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Monday, January 7, 2013

jump off a cliff

yes. i said it.

jump.
        off.
              a
                 c
                   l
                     i
                       f
                         f

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

was it fun for you? was it? i hope so. because you've basically told me to jump off a cliff with your deafening silence. and then you come around only when you want something. and let me tell you how GOOD it feels to just NOT CARE anymore! and you may sit back and read this and say, well, if she's writing about this then she must care. but the truth is, it just feels good to say NO! it really, truly does. it's like, i haven't talked to you in HOW long? i don't know what's going in in your life, and quite frankly, i don't want to. we don't exchange hellos, or how are yous... nothing. i don't even see your shit on facebook because i have it hidden. we're 'friends' to save face. and you know what? that's fine. but then you come to me asking for my help? and my responses are short and tell you to help yourself. THAT felt good.

there's no need to use me. if you know me at all, you know that i'll tell it like it is. i will call you on your shit and if i feel like you're using me, i'll tell you i feel like i'm being used. even though... i haven't. but i will. the song "be the girl" by aslyn comes to mind. i'll post a youtube link and the lyrics. because it seems to be fitting.

but again. jump off a cliff. because, i don't need you. i really don't.

why should i? because i'm sick? because i'm disabled? i don't know if you've noticed or not, but i'm doing quite well for myself. i have a family that loves me. and incredible medical team that helps me. the friends that i DO consider my REAL friends, rock my socks. and i'm holding food down. yeah, i'm on a lot of medications. and yeah, i'm sick. but whatever. i've got love in my heart and YOU didn't put it there. i have a positive attitude about everything. i'm smiling. yeah, i have really rough days where it feels like the darkness can take over, or my limbs go weak or the fatigue is awful... hell, i'm dealing with more than you can even imagine, shit i don't write about because, well, i don't want to. am i freaking out about my surgery? eh. it's just surgery, but it's never JUST surgery... is it? *sigh* and this whole medicare/medical assistance thing is crapola, too. but i DO have health insurance, so i'm thankful for that. but i can't help but wonderful, if that cuntwhore of a caseworker i had hadn't had fucked me over... would i be needing this surgery? or would i be not so sick because i would have had health insurance had she had done her job, and then i would have been able to go to the doctors and gotten a ct and antibiotics, etc etc etc...

but anyway. yes. being sick sucks. and is draining. but i also make the most of it. i'm not going to let it steal my sparkle. so why don't you let MY illness affect you AGAIN because i forgot that it's all about YOU, right? my life somehow revolves around you.

there's your cliff. hope your parachute opens.

Aslyn, Be the girl

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