happiness can be found in the darkest of times
if only we remember to turn on the light.
-Albus Dumbledore
wow.
it has really been an entire year since i've written anything in here. i never thought i'd let this fall to the wayside, but i did. i'm sorry for that. these past two years have been something of a whirwind. my mental health has been taking a beating. i almost didn't make it through 2017. i'm not even 100% sure how i made it through 2018.
in 2017, the darkness was really bad. it had gotten to a point where i had made a plan researched which hospitals i wanted to go to. decided who should get what. figured out what part of my life insurance should go to what charity. i was ready to end it all. i saw no point in being here. some days i still don't. i don't really give a shit if you say, BUT LOOK AT HOW FAR YOU'VE COME! YOU'VE GOT AIR IN YOUR LUNGS! well fuck you then. you really don't get it. if you've never walked a mile in my shoes. never lived with depression, never had someone crack your skull open, never had a new diagnosis about every other week, been to the hospital 2~3x a month because no one will listen to you so you have to diagnosis yourself, shut the fuck up. i don't care. i really don't. i shut down social media last year and it was awesome. i didn't hear a peep from anyone. so, what does that tell you? a few people reached out to my mom to check on me. a few cheecked on me. a lot of the people who had my number didn't say anything though. so whatever. i still reached out to them, still did the checking in. because that's just what i do. i do feel like a shitty friend though. i disappeared and i can't do everything i once did. i can't drive everywhere and spend and buy things for everyone like i once did. birthdays and christmas will kind of come and go and it's like i forget about people. i don't, i just can't afford to celebrate them because i'm trying to afford to live. it sucks. i'd love to be able to work and spend money and do all the things but i can't. medication is expensive. food restiction is expensive. far away doctors appointments is expensive. having a brain tumor that causes you to gain over 100lbs is expensive *credit card debt* losing 100lbs is expensive *cash only for new clothes* <--- but yay for the cushing's weight falling off. medical marijuana is expensive, and it doesn't necessarily work. some of these dispensaries add things and they make this shit so expensive... street weed is probably better and cheaper. life is crazy.
i also spent last year coming to terms with something awful that happened to me. i realized it happened. and i've been working on processing it. i'm a #metoo girl and it SUCKS. it's impacted pretty much everything. it's taken me 4 years to deal with it. FOUR. so many people say, why now? why this? why that? you don't want to think it could happen to you. that one of the strongest people you know, could have this happen. that you couldn't defend yourself. that you let this happen. and yeah, somehow in my brain, i thought it was my fault. in no way did i think i deserved it or enticed it in any way. it wasn't the way i was dressed or anything like that. i woke up to it. but i thought maybe somehow i had let my guard down and hadn't kept my walls up high enough to alert myself that this person wasn't safe. that the person i was in a relationship would turn out to be a predator. i blamed myself.
it took a few years and some major therapy to get through it and to come to terms knowing it's not my fault. still can't really handle the GYN's office. the whole relationship thing is scary as hell. i'm in one now and i don't know how i got to be so lucky to find him, or him find me. i have never. NEVER met anyone as kind, as generous, as empathetic as he is. he is just... i don't even know. i'm not going to call him my knight because that would imply i needed saving but, i don't know. in a way i guess we kind of saved each other maybe. we've shown each other that love is real and it exists and there are good, genuine people in the world. he hasn't walked. i've told him more than everything, and when i can't tell him what's going on, he'll just hold my hand, or stay on the phone with me til i fall asleep. he is my person. and he's a hufflepuff. so there's that.
i know things are going to get better. they get a little better every day, even when they go backward, which they have been. well, they have been the last few weeks. i spent the first two weeks of december in the ER. November and I think my birthday. i'm running pretty low on spoons right now. i've been running myself ragged trying to get everything done for christmas and this party we're going to tomorrow. i just want everything to be perfect to be introduced to the friends. i made us ugly sweaters for a party on the 9th, but i was in the hospital. so, there went that.
there have been a lot of good things this year though. they've been the little things that i've been pushing myself to keep myself here for.
i had a valentine's day with huey.
i went to dropkick in march with cristian.
in april sissy, huey and me went to CURSED CHILD ON BROADWAY!!! we met the cast and i pretty much cried the entire time.
i also had my right eye recessed so i look like im looking at you now.
i may have done something in may.
in june biffy came and we had a big bbq. i spent almost every day with her while she was here, and if i wasn't with her i was with her kids. it was also mom's birthday. and huey's birthday. and i took a dreams class. and found out i can have kids. i just have to take shots and stuff.
in july i met with the senator to discuss funding for rare diseases and how we can get a better emergency injection for adrenal insufficiency.
in august i was finally able to go back to the center for vision loss. it was really nice to see everyone again. i haven't really been back since because i got sick, but still. nice nonetheless.
September was filled with incredible things. absolutely incredible. I saw Casting Crowns with Becky and Laura. I met Shmoops.
October was my birthday. I had been on this amazing exercise journey. i discovered XHIIT. It's been on the backburner for a bit, but I'm looking forward to getting back into the swing of things next year when my body gets back together. Shmoops and I have been going on long walks and hikes here and there so i want to be functional. oh! we went to homecoming, too.
Novemeber was thanksgiving. probably something else.OH! Hanson String Theory. WHICH WAS ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE! an experience i'll never forget.
and now we're in december. which has been a mess. and my depression has been awful. sissy has a contract in SC and she won't be home for christmas. knowing she's sad makes me sad. i hate her being so far away. the weather sucks. i keep getting sicker and sicker. but not like, dying sicker. my steroids have been a bitch to manage lately. i can't keep my electrolytes up. i keep needing to go get a bag of fluids and then i wake back up. i have no idea why i'm so drained. i want to run the idea of getting a bag of fluids once a week past my doctors and see what they say. one said it was a good idea. maybe this week she'll agree with me. christmas will be over and her kids will have had Santa visit lol. *sigh*
it feels like so much, doesn't it? my life? like it just keeps... idk. the rain keeps falling. the sun comes out. it always does. even if i don't always see it. eventually it shines. even if only for a few hours.
i know i'm the stars shine brightest in the darkness girl, but my goodness. i'm tired. but they do, don't they?
we do. i mean. WE shine brightest. we just have to shake it off. get sad. cry it out. climb under the covers. sleep. sleep for as long as we need. hug a plushie. hold our own hands, because we can pull ourselves out of this. it's going to be ok. it has to.
there are good people, good things, in the world. we just have to remember they existed before all the bad was brought to light, look in our hearts and we'll find them. good exists. we just have to find it.
/*lumos /*
