everything out, bc if i dont, then i forget. im stuttering. speaking in chopped up sentences, im not even making sense sometimes. it's scaring the crap out of me... however, since the break up the anxiety attacks have been a little less. hmm... sounds like a PLUS to me! but yeah, it's hard to hold things together. and i just get so angry... i have alot of anger in me... and yet im happy. does that make sense? probably not. but. whatever. oh, and i love my support group. i really do. i have met some of the most incredible people ever there, and it's nice to have someone to talk to, who understands. my girls are fab.

so grandpa. right. so last night im in my room, saying my prayers and just thinking... and then i get the urge to try and find a birthday card for my friend who's dealing with his own medical baloney. so, i go to my bag of cards that my grandpa had given me when he moved from his house to the nursing home. the top card was one with a mermaid overlooking the earth... and if u know me, u know i love the ocean and that it means alot to me. so, i open the card to see what it says inside and who i can give it to... it read: treat yourself with kindness, listen to how you feel. wrap yourself in soft warm thoughts, for this is your time to heal.... wow. just... wow. thanks grandpa. looks like ill be keeping this one for myself.

its crazy. well maybe not crazy but, it was just what i needed to hear. its time to stop taking care of everyone else and to really focus on healing. i texted this to my girl last night bc i needed to tell someone and i knew she'd be up. she told me that was him telling me to ignore everyone elses drama, bc everyone comes to me with it. and my other friend says i always listened to my grandpa, so he wants me to listen now.

this whole cushings thing is alot scarier than i let on. i could die. that's pretty much it. i thought i was getting better and that radiation was working. did u see how hott i looked last week? no? ha. well...

i know right? and then today:

im all puffy and cushingy again. wth!!

im so frustrated! it's like... i have these amazingly wonderful days, and then WHAM. i get sick again. it's ridiculous. and the second picture isnt even the worst of it. i was a big ole puff ball on monday, but i wont show that shot to anyone. bc it bothers me too much. *sigh* theyre talking about putting me on a new medication to shut down my adrenals so ill stop producing cortisol. but of course, there are side effects. my moms been researching it like crazy.but the side effects, that ive read about, I ALREADY EXPERIENCE WITH CUSHINGS! so really... would it be that much different? i did tell my mom that maybe they should just take out my adrenal glands. if i dont need em, take em. what's one more surgery? one more pill? have i not proven that I AM A SURVIVOR, I AM STRONG AND I WILL BEAT THIS? smh. yeah it sucks. and yeah im angry. and yeah i wanna cry but... i dont let myself cry... i kinda feel like if i let one tear fall... i wont be able to stop.

my friend made me a cd, to help get me through everything... and this song just seems fitting. it's called 'stand in the rain' by superchick:



i highly recommend clicking the play button. but if you don't want to, here are the lyrics:

She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

ok, back to me. i do lead a blessed life. and i am grateful for the friends and family i have- the ones who have stuck by me through it all and the ones who refuse to let me down. not everyone has family they can call friends or friends that they consider family. im one of the lucky ones. and i get that, i do.

IM JUST SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED! i just wanna scream, WHEN WILL I BE BETTER?! but like my doc said today: patience.

great. God has been trying to teach me patience, oh, idk, all my life... and its taken 3 brain surgeries for me to get the hint. *sigh* im workin on it...