feeling kind of lost...

so today was sucktastic, in EVERY sense of the word.

i was supposed to go for acupuncture but had an insane panic attack when we went over everything that could go wrong: bruising, bleeding, infection, dizzy spells, etc. yeah, cos i really wanna go back to the hospital...
so then i was mad at myself for having a panic attack.
then we went to old navy. and i saw cat. and said hello, bc well, i had to right? and it was awkward and made me madder. that girl really broke my heart. no, she wasnt my girlfriend, more like my best friend. and, well, i guess kind of like a boyfriend. no, we were never like that. ew. thats not me. i dont knock anyone who is that way, just not my thing. anyway. bitch broke my heart and i still felt the sting of that today.
then fighting with chris. again.
and i miss al. i do. in a few days itll be 5 years since his passing, and some days i think im ok, other days i miss him like crazy. i loved him. like loved him. and he's gone. and i know he's watching over me, and i know he wants the best for me and would want me to make good decisions and be the best i can be... but today... not easy.
and im mad. and im frustrated... so much to the point im physically ill over it.

and now... i find out one of my fellow cushies lost his battle... and it breaks my heart. i didnt know him, but i spoke to his mom. and shes wonderful. and i was telling her that things would be ok, and that hed be ok... but i was wrong... and it kills me...

and it scared me. maybe im being selfish but im scared now... it makes the possibility so much more real and... i dont like it. and i cant even think of what to say, because i feel so awful. and the one person i feel like i could go to with this is being a butthead.
and i hate talking to people about this kind of stuff. i always try and keep people at a safe distance so i dont rely on them or count on them so i cant be let down.
and when i want to need someone, i feel like theyre just tossing me aside.
so wth.

r.i.p mitch <3 keep watch over your family. they're beautiful.