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Wednesday, February 4, 2015

This needs to be said.

ok. so, y'all know how completely, wonderfully, "refreshingly honest" i am, right? well, get ready. cause here it comes.

if there's one thing i can't stand, it's negativity. i really can't stand someone who's negative all that time. life really isn't all that bad.

but nicci, what about you? what about all the negativity you spew?

i know. i suck. i hate that about myself. no. no, i really don't. i don't hate anything about myself. and do you know WHY that is? because i am a bowl full of AWESOME that's why! even when i was DROWNING in my depression, deep down, i knew that. i knew that i was worth it. that i was worth someone's time. that i was worth the effort. that i deserved to be loved. i struggled with the will to live, but i knew that i was awesome.

doesn't really make much sense, does it? i know. but NEWSFLASH!!!! DEPRESSION DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!

and for you fuckers who say that you CHOOSE to be depressed? here's a nice bowl of go fuck yourself because NO ONE CHOOSES TO WANT TO DIE. NO ONE CHOOSES TO FEEL HOPELESS. NO ONE CHOOSES THE DARKNESS TO WASH OVER THEM.

do you really think that if i had a choice, i would feel like this all of the damn time? fucking assholes. seriously. that's what you are. did i offend you? GOOD. I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK.

and here's the kicker. i'm feeling damn good about myself right about now. i am not caring what anyone thinks of me. i am loving my beautiful self. i am not letting the darkness consume me as much as it was. and do you know WHY that is? i am not CHOOSING anything. i am taking some really good shit! that's right! i am on some good holistic medicine and it is working it's magic on me and i am not feeling so down about my life. so of course, i am gonna see negativity and want to slap it in the fucking face!

but, here's another thing, even when i was drowning, i was still trying to save people. i didn't want anyone to feel what i was feeling. if you've never dealt with depression, and i pray to God that you never do, you won't know what it's like to feel like you're never gonna get better. that your life is over. that there is no way out. that you're suffocating. that you're drowning. that there is no sunlight.

but on the days where there is that little glimmer of sunlight.... you dance. and you dance with all of your might and you hold on for dear life because let me tell you friends, that little bit of sunlight doesn't last very long and then you're back to feeling like you're drowning again. the darkness takes over and you feel like the world is going to end.

and now? now i see sunshine. not a lot of it, but i do see it. i've always known how incredibly blessed i am. do i know why i got sick? no. but maybe it was God's way of telling me to slow down. to protect me from something else. who knows. only HE knows. and you know what? for now, that's ok, i've been beaten. i've been almost raped. i've been cheated on. i've been left. my fiance told me he didn't believe that i was as sick as i said i was, that i was FAKING my brain tumor, even though we started dating WHILE he was visiting me IN the hospital AFTER my SECOND brain surgery and he proposed to me TWO DAYS before my RADIATION. i've been lied to. i've been left for dead. i've lost part of my vision. i've had three brain surgeries. i've had blood clots that almost killed me. i've had cushings disease that tried to kill me. i now have primary adrenal insufficiency which, if not treated, can kill me. i have ptsd, anxiety, depression, mood disorder, seasonal affective disorder, occipital neuralgia, medial nerve damage, tennis elbow, golfers elbow, cognitive delays, traumatic brain injury, chronic migraine, and the list goes on. oh, and i can't work. not sure if i'll ever be able to go back to work. so please, tell me how bad your life is.

my life is so incredibly blessed it's not even funny. even in my darkest hour, i prayed. i prayed for someone to save me. none of my friends seemed to want anything to do with helping me, so he sent my angel, my mother. and she saved me. she stopped me from swallowing those pills. she stopped me from killing myself that night last year.

do you know what else he did? he gave me a csilla. someone who has stood by me since the 5th grade and has consistently checked in on me. someone who has shown me the meaning of true friendship. someone who is proud to call me her friend. someone who, all of her friends know who i am. this girl even calls me her HERO! who does that? this girl has a piece of my heart that i'll never want back. i'm so honored to be standing up for her in her wedding next year as her maid of honor. this girl is not just my friend, but my sister. we share most of the same beliefs, we pray to the same God and we believe in the same love. i'm so excited to have double dates with her! our guys finally met at her superbowl party and while they didn't get to talk much, they have a lot in common so i know our double dates will just be wonderful. i'm excited. and i'm so blessed to have her in my life. she has stayed up late with me many a night to talk me off my ledge, most recently as last week when i was bawling my eyes out after a certain situation erupted and brought chaos to my life. she's a godsend. a true earth angel.

life is not that bad.

oh. and there was the whole, meeting Jamie Tworkowski from TWLOHA. but that's another blog for another day. that man has saved my life many a day. He's amazing. and I met him. and... it was better than meeting HANSON. SO. MUCH. BETTER.

but yes. i can't stand negativity. if you think your life is so bad, change it. you're the only one who can control your situation. unless you're clinically depressed. no one chooses that. depression chooses you.

and come to terms with your depression. if you have thoughts of depression, sadness, inferiority, feelings of hopelessness and despair and they just won't go away... it's not a bad thing to ask for help. there's no shame in that. i see a therapist every week. i have been since i was 16 years old. i'm not ashamed to say that.

yes. talking to friends helps. but sometimes, you need more than that. i'm always willing to listen, but i can't save you. and i can't always help you. i'll be honest, i've got A LOT of shit going on, but i'll always listen. sometimes i think my friends don't want to tell me about what's going on in their lives because they're afraid of what it will do to me emotionally. that and, they don't want to hear the truth. but here's the thing, i've never been the, there there. it's all gonna be ok. kinda friend. no. i'm gonna tell you how it is and that's just how it is. yes, i will tell you that you are a bucket of awesomesauce, because you are. but the minute i see you settling, or see you living a life that you shoudn't be, once you ask me for my opinion, believe you me, you will get it. Csilla knows that. that's one of the things that she says she loves about me. but, if you can't handle that about me, then we don't need to be friends. i think that my friends, they may not say it, but, they appreciate it about me. anyone who knows me, knows how "refreshingly brutally honest" i am. i won't change that about myself. ok, so maybe i could tone it down sometimes, but, whatever. you either handle me, or you don't. man up.

so, i end with this, find your blessing. even in your darkest hour. none of us want to die, we just want to be saved.

and when you say that dying won't solve your problems, well... that's another story for another day. but i'm feeling pretty darn good so i won't go down that path. but i could start a whole nother argument for that one...

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