so.
i was reminded tonight about my writing, how open and raw and real i once was, and how i had used this as an escape to just let everything out. to raise awareness. to bring about change. to give people hope and to let them know it's ok to be human, it's ok to hurt, to be honest, to be open. to scream, to cry, to yell. to just be.
but i stopped.
i won't say let it fall to the wayside, because that's not what i did. i intentionally stopped. i would blog in my head or say, this would make a good blog, someone should hear it, but no one would. i just didn't feel like i could put it out there. i completely shut down. i still kind of am. or re-shutdown, i'm not sure. could go either way at this point.
i had to stop sharing, stop letting people in. the more i let in, the more i shared myself, the more they left. the more you left. the more was used against me. my vulnerability became a weakness, and i couldn't have that. i am this rock, this mountain, this beacon of hope. i can't be weak. i don't have time to be weak. i have to keep thinking of new ways to inspire people and to not let anyone see the darkness inside of me. i can't let anyone see the holes. but they're there.
by shutting down, i got sicker. and sicker.and darker, and darker. it was to the point i had a plan. a plan, a good plan. and then a plan with my psychiatrist to save me. he and my therapist are on speed dial. i think everyone who has mental health issues should have a plan with their doctors. have a plan to get their mental health back in shape. we need to work our minds, strengthen them. realize that just because there is darkness inside of us, it doesn't make us bad. it just means we need a little more light, and that when the light does shine, it's gonna be bright as heck!
i've been angry a lot. like a lot a lot. life these last few months have been rough. really rough. my relationship took a hit. i haven't really cared about anyone in... 7? years maybe? so to be even in a relationship is a huge deal. this isn't one of those, k. free food and movies kind of relationship. this is an, i can see myself with you til the end of time, relationship. i guess when things go as good as they were, you kind of forget there's a real world out there and then when something happens you're just like oh. hey bubble. *pop* but i mean, if it's broke, you fix it. you don't walk away. that's what love is. it's not like this is anything earth shattering. people get into it. it happens. and they move on. i'm just not an easy to move oner. and he gets that. it's why we work. he knows i have a hard time forgetting. and he's an overthinkiner. we just work. we're perfect. we can go from me being upset to talking about bowel movements to cat videos to supergirl to surgery to did you eat today to flowers. like, we just work. he's my perfect human. be with someone who asks the question, did you poop today? you want someone who cares for your body as much as you do. he is fantastic, even when i want to punch him in the face or pinch his nose closed. <there is a slight chance ive done one of these> he's there. he holds my hand. he ices my ankles. he laughs when my jokes aren't funny. he explains jokes so i'll think they're funny. and when i don't understand something, he doesn't make me feel less, he helps me understand and then we do more research on the subject so we learn even more. he's incredible. i'm truly blessed to have someone who not only likes to learn, but is excited to learn. he wants to experience life with me, wants to go on adventures, and we don't even have to leave the country. we're making a bucketlist of places to go in the US that look exciting. there are so many fun things in our own backyard no one seems to notice.
two friends from college came down yesterday and basically pulled me out of the darkness. they don't know that though. if they read this they will.
i was having such anxiety about yesterday. and then he couldn't come and i was going to be by myself. so the anxiety got worse. i don't leave my house. like ever. every time someone says they're going to make plans with me or we're going to do something, it's one of those up in the air fake plan kind of things. we can't even blame it on my crap anymore because i don't have junk. i'm doing a lot better. i have a broken foot so i can't stand for long periods of time, but whatever. i've been walking and dealing with the pain since december. i'm so tired of the fakeness.
anyway
so i've only really been going to ulta or hottopic. they're literally my safe spaces. i know where i'm going and the people there. or they know me lol. hottopic is where i went the day i wanted to drive my car off a cliff. the people in that store are amazing and i love them like family. they are my chosen family. and ulta? two of the girls there have huge pieces of my heart. HUGE. i can't even say how many times i went in there and broke down into val's arms when everything happened with my brother. that girl is everything. and american candle, i love the lady in the candy section. she just makes me feel at ease. i'm just not comfortable going anywhere else by myself. i'm assuming that's what it's turned into.
