no but really?
can i?
i don't think you've been paying attention.
like
at all.
9 years people.
9.
have you heard a damn word of what i've said?
no really
have you?
i'm not really sure how else to explain things
how many more pictures
how much more detail
i need to give you
to make you try to understand
any of this.
this isn't easy
healing isn't easy
this life isn't easy.
it is a daily struggle to keep going
the pain is never ending
the medication is never ending
literally
if i stop taking it
i will die.
I REPEAT
IF I STOP TAKING MY MEDICATION I WILL DIE.
I
WILL
DIE
that is the definition of life sustaining medication.
look it up.
do the research i've been asking
no begging
you to do for the last 9 years.
have you?
have any of you?
just because i'm smiling
doesn't mean i'm not in pain
a smile doesn't mean an easy day
a smile means
hey
fuck you
i'm going to push anyway
a smile means
hey
i had ice cream
so that was awesome
a smile means
hey
we woke up today
let's keep going
a smile means
we don't want frown lines.
it doesn't mean i'm cured.
it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt
it doesn't mean my life suddenly became easier.
i'm not sure why people seem to think surgeries aren't serious
especially for me
i am the queen of complications
i mean
come on now
my routine ankle reconstruction
wasn't routine
more things to be fixed
follow-up showed
i can't bend my foot
i can't put pressure down
when i say i still can't walk
I STILL CAN'T DO IT.
why do you think i'm lying?
if i say i can't leave the house
i physically cannot leave.
are you going to push?
are you going to pick me up?
yeah
didn't think so
when it comes to visiting
you don't
so kindly shut up
i am not lying
this is not easy
ask any of the people who are here
every day
who see this
do you want me to video this for you?
how i can't get out of bed?
my screaming in the middle of the night?
no?
ok then
so stop
if i say no
it's no
it's not let's guilt you
let's do this
let's do this
NO
drive
visit
do all the things i can't
follow the fuck through
stop with the one days
and start with the todays.
i was visiting you with a broken foot
while on driving restriction
done
d
o
n
e
stop.
pay attention
really
pay attention
i took a year off because i was going to end my life
i was going to end it.
i was done
i was tired of feeling so completely alone
like the entire world had abandoned me
my family
my friends
everyone i loved
everyone
i was alone.
i took a year to find some peace
to gather myself
to try and heal myself
and you know something?
coming back sucks
i think i preferred the quiet.
no one listened
no one paid attention
no one learned
i'm not sure why i kept trying
why i kept reaching
why i kept trying to educate
to help
to care
to keep going
none of it seemed to make a difference
i did
i made a difference
there's that one
i know he's out there
she's out there
and they listened
i'm sorry you're not
but i really hope you start
because i can't make this any clearer.
pay attention
i can't get any more graphic than i have been
but if you want x-rays, MRI reports and doctors notes because it's not really that serious, i'll gladly supply them.
xoxo
