kinda freaking out.

so... surgery on tuesday...

apparently i'm not as excited about this as i thought i was, or as strong as i thought...

monday i went for my pre-admission testing. no big deal, right? just go to tjh, do the bloodwork, answer the questions, pee in the cup, do the catscan, just like before... just like before. just. like. before... and that's what it was. it was just like before. the same room. the same tests. the same hospital.  the same doctor. all of a sudden it was april 2011 all over again and i was prepping for brain surgery. i was scared. i was angry. i was frustrated. i didn't want to be there. what if they found something else? what if something went wrong? and then there's the... everyone's gonna leave. no one's gonna stick around. i'm not going to have friends who are there for me when i come out of this. they all left me before, why would they stick around now?

but it's not april 2011, is it. and i'm not having brain surgery. i'm having sinus surgery. i'm having septoplasty turbinectomy endoscopic sinus surgery. that's what i'm having done. i'm having something that should be a simple procedure, so simple in fact, that i don't even need to stay overnight! so why... why am i freaking out? i am surrounded by people who love me and care about me. people who won't leave me alone... but my past... oh that past and those awful people have left such doubt in my head that i can't help but think that maybe... just maybe... something may go wrong.

i've been crying every day since i came home from those tests. every day. and alot. monday i cried so hard i was hyperventilating, in my bed, under the covers with my teddy bear. it was bad. i don't take my anxiety medication because it's as needed. i haven't needed it in i don't even know how long... but i took it that night. and i took it on tuesday. and wednesday. and thursday. and i plan on taking it every night until my surgery. something's gonna have to get me through it. they're probably going to have to give me ativan the morning of my surgery just to get me through it. and i'm ok with that.

we were going to stay in a hotel the night before so we'd be closer to the hospital, but instead we're driving up the morning of. i'd rather sleep in my own bed. i think i'll be less anxious, use my own shower, sleep in the car on the way up. it'll be better, and cheaper that way. we're staying in a hotel the night of the surgery though.

i actually opened up to a few people about how i'm feeling. well, three people. but three is better than none. well, four if you include my mom. i told my twin, the biffster and the boy. and all have reassured me that they don't plan on leaving my side. and ya know something? i believe them.

i'm still freaking out. alot. but not as much as i was. i started painting again. that felt really good. it feels good to be doing something for other people and to be focusing my attention on other things. painting is just so... calming. and beautiful and just nice. i make some pretty cute things, too. :) maybe tomorrow i'll paint some more, make some faerie houses, some bracelets... since date night has moved to sunday because of this damn weather... oh well.

so yes. i'm scared. and i'm trying to hold it together. and i haven't wanted to but... i let some people in and i'm letting them help me hold it together. and ya know what? it makes it not so scary...