it could be all of the bad things that are going on in the world, all of the accidents, the fires, the crime- in our area alone. it's just scary. and i don't know. the trust i have for people in general has just disintegrated. i don't like people coming up and talking to me. i don't like it. it's creepy.
so
my friends were up. we met for lunch and i had no idea they were here to celebrate the 14th anniversary of their first date! GAHH!!! HOW FREAKING CUTE, AMAZING, FANTASTIC, BEAUTIFUL is that?! we had such a good time! it was so nice talking with friends and sitting with people and feeling like a normal human being! talking about college and sports and kids and drinks and life and things that had NOTHING to do with ANY of my illnesses! nothing about surgeries! nothing about any of my crap!!! that was such an incredible feeling! I WAS A FREAKING PERSON TO THESE TWO! A PERSON! I was just Nicci. Nicci from ESU. Nicci from Tri-Sig. Nicci Becca's Little. NOT Nicci with Cushing's. or Nicci with the tumor. I WAS JUST NICCI. these two who knew me for who i was, saw me for who i still am. it was such an incredible feeling. i mean, i am still feeling good. i feel like a new life has been put into my bones. i just, it was amazing. there were no phones at lunch. no nothing. just enjoying each other's company. and i made eye contact with them. i don't make eye contact with anyone anymore. i had eye sutgery and i still have a hard time with it. when i met Anthony Boyle he kind of locked his eyes with mine and i had no choice. that was one of the first times, prior to eye surgery, i had locked eyes with someone, wonky and all. and then yesterday. no problem at all. i'm not even sure if i look the man in the eyes all the time. i try, but i either 1. get self conscious or 2, decide his face needs my kisses. so.
yesterday was phenomenal. and listening to her husband talk about how much he loves her and watching them look at each other? ugh. everything!!!! i loved the stories about their kids, too!! it was such a great time! i really do have great people in my life.
speaking of great friends, my cousin is pretty much one of the best people i know. one of the highlights of my day is when she calls me on her way home from work. i love our chats! we talk every day and when we don't talk it feels like something is missing. i love that our families are reconnected and she and i are so close. we are. the same. we have a family party celebrating her niece next saturday so im really excited for that. we'll all be together again.
so. i think this a good start to reentering the blogosphere. cheers
********
ive had quite the entry into 2019. i mean... just... wow.
December
a few days after I posted that, I think 2 days after, I ignored my better judgement and walked where I shouldn't have. i let someone decide they knew my body better than i did. in the dark. a blind person. walking in the dark. on a street full of potholes. how could this go wrong? and instead of continuing to disagree, i caved and i walked. and ended up BREAKING my ankle. i mean, BREAKING. tearing ligaments, the whole nine yards. if people would get their shit together i could schedule my foot surgery. yeah. that bad. but. i digress.
never let anyone tell you they know your body better than you. i learned this lesson 8 years ago. i've known this. i've been arguing for myself for years. but this particular night, i didn't. i listened to someone else. and now i'm paying for it. dearly.
a few days later, my brother went to florida to see some friends and was involved in a hit and run. he was the one who got hit. the driver jumped four lanes of traffic, a median, a red light and hit my brother's harley sending him off the road. my brother spent 32 days in the hospital in Daytona. the surgeons ended up amputating the lower half of his leg, below the knee, because they couldn't save his foot. my brother is incredible. he has been in good spirits throughout the whole thing. handling it better than i think most would. well, maybe not most. i dont think you know what you can handle until it's handed to you. he does have an amazing approach to it. he's laughing. smiling. making everyone around him feel better about what's happened to him. it's what we do. he's such a good human.
