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Thursday, January 10, 2013

welcome to my horror story

i don't like to admit it, but it's true. my life can be quite scary.

i spent the past few days doped up on morphine because the pain was so bad, and i didn't know what the pain was from.

my entire face hurt... it started at my hair follicles, the back of my neck, my eyes, underneath my eyes, my jaw, my nose, my teeth, even my tongue hurt...

and then there was the migraine...

from there we'll travel down to the collarbone, to my arms and my elbows. strange to have elbow pain, but they were throbbing. my hands didn't hurt, yay for that. but i had a hard time lifting my arms.

and then the stomach. painful to touch. and my lower back. i don't get  a period anymore, but for my girls who get pms, think of the worst pms back pain EVER.

and then my thighs, and my knees... my knees were screaming, my calves were aching and my feet were crying and my toes were just not having it.

every fiber of my being hurt, and from what? what did i do differently? what was wrong? oh right. i have cushings disease so it all came out of nowhere. welcome to my life.

this journey isn't all peaches and cream. and yeah, i do it with a smile on, because i want to. but let me tell you... i'm still hurting. today i danced around because the pain was gone. but for two days i was in a morphine coma. i fought to the death to even take them. i hate taking pain killers. i probably should've taken them a while ago, but i'm stubborn and try and push through the pain... which usually ends up making things worse for me.

i'd been feeling so much better, too! damnit. fuck this disease. fuck it hard.

cushings disease makes me prone to lots of other things, lots of infections and colds and the like. so guess who has some weird ass bacterial sinus infection that's been killing me slowly? haha. only me. now that i've been diagnosed i can be treated, so the pain will probably be less. but the little things, make everything worse. a little cold for you, will be ginormous to me. it sucks, but it's the hand i've been dealt.

it does suck. i'm not gonna say that it doesn't. and you know what? i am gonna cry about it damnit. that's how i know the pain has taken it's toll on me. if i'm crying, it's time. i can't push through it anymore. if i'm sitting here and all i want is hot chocolate, my blanket, and my mommy, then damnit i've had enough.

and i'm sick of people telling me to push through it. let me give you my uggs and you can spend a day with this shit and YOU push through it. you're not as tough as me. i can guarantee you that. half of you probably wouldn't be as strong as i am. in fact, i've had people say to me that they don't know how i do what i do, how i've dealt with what i've dealt with and that they couldn't do it. and you know what? they're probably right. i appreciate their respect. i appreciate YOUR respect.

so, when i'm tired or cranky or sad or bitchy or sick, do me a favor and be there for me. offer me a hug or hot chocolate or see if i want company and a movie. i probably don't want any of those things because, i'll be sleeping. but still, it's nice to hear, is there anything i can do for you? because some days, this horror story scares the shit outta me.


  1. Nicole, Thank you for your testimony. This gives others insight into what you deal with on a day to day basis. If I had only one wish that would come true, I would use that wish to take this affliction from you. Despite all the pain, you never miss an opportunity to lift the spirits of others. you are a wonderful person and a dear friend. You are also a Champion. My Champion.