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Friday, March 8, 2013

you left me for dead.

this shall be a venomous blog. so stop reading.

you left me for dead.

you saw me drowning. gasping for air and just let me go.

i reached out to you. held out my hand and you pushed me farther down into the abyss.

it's like i'm only good enough when i'm smiling, or when i'm healthy or when i'm ok. but godforbid i'm not ok...

and you KNEW i was having surgery and where were you? and i had TWO SURGERIES! i had to have an emergency second one because idk what happened but i couldn't stop bleeding from the first one and where were you? NOWHERE!!!

fairweather friends. you fuckin left me for dead.

or have we forgotten i have what's called, 'the silent killer'.

or have you just forgotten about me altogether?

and you... you guys are supposed to be my FAMILY. FAMILY. right. i don't even think you know what that word fucking means. because honestly? i have a girl here, who's not even close to being blood related to me, but she's more family to me than you will ever be. family my ass. i'm worthless? ha. if i recall correctly, i was there for you no matter what you needed, no matter what time of day it was, but wait, cole's getting sicker so let's ignore her cries. let's leave her for dead. because we're selfish fucking pricks.

and you know what? i don't care how much my words are going to be offending anyone. do you have ANY idea how much you've been hurting me?! ANY IDEA?!

i'm only good enough when i'm healthy. well fuck you. seriously. FUCK YOU. you know i'm sick. why is it my job to call you to say, hey. i'm fucking sick as hell and i'm miserable. can you ask me how i'm doing? how assbackward is that?

don't get me wrong, everyone has their own lives, i get that, but if i'm reaching out to you, WHILE I'M SICK, you could at least reach back. or not. because apparently i don't matter.

and YOU. YOU are the biggest fucking prick of them all! oh i love nicci. she's my best friend. i care about her so much. she does so much for me. she's always there for me. blah fucking blah. you're damn right nicci does so much for you. correction. she DID so much for you and where the fuck are you now superman? waste of 10 years of my fucking life. everything i did for you. my god. could you have at least tried to be there while i was scared to death? could you have been there holding my hand? could have been there encouraging me the same way i did for you all those years? oh wait, i'm sorry. it's not about you so why fucking bother. asshole.

go on. leave me for dead. alot of you are so goddamn good at it. selfish pricks.

i told you this was going to be venomous.

you have NO idea what i'm going through right now.

do you have ANY idea how scary that second surgery was? i couldn't stop bleeding so i had to RUSH to the TJH ER... RUSH 3 hours to an er... and we even had to pull off the tpk because i ran out of gauze pads! i had JUST been to the dr the day before and he cotorized me and said i was fine. welp, guess not! i was scared shitless! i already have a rare blood disorder, i have cushing's disease, was i dying? was the surgery not a success? what was going to happen to me now? yes, i was surrounded by an amazing medical staff and hott doctors, but still. i was scared. i had my dad with me, and my owl and an amazing person texting me until i made him go to bed bc he didn't want me to be alone. but i was scared.
but in the hospitals i feel safest because there someone can treat me. there someone knows my condition. there someone is gonna be able to fix me. the only reason i made them send me home is bc i didn't want my parents going broke by staying in a hotel. tjh is great but my dad couldn't stay in the room with me bc they are so small.

i had a few people texting me and my mom checking on me. and that doesn't go unappreciated. but there are still those who've left me for dead. and i shouldn't be mad at you. but i am. i think you are craptastic human beings.

seriously. i'm a great person. and if you don't see that, fuck yourself. i shouldn't let this bother me as much as it does, but it does.

i guess because i'd never let you drown. hell, no matter how much my ship has sunk, i've still reached out to you. because i'm not a shitbrick and i'd never let you die.

but that's ok. just let me die. but do me a favor, don't show up at my funeral. i don't want you there.

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