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Tuesday, July 9, 2013

if i didn't have cushings...

ok. so, i need to write a happier blog. yesterday's was kinda ranty and angry and sad.

i cried alot today. i cried pretty much from the time i woke up til about 7pm. that's a whooooooooooole lotta tears. idk what was coming down harder, the rain or my teardrops. and when i say i was crying, i don't mean that my eyes were leaking, i mean, they were leaking, but i mean gut-wrenching sobs. i was shaking i was crying so hard. i had angels riding in the car with me, that's how i made it home. there's no other explanation because i was pretty much blinded by my tears. al was with me. i know he was. i don't care if you believe me or not, but he was. the songs on the radio proved it. first i asked him to get me home, and then i heard wanted by hunter hayes and then i heard clarity by zen or zed or whoever it is.
but anyway...
so i was talking to jason, because he tends to make me feel better, and he's gone down this road, a different type of this road because my case is more complicated than his was. and i said to him, this disease sucks, but it gave me you. and i smiled. a real genuine smile.
and you know what? this disease gave me alot of good people. a whole lot. and it got rid of the bad ones.
because of cushings, i have a jason, i have a dawniekins, i have a bernieboo, i have a cushie princess, i have a lissalovebug, i have my twinny back in my life, i've gotten closer with my mana, me and the btf reunited because he showed up in my hospital room the day before my brain surgery, me and my aunt sue got alot closer because she had to take me to all my appointments so we were always together, i got my mom and her sister to start talking again. this disease has given me alot. oh did i mention, I MET HANSON AND THEY GAVE ME A SIGNED GUITAR?! right. they kinda did that. that's how i met lissalovebug. and she is simply amazing. i met one of my best friends, through hanson, who i met from getting sick. crazy right? God is good.
Jason is like... a godsend. haha. play on words maybe? he is just fantastical and i love him oh so much. he's a cush, or an excush. and he gives me hope and he gives me smiles and i can talk to him about anything and everything. and he may be miles away from me, but he's always close to my heart.

Dawniekins just rocks my socks. She's a cushie like me, but she's been battling way longer than i have. she's the definition of strength and courage. seriously. look either of those words up in the dictionary and you'll find her picture. any time, day or night, i need her and she's there. she's also miles away but it's like she's not. we even got to go to california together for a cushings research thing. we had so much fun exploring together. we were both hurting when we got home, but it was nice to be able to be together. oh, did i mention she lives in illinois? right. met her through an online support group. and now i can't imagine my life without her.

Bernieboo i met in california as well, but we didn't get close until we found out we lived near each other. i know i can go to her with anything. i can't wait til we start hanging out. it's nice to have someone in my life who really gets it, and then to be able to spend time with someone like me? even better! oh, did i mention she's fabulous? yeah. and she's a nurse. she's kicking cushings ass and doing an amazing job at it.

my cushie princess, my stevie. my cushie sis. we hold each other up, we encourage each other and we get each other. i wish i could click my heels together and be near her, but that's a wish for another day. i'll get my ruby slippers and it'll happen. or maybe one day we'll be healthy enough and be able to afford going to the magic convention in vegas and we can all be together...

my lissalovebug... what can i say about her... what can't i say?our relationship blossomed out of my love for hanson. mmmbop baybee! she wrote me a song when she found out i no longer had a brain tumor. she makes time for me when no one else does. she loves me when i feel unloved. she holds my hand, she holds me up, she gives me strength, she makes me laugh, she rocks out with me at concerts,  she's  crazy, impulsive, sarcastic, witty one who tells dirty jokes and will do anything to make you smile. she's my hanson sisterwife!!

twinny and i got back together. and we just kinda resumed where we left off in high school. daddy said when she comes over it's like we're 15 because we're loud, we're laughing and we're just... well, we're us. she's like my rock. i know, i have a lot of rocks. but she is. she's a strong one that twinny. she's a mom. she's my best friend. she works full time. she's wonderwoman. she makes time for me. she never lets me feel forgotten about, even when i do. especially when i do. she always comes around juuuuuuuuuuust when i need her, or when i'm feeling at my worst, she just kind of knows and pops her head in. it's a twin thing i guess, she just always knows. and i've been dealing with so much of my own crap that i probably haven't been the best sister lately, but i know that she understands and still loves me. which is nice. it's nice to be cared about and loved.

and my mana. she's a nutjob like me. and she makes me feel not so crazy. and when my world is falling apart, she picks up the pieces. hell, she drove up from indiana, and didn't tell me that she was coming and showed up on my doorstep. talk about best surprise ever! i was a basketcase and she was the best medicine. she knows me so well, it's scary. we've been friends since the 5th grade. one of my longest and definitely my strongest friendships.

btf, who's my male counterpart. my soulmate. my backup. my wedding date. we have so much fun together. he's just superduper. we came together, fell apart and came back together again. i think our friendship is stronger than it's ever been. it's nice having a single friend. we can take off and do things that my married with children friends, can't. and there's nothing wrong with being married with children, but when you're the only single one in the group, it kinda gets lonely. especially when you have a chronic illness and are alone all the damn time... it's nice to have someone to be alone with. if that makes any sense. it makes sense to me, and that's what matters. anyway, he's there for me. and we go to the movies alot. and we talk alot. or we try to, and he tries to understand what's going on with me and offers advice when he can and just always offers an ear to listen, which is nice.

and then there's my aunt sue. who i love talking to. she came over tonight because i needed someone to talk to. i mean, i can talk to my mom. i always talk to my mom. but it's different talking to my aunt. i just kinda needed her, and no questions asked, she came over and listened and gave me her opinion and knew what i was talking about. i want the doctor to tell me what my best option is, i don't want to be given different ideas. what if i make the wrong choice? but like she said, i'll make the right decision, because i pretty much already know what i want to do, i just have to make the decision to do it, and decide when to do it and then that's that. and i can't put it off forever. she said, it's time to get your life back. and she's right. i'm sick of feeling like this so, we decided on novemeber. that seems like a good time for surgery, right? this way, i'll start 2014 a little healthier :)

everyone knows i have a terrific family. i've praised them in multiple blogs before. they're always there for me and i guess getting sick has brought us all closer together.

maybe i needed to cry like this and come to grips that i'm so scared. but am i scared of the surgery or scared of finally getting better? i'm not sure. but i know i don't want to have to have another surgery. but like jason said, he'll hold my hand through the whole thing, even if it's only heart-to-heart hand-holding. it still counts.

i have been really blessed throughout this whole thing. and maybe i've been forgetting about those blessings. maybe i needed to read people's bitchy posts on facebook about how terrible they think their lives are, when really, they have no idea how lucky they really are. people don't know how good they have it. i've faced death multiple times and overcame it. i've overcome so much. and i've lived to tell about it.

my physical therapist said to me today, i wish there was a way to show people their inner beauty. like plug them into something and show them, because nicole, you are so beautiful.
wow. just, wow. and she's just my physical therapist.
it's time to get off the pity train. but i don't know that i'm really a passenger on it, but maybe i am. i'm just having a hard time dealing with life. but it's going to get better. life has been pretty calm lately and i feel like either something really good is about to happen or something really bad is about to happen... and i'm going to go with really good. it has to be really good. my rainstorm needs a rainbow.

so... if i didn't have cushings... i wouldn't have some of the incredible blessings i've mentioned. and for that, i'm grateful to this godawful disease. so thank you cushings, for giving them to me. because i love them, and can't imagine my life without them. and hanson. that was a good day. that was a very, VERY good day ;)

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