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Friday, September 9, 2011

so much... but not enough

it's like it's a race. if i dont say everything that i need to say, ill forget... and it's true. my mind is constantly going, and it's not just on one subject... its marriage, cookies, television shows, grandparents, friends, work, painting, parents, medicine, pain, doctors... a little bit of everything and i cant stop. its hard to sleep at night, and i hate having to take the anxiety meds, but i have to.

meds. ugh. im so over them, its not even funny. but i need them to get by, and it sucks. sometimes the pain is so bad i cant even move. i dont know how to function.

and the lack of people in my life... sure i have like 600 facebook friends, but how many of those people do i actually spend time with or talk to? before i got sick i was out all the time talking to everyone and now... its like im afraid to leave my house. when im around people... it's like i dont know how to act... i mean dont get me wrong, im well behaved and i can carry on a conversation, but im so nervous and i dont know what to do. sometimes i just dont say anything because im afraid of what people will think. like i said before sometimes i talk so fast just to get everything out. other times my words slur. or i may just have no idea what the conversation is about.

i miss myself. the person i was, never afraid of anything, willing to take a risk and try anything once. i was a free spirit...

i guess that's what makes me nervous about marriage. i love chris, and know hes the one but it's like... this is it. im saying goodbbye to everyone else and am going to be with him forever. which is wonderful. were booking our venue tomorrow... but it's like... part of me never thought id make it this far, or find that perfect person... and here he is, through sickness and in health... i dont know... it's all surreal i guess... im turning over a new leaf... and he understands me, or at least tries to.

this talking thing though drives me bonkers. i really wish i could turn off my brain... but i just cant. a few days ago it was really bad. i cried alot. i just couldnt take it. my mind was racing and racing and racing and i couldnt focus, couldnt see straight, couldnt handle a conversation, couldnt handle life. so i ended up taking an ativan. took one before bed, and then i had to take one the next afternoon just to make it through the day. I HATE THAT

and im sick. apparently flu-like symptoms are a part of the recovery process. yay. sweating, cold sweats, chills, nausea, vomitting, headaches, muscle pain, joint weakness... yay cushings, but im getting better... so id rather be sick then going through more surgeries!

i do lead a pretty good life, aside from not being able to work and some days not being able to function... im alive, im in love and i have alot to live for :)

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