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Monday, July 8, 2013

i need a hero

i'm ready to say fuck it all.
i think i may have said that before. i don't really remember. i'm so sick of being treated like a guinea pig. i pretty much hate the world right now. i feel like no one is giving me answers, or they are giving me answers, but not the right ones. or they're still not sure themselves as to what to do so they have to do more consulting so i'm still left with nothing.
the doctor told me today that what i'm dealing with sucks and that it's not fair and that he hates what i'm going through. gee thanks doc. please, tell me something i don't know. he also went on about this new drug that just came on the market that he wants to maybe try on me that i've already heard about and the side effects are terrible. you're pretty much guaranteed to get diabetes. and then there's cardiomyopathy. and it's an injection twice a day. like i really want to inject myself again. i'm already doing that once a day for my blood thinners. he also said that the surgery is another option. well duh. i went in there knowing that. and it's a serious surgery. and i'll have to be on a replacement steroid for the rest of my life, and there would be some hormone replacement i'd have to be on, but there would be no more cushings. he said that i'm in the driver's seat and the decision is up to me. so i guess i have alot to think about, even though my mind is pretty much made up. so i guess it's just a matter of when...
i'd have to have the surgery out at jeff, which sucks because i'm gonna be all alone. because really, who's gonna drive to philly to come visit me? are you?
alone is something i've gotten used to. i shouldn't be, but i am.
and it brings tears to my eyes. i've been crying pretty much since i've been in his office.
he's going to present my case to the endocrine board and then contact a lady at NIH about me because i'm such a rare case.
some days, like today, i'm just ready to throw in the towel.
i just don't know how much fight i have left in me.
i've been fighting and i've been strong for so long... i just don't know.
i need a hero. preferably one with a cape. because let's face it, capes are freaking cool.

2 comments:

  1. Those who love you including me would come visit you in Philly. We all want you to know how supported and loved you are and we all just want to see your beautiful smile! I love you and know that I am always here when you need me!

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  2. Sweetie...you don't need a hero.... You are one.

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