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Thursday, September 29, 2011

up and down and all around!

i did it. i survived my best friends wedding... with flying colors i might add!
not gonna lie, i have been freaking about about being in her wedding for months. will the bridesmaids dress fit? will i look ok for her pictures? is she really ok with the fact that im sick? will i ruin her day? will i end up in the ER? so many questions... such anxiety... but it was a beautiful day. she looked amazing. shes married and i survived. i danced all night.
after the wedding i had good days every day. i had energy. i was feeling GOOD inside. i was tired, of course... but i was finally able to do things. i even started driving again! it was great.
then the fighting between me and chris escalated... to the point we almost said goodbye... but we didnt. because when you love someone, you work things out. and we did and we are and it's fantastic.
my anxiety, over the past two weeks, has been at an all time LOW. i havent needed an ativan, ive been sleeping... things were finally starting to look up... and then we have last night.
Tuesday Chris and I babysat his twin brother and sister... mind you... I'm not too comfortable in that house right now, but I love him and those kids so I sucked it up. It was actually my idea to help out. Anyway, after a night of video games, pizza and baking, we brought them back to their house (next door). After they assaulted one another, and we sent them to bed, Chris and I got to watch DWTS... haha. I made him ;) All of a sudden, my chest starts to get tight, I'm having a hard time breathing. My skin is CRAWLING and I feel like I'm going to be sick... I forgot. They have a cat. A cat whom, everyone says doesnt climb on the couch... and how do we know this when no one is home? I saw the damn thing on the couch. So I take my itch pills, my nausea pills and I'm still feeling like crap. His parents come home and we leave. I take my cold medicine and I'm knocked the hell out. So I slept through the night. But? I woke up on Wednesday with a nice lil rash on my legs and my bag, skin crawling/burning at this point and still having a hard time breathing. Great. It doesn't hurt that they gave us their old couch which is COVERED in cat dander. No matter how many times Chris vacuums and sprays it... I still can't be around it. It sucks. I think now he finally believes me. He's seen the rash and heard my breathing. And last night? I didn't sleep at all. I was in so much pain that I was trying to deanxiety myself because I didn't want to take any pain killers bc I had to drive home this morning to go to the drs. So of course, I'm doped up on my anxiety meds now. Yay me. *smh* Some days I think I've almost got this thing beat and then WHAMO. This happens.
I hope he's going to listen to me now, and sell it or trash it or something. We're trying to move forward. It's not that I don't like the couch, its pretty, it's big, it reclines, it has cupholders... but it's killing me and keeping me from being there... :/

After the fight we had last week, not gonna lie, I was scared. I wasn't sure that the trust would be there, or the love but... man oh man... when people who love each other, who TRULY love each other, communicate their needs and in a non-hurtful way.... things are good. I'm totally loving being in a HEALTHY relationship. And having someone who loves me for me, in sickness and in health, and who's willing to stand by me no matter how bad my disease can get... he loves me. he supports me. <3 i cant wait to marry my best friend!

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