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Friday, September 2, 2011

blahbitty blah blah kinda day

it seems as though today is going to be one of those days...

and when i say one of those days i mean, lets break every mirror in the house because were hideous kinda days. *sigh* this disease really did destroy my body and self-esteem. i used to be the girl who would look in the mirror and love who she saw, love what she saw and always always always felt good about how she looked and who she was. these days... it's a heck of a lot harder. i dont have the energy, the body, the face or the support that i used to. maybe now i have more support, or at least a different/stronger kind of support. but today... today i just feel icky.

i went to my oldest friends wedding, and when i say oldest i dont mean age, maybe i should say longest. anyway, chris and i had the time of our lives, but looking at pictures... i wanna be sick. its like, do i really look like that? it breaks my heart because i didnt realize how bad i look, and yet everyone tells me how pretty i am, and how great i look... but when i see that girl in the pictures, i dont see who i want to. i had a fantastic time, and im so happy for her. but seeing myself... i cringe. i hate that. i hate it. and it's like, how can chris look at me, and see the girl he fell in love with 12 years ago? he does. i dont know how, because i didnt look like this... and he says im just as beautiful, if not more than i was. and that he falls more in love with me everyday...

i just dont get it. i dont. i cant wait until i can say ive conquered cushings. because it sucks. it effing sucks. i try and love who and what i see but... some days are harder than others. today is that day.

and im so swollen from this weather, and salt and... blech. so it feels like anything i drink or eat adds a billion pounds. it doesnt, but i sure as hell feel that way...

itll get better. it has to.

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