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Wednesday, August 7, 2013

and this is why i hate you

i think we've all heard that what we don't like about others is what we don't like about ourselves, right? well... let's discuss.

so... day after day i sit here, and i can't do much. some days i can't get out of bed. i've actually had weeks where i've been bedridden. or couchridden, however you want to put it. i'm kind of stuck in this body that is waging a war on itself. i've got a mind that doesn't stop chattering. i have words that sometimes won't form sentences. i have two college degrees that i can't do anything with because i'm too sick to work. i have friends who have fallen off the face of the planet because they can't deal with my sickness, and yet they made me feel like i was the burden, that i was the worthless one. i went from changing the world, to being stuck unable to do much. i get these godawful headaches, like the one i'm experiencing now where my eye hurts, my head hurts, and my teeth hurt. i sit here and i just want to go hiking or dancing or shopping or go work and change someones life. or i want to exercise like a psychopath- like i used to. or i want to take off and go to the beach or go to dorney park or read a book without my head spinning. but i can't.

and then there's you. you with your healthy body. you're ability to move, your ability to work. your ability to change lives. and yet... you don't. you would rather sit around and do NOTHING. NOTHING with your life. i see such wasted potential and it drives me BONKERS!! you could be doing so much more with your life and you choose not to. you'd rather be lazy, playing on your phone or your tablet or your computer while there's a whole world going on around you that you want no part of. when did social media take over? when did technology become more important than human interaction? when? it's disgusting! what i wouldn't give to be you! let's trade bodies, please. i would GLADLY take on your body, male or female and go run wild. i will go hiking for you. i will go enjoy God's earth. i will go change someone's life. i will go on vacation. i will go have fun. i will go be THANKFUL for my health and stop complaining about stupid, petty bullshit that i have control over and that i can change! you have the ability to make great strides and positive changes in your life and yet YOU DO NOTHING!!! why is that? WHY?! do you have a reason?  well... DO YOU?!

i sit around, fighting for my life, every day. i'm thankful that i can put a freaking SMILE on my face. i'm thankful on the days that i can take a SHOWER and it not hurt my body. because yes, some days, showering hurts. it freaking hurts. the drops of water sting, the steam gives me a headache. i'm grateful to have grab bars in my shower because i get dizzy and need to hold onto them while i wash up. maybe that's tmi for you, but whatever. no one said you had to read this.

i try not to complain. i try to stay positive. i try to help people, still, even in my condition. i'm thankful for my cushings support groups. we uplift each other, we give each other advice. we get it. i still try and be around for my friends, even though they don't really come to me with their problems because i think they don't think they can. which is fine. it does make me feel kind of useless, though. like i'm less of a person. yes, i'm going through my own crap, but if you need a shoulder to cry on, i have two of them. and i'm a good hugger. more than likely i'll cry with you. i'm a bag of emotions. part of my disease, or part of who i am, it all depends on the day i suppose.

but seriously. i see so much potential going to waste and it breaks my heart. why waste your life? you have the ability to do so much more than you're doing. i can't do it for you. i'd love to, trust me. i'd give anything to be healthy right now. but i'm not.

so do me a favor. live up to your potential for me. please. make some positive changes. change someones life. CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

make me stop hating you.

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