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Friday, January 4, 2013

how am I doing?

how am i doing?  how am I doing?  how am I doing? wow...

i guess i don't really answer that question in my blogs, do i? i have a new follower, and she actually asked me how i was doing... with the cushings and with myself. so... here gif i geoes.

i am... alive. i had my cortisol levels checked back in novemeber and it was normal. so that's good. i'm still... blah. if i get too excited, my adrenaline pumps and the next day i'm completely useless. i'll have to rest, take pain meds, have dizzy spells... it's a good time. or i won't be able to sleep. or my anxiety will go nutty. or the walls will feel like they're closing in.

that's something that i'm dealing with now. or have been the last few weeks. the walls have been closing in. sort of. everyone's been getting on my nerves. if you chew your food the wrong way i'm ready to rip your face off. it's like december became my october. part of me thinks it's because of the people i've been dealing with and the problems that have been thrown on top of me. but when i'm sick, everything is magnified. sometimes i think people don't remember i'm not healthy, or they get annoyed with me when i can't do everything i used to. get the fuck over it. but the walls... these walls... oy.

i had no health insurance in december, remember? so i was told 'not to get sick' and sick i got. well, sicker. i have no sense of smell. it hurts to wear my glasses. the pressure in my face is absolutely insane. my ears, my eyes, my nose, my neck, my shoulders... EVERYTHING. it's to the point where i want to put my head through a wall. i never take my painkillers because i've been getting better, yesterday was tylenol after tylenol followed by dilauded! i haven't needed one of them in SEVEN months!!! SEVEN! so you can imagine the bag of fun that i was last night! my friend got to experience the weirdness that was me... haha. i was a good time. it's nice that he stayed awake and checked on me though. it's nice to be cared about...

so how am i... the walls have felt like they were closing in. i've been getting sicker. i finally was able to go to the doctors. i'm having sinus surgery in february. my doctor says i'm his favorite, well duh. i'm everyone's favorite. ;)  i got put on a high dose antibiotic and a nice course of steroids yesterday, which worries me because the last big antibiotics i was on gave me cdiff and i ended up in the hospital and steroids + cushings = no fun AND will make me bitchy, so watch out. yall thought i was hulkish before... here's your warning.

so how am i... i'm feeling... happy. i have a new song in my heart and it's  beautiful one. physically i'm trying to stay afloat. mentally i can feel myself start to sink. but i'm working on ways to keep myself up. i'd ask you for your opinion, but really, i don't want it.

oh and don't fucking hit your kids. because i'll come after you. asshole.

let's see... how am i. i've had some muscle weakness. i'm dealing with foot and leg pain. when the weather changes i have these weird pains. idk what that's about. so i'm using these pain patches my mom got, but they're holistic so it's not hardcore drugs. they really help with the foot pain. not so much the leg pain. santa brought me a chillow. i've been sleeping with it under my neck to help with the headaches but the past few nights, i've been using it under my legs and it seems to be helping. i highly recommend it.

what else... i feel kind of taken advantage of. like i'm around when people need something. and that's pretty much all i'm good for. it's an old song and dance. but it's how i feel. and it's sickening. but i don't know how to say anything or turn people away. i kind of feel like everyone needs someone to love them, so i might as well be that person, but it's so fucking taxing. so... i'm just going to start ignorning text messages and phone calls. so if i just stop talking to you... consider yourself that person :)

i fucking hate steroids. i can just feel myself getting bitchier. what a great fucking day i'm having seriously.

i had a really good night on wednesday. i got out of the house. watched some boys play pool. laughed alot. it was much needed.

tomorrow afternoon i have something to do, too.

i guess i'm just sick of being sick. i'm ready to be healthy again, to be back in the work force, to be a productive member of society. you're not the only one who's sick of me being sick. sometimes i think ya'll think i'm living the high life. why? because i collect disability? yeah. what a great thing that is. i worked my ass off for it, but now i'm on medicare. which is a bitch. so, i don't make that much and i'm putting a shitton into health insurance- kind of like YOU! but the thing is, some days i can't get out of bed. and the days i'm healthy enough to do things, what is there for me to do? i'm running out of things to paint. i'm reading a book, a great book actually. i love it. but it takes alot for me to focus on it. i'm going to start a pottery class, soon. that should be fun. i'm going to sign up for a salsa workshop, too. if i like that, then i'm going to enroll in the classes, it'll give me something to do.

so yeah. that's how i'm doing. i guess. idk. i'm pretty happy in my heart though. i just don't feel like writing about it.

i just don't feel like feeling right now. maybe it's all the drugs they pumped me full of. maybe it's the fact that it's 6:30 and the last time i ate something was... lunchtime yesterday. i'm just not hungry. it's part of cushings. but i have to eat with the steroids, but if i force food into my system i get more nauseous. so... it's a catch 22. oh, and of course medicare isn't going to cover my nausea meds so i'm fucked when it comes to feeling better that way.

whatever. i need a drink. maybe i'll just do that.

so that's how i'm doing.


