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Friday, February 8, 2013

kinda freaking out.

so... surgery on tuesday...

apparently i'm not as excited about this as i thought i was, or as strong as i thought...

monday i went for my pre-admission testing. no big deal, right? just go to tjh, do the bloodwork, answer the questions, pee in the cup, do the catscan, just like before... just like before. just. like. before... and that's what it was. it was just like before. the same room. the same tests. the same hospital.  the same doctor. all of a sudden it was april 2011 all over again and i was prepping for brain surgery. i was scared. i was angry. i was frustrated. i didn't want to be there. what if they found something else? what if something went wrong? and then there's the... everyone's gonna leave. no one's gonna stick around. i'm not going to have friends who are there for me when i come out of this. they all left me before, why would they stick around now?

but it's not april 2011, is it. and i'm not having brain surgery. i'm having sinus surgery. i'm having septoplasty turbinectomy endoscopic sinus surgery. that's what i'm having done. i'm having something that should be a simple procedure, so simple in fact, that i don't even need to stay overnight! so why... why am i freaking out? i am surrounded by people who love me and care about me. people who won't leave me alone... but my past... oh that past and those awful people have left such doubt in my head that i can't help but think that maybe... just maybe... something may go wrong.

i've been crying every day since i came home from those tests. every day. and alot. monday i cried so hard i was hyperventilating, in my bed, under the covers with my teddy bear. it was bad. i don't take my anxiety medication because it's as needed. i haven't needed it in i don't even know how long... but i took it that night. and i took it on tuesday. and wednesday. and thursday. and i plan on taking it every night until my surgery. something's gonna have to get me through it. they're probably going to have to give me ativan the morning of my surgery just to get me through it. and i'm ok with that.

we were going to stay in a hotel the night before so we'd be closer to the hospital, but instead we're driving up the morning of. i'd rather sleep in my own bed. i think i'll be less anxious, use my own shower, sleep in the car on the way up. it'll be better, and cheaper that way. we're staying in a hotel the night of the surgery though.

i actually opened up to a few people about how i'm feeling. well, three people. but three is better than none. well, four if you include my mom. i told my twin, the biffster and the boy. and all have reassured me that they don't plan on leaving my side. and ya know something? i believe them.

i'm still freaking out. alot. but not as much as i was. i started painting again. that felt really good. it feels good to be doing something for other people and to be focusing my attention on other things. painting is just so... calming. and beautiful and just nice. i make some pretty cute things, too. :) maybe tomorrow i'll paint some more, make some faerie houses, some bracelets... since date night has moved to sunday because of this damn weather... oh well.

so yes. i'm scared. and i'm trying to hold it together. and i haven't wanted to but... i let some people in and i'm letting them help me hold it together. and ya know what? it makes it not so scary...


  1. Nicci, I was wondering about that. Stop worrying, everything will be fine. Have you heard that lil wayne song "I aint got no worries", its really quite dirty, bordering on vulger, but, its about having roadblocks when you are doing something, but you don't let it stop you, you just go around the roadblock. I don't think he would put it that way, but that's my take on it. I guess its funny to me, cuz you wouldnt think I would consider liking that song. I even have my boss saying "i aint got no worries" when something gets on his nerves.

    Anyway, I wanted to tell you my thoughts are with you for your surgery. I'd pray for you, but i lost my faith a while ago. SO, really, my intention is to pray for you, but i cant.

    Oh hey...I forgot, an upside of the surgery is anesthesia sleep! Because i had a bunch of different procedures when they were trying to figuring out what was wrong with me, and I was in the thick of cushings disease which wouldn't let me sleep, I decided "anesthesia sleep was the best sleep.

    Anyway, please, if you can, when you can, tell us/me how you are doing. You mentioned you have a facebook account, but i don't know what name you are under. if you don't mind, would you put your facebook name on this or email me with your facebook name, or however I can check on how you're doing.
    I hope to hear from you soon.

    sleep well tonight. "You aint got no worries"

    1. I wish I knew how to email you! My fb acct is super private so I'd have to add you, but if you give me your email address I'll look you up!!

    2. I wish I knew how to email you! My fb acct is super private so I'd have to add you, but if you give me your email address I'll look you up!!


      Sleep well!