when it happened, i felt so stuck. i was frozen. i had no idea what to do. my mom was on the floor hysterical. she could barely talk and im not sure she could hear what his friends were saying. i ended up getting information at one point. i just, i dont know. i didnt know where to go or what to do or how to handle any of it. i dont even think i cried until i was at my therapy appointment. i was just kind of numb for a while. and then when i did cry, it was like the flood gates were open. i wanted to be at the hospital to take care of my brother, to fix him, but i was stuck here and i couldn't do anything. so i was a mess. my parents went to florida and were worried about me being home by myself, i do enjoy my alone time, but the boyfriend came the night they left to stay for the weekend. i'm not sure if he made things better or worse. i did enjoy his company, i just wasn't processing anything at that point so i'm not even sure if i was present when he was with me.
then new years came and i was a mess. i didn't want to go to that party. didn't want to get into a car. didn't want to get on the road. people were going to be drinking and driving and i didn't want to get hit. i knew my boyfriend was a safe driver, but i also knew there was going to be alcohol at this party. i didn't want to be the reason he didn't have a good time. we ended up being late because i became a basket case at my house. my mom seemed to be the only one aware of what was going on and made me talk to him about why i didnt want to go. he promised me he wouldn't drink and i ended up having a really good time. aside from hating him most of the night. for not dropping off at the door. for parking so far away. for having me walk in the rain, in the dark, through more potholes with a swollen ankle. i was fuming. so i really didn't want to be there. limped up the stairs, made friends with a girl and talked about harry potter for a good 40 minutes. so then i was comfortable. let the negativity go, made some friends, ate some good food, played some games, got mad again. I KNOW MY BODY. PAY ATTENTION TO ME. STOP. I AM A HUMAN. and then talked politics with the host. i enjoyed that the most i think, even more than cards against humanity. really strange game.
JANUARY
seemed like it was taking forever since joey still wasn't home yet. i really don't remember much about it. it could be when the lighting of the vineyards was and when we met rina and ted. i love them. they're the best. unless that was november. i'm not really sure. i really have no idea what happened that month.
FEBRUARY
joey came home!! that was amazing. then there was valentine's day. that was really special. we went to this really amazing restaurant. had a really nice weekend together. his dad came up one weekend and i got to meet him.
MARCH
KELLY CLARKSON!!!!! i mean, i honestly don't think anything else is going to top that. at all. maggie rose opened for her. it was incredible. we spent the weekend away. it was so much fun! last weekend i went to a salt cave with a friend of mine. if you get the chance, i suggest you do so! it was amazing! if you have AI, take extra salt and hydrate before you go in. and hydrate and take more salt when you come out! i ended up crashing the next day. i'm sure it wasn't just the cave and had a lot to do with everything going on the last few weeks, months even and then the cave and us not having dinner til almost 9pm. i dont even think i ate prior to that. someone doesn't seem to understand i can't do that. i need to eat on a normal person's schedule. i really need him to understand and try and pay attention. i want to be treated like a normal person, but normal people eat food. and most people i know, if they dont eat, they end up sick. it's not just and AI thing. i ended up in the ER sunday night because i crashed so bad and that ER doc was such a piece of shit. he was convinced i drank too much and i kept saying i hadnt drank at all. but please, tell me how i'm wrong, don't test my blood like im daring you too. all i wanted was fluids and steroids. he didn't even want to give me fluids, as i was passing out. if you get dr.cobb at st lukes monroe, request someone else. he sucks. i already have a letter started. so i spent the week recovering because ive felt so shitty. and then i had 3 doctors appointments. bf stayed home from work sunday night t take care of me and then all day monday before he went in. he was pretty scared. this was his first time witnessing it firsthand. he couldn't even sleep until he got me tucked into bed and surrounded me with water and gatorade. he also watched me sleep for a few hours until he knew i was really asleep. we took this weekend off. he needs to take care f himself too otherwise the stress will get to him, too. he works crazy hours, has a hard time sleeping, and spends all his weekends with me. he was hurtin this weekend. i think we both needed it. i had an awesome time with my friends and he slept for almost 72 hours straight. so, we both had good weekends.
i started a gofundme for my brother. you can read the whole story, post it, share it, donate, pray. anything and everything helps. i'm updating it tomorrow with more photos of how well he's doing now. he should be getting his new leg soon!
https://www.gofundme.com/road-to-recovery-for-joe-velardi