  1. ok. Hear and see me saying this,
    "M-hmm...,m-hmm...stupid walls...Hey walls! Back the fuck up!...yeah.....ok, you made it through december...thats good. Now, just hang on till sinus surgery in feb. Like, make one of those count-down link chains like in school...

    Hulkish..I wish i could throw a pillow at you right now. I just picture you with those little kid Hulk fists on...

    W T F(with an eye enlargement gesture)(about the hit the kids part).I think the Cushing's non-focus got to you for a minute there...
    boys play pool?...yeah, steroids suck.

    And yes, YOU DO CARE."

    insert a big fat hug.

    Please elaborate on what came to your mind about the kids part, cuz that really came from the NORTH POLE. or, was it truly a cushing's moment where even you don't know where that came from.

    ok. i gotta let my subconscious think about what you said a bit, so the only thing I can say for now is:

    I had really bad aches & pains, like, my fingers, toes, clavicle, shoulders, skin, hips, etc, you know the deal. even a shower hurt. Everything hurt. Normal pain meds weren't working, they just took the edge off & made me wierd, not present, in third person. Primary doc put me on even stronger meds and of course did tests. He had done tests for arthritis, he didn't think i had arthritis, but thought that a rhuematologist would know what to do about my insanely sensitive joint pain. She prescribed me Cymbalta, which is for FIBROMYALGIA & depression. By the third dose,the pain I had been trying to stop, for about 9 months, with hardcore narcotics had subsided. The only thing is, it is expensive as hell. BUT if you go to, you can get a coupon for 30 day trial for free, then, if it works, ask your doc for samples. And, because it's actually for depression, I think it gives me a little pep that i Didn't have because of Fatigue. i am functioning now. I don't know if you've tried it, but if you haven't, please check it out online & try your doc.

    ok, my subconscious has had a chance to think about your heart, while i was regurgitating cognitive stuff about your physical health.

    And guess what missy? You can say all the crap you want about not answering messages or calls of other people when they WANT something, but that's not going to happen,because, the song that you feel in your heart is created by filling other people's needs, physical & mental. You are their rock. The problem is that you are feeling hurt,in your heart, because they are not realizing that you need to feel loved too.Your heart breaks as a casualty of making them feel good. No one is acknowledging your pain. You need to be loved too. SO, Feel my hug get a blanket & at about 10:30 pm have a cup of tea with whipped cream with me. I live in St. Louis, MO and at 10:30 I have a cup of tea and watch "The Big Bang Theory" I'd make it for you, but your kinda far away.

    Its hard for YOU to write about YOU feeling good, because what MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD,is doing things FOR OTHERS(ding. ding. ding-ding-ding)

    And,by the way, I'm glad you're alive, and I think you are going to be fine.

  2. Sorry, i don't know if you expected all that. I don't even know if blogs are for writing back. You're my first. Well, if i'm not supposed to be writing all that in a blog and you would like to contact me please email me.

    If you're just venting & want me to shuuuut uuup, I know how to do that too.

    Your blog just sounds like when me or my bff are having a dilemma about something. We, kind of, spill it out and the other one helps to sort out what to do next, leave it alone, or how to process what has already happened.
    Either way, it is nice to meet you.

  3. i love that you comment on my blogs! :) hulkish- i actually have a miniplush hulky doll to smash around when i get angry. i bite him, too, when i'm having a procedure done. he keeps me from screaming, or i squeeze him really hard. a 'friend', and i use that term loosely, bought him for me, to help with the hard times.

    and no. there was no non-focus about the kids thing. i needed to say it.

    cymbalta isn't in the cards for me. it was looked at, but it's not something that's going to help me. i'm on a good med right now and i'm working my way up to the therapeutic dose so i'll be fine.

    and i know i'm going to be ok.

    and you're wrong. i really don't care. these people are just getting on my nerves. i gave up caring on them a long time ago. my heart isn't broken.

    i know that i inspire a lot of people, and that people just EXPECT me to be around. idk if it's because that's how it's always been or it's because i'm sick so i don't have a choice, but here's the kicker, i DO have a choice and i'm making the conscious choice NOT to answer messages and NOT to help, and it feels damn good to say no. :)

    you can respond to my blogs whenever you feel like it love bug, that's why there's a comment box. you can also feel free to email me whenever you want. :) i'm also on facebook.
    xoxo nicci