the knife

so... i was putting the dishes away today, and i happened to stumble upon the big kitchen knife. and all of these thoughts came flooding into my head. i'm sure you can imagine those thoughts. they were dark. and then i thought, but i'm not a knife girl, if i wanted to take my own life, i'd pop some pills. and then i thought, but i'm past that now. i don't want to be that girl anymore. i don't want to have those thoughts anymore. i don't want to have to fight those demons anymore. i want to be done and over it. i want to be the girl who's smiling every day. the girl who's got a positive attitude. who loves life and all of the people in it. the one who just says screw everything, i believe in the power of love and all that it entails! i'm me and i'm proud of myself. i love myself. i am amazing. i am beautiful. i am wonderful. i am worthy of love. i am incredible. my illness does not define me. i will overcome.

i would LOVE to be that girl. but the truth is... i'm not that girl. i was that girl. i used to be that girl. i'm trying to be that girl. but when you have demons, when you have a chronic illness, when you have to fight as many battles on a daily basis as i do... you start to falter. you fumble. you fall. you lose strength. you lose hope. you become a victim. yes. i know. i'm stronger than i realize. and i'm a survivor. i know this, i'm well aware of this. but it's a struggle. and i'm fighting to survive.

hearing people say just push through it. or it's all gonna be ok. or you have to be more positive. REALLY DOESN'T HELP!! you're not doing anything for me at all. unless you're walking in my shoes or living my life, you have no room to talk. i understand that you're trying to be helpful, but you're not. telling me to push through something when i'm having an incredibly hard day, doesn't do jack shit for me. just to let you know. some days i can't even get out of bed. i can hardly move.

the past few days, however, have been... i'm afraid to say it... kind of wonderful. i've been feeling ok and smiling. i've been happy and cheerful, for the most part, and the dark thoughts are alot less. they're still there. i'm still battling them, but they're easier to fight.

depression is a bitch. and asking me, why are you depressed? i can't give you a straight answer. it's a feeling of hopelessness, of lonliness, of loss, of darkness. i was so low two weeks ago, that as i felt the darkness wash over me, i didn't recognize myself. i actually felt my soul leave my body and look down on me. i didn't know who the girl was that i was looking down upon. she was so sad, so helpless, so lost. there was no talking to her. and her tears, they just wouldn't stop falling. i watched as she tried talking to her friend, and i watched her friend tell her how important she was and how she needed her here, and i watched myself tell that friend that she was full of it. it was scary. i hated being that low. i just didn't want to live anymore. i wasn't going to take my own life. i just wanted to sleep. sleep. sleep. sleep. i didn't want anyone to bother me. i made the mistake of voicing how i felt in one of my online support groups, because the cops showed up at my door. one of the members was worried about me; a person i had never spoken to before. and apparently she didn't read the whole thing where i said i was feeling better and i appreciated everyone's concern! but the cops showed up to make sure i was ok. so that was a little rough. mom had them in tears when she told them my story. the life i'm living isn't an easy one. and it IS amazing that i'm still alive. medically and emotionally speaking.

every day i'm fighting these demons, and on the days i win, i feel like i deserve a trophy! like today, i didn't want to punch anyone in the face. thursday i was in the store and i looked at a lady and i just wanted to deck her. i don't know why, i just did. i didn't hit her, obviously. i can't help these emotions. I HAVE NO HORMONES. thank you cushings disease for destroying that for me. and not everyone who has cushings loses all of their hormones. no no. some people get to be on replacements. but not me. i'm lucky enough to have a blood clotting disorder that prevents that. so i get to have a psychiatrist who tries to balance me out other ways. some days it works, some days it doesn't. and the days it doesn't... well... i need a bigger sword on the battlefield. or, i just become a casualty.

holding the knife in my hand today... stirred up alot of thoughts, alot of memories. october is a rough month for me as it is. yesterday was the anniversary of aaron's suicide. next week will the anniversary of morry's od. a few days before my birthday will be the anniversary of my love, al's death. so... i usually hate october. it's full of sadness. but then, as i'm typing this, i thought... there's also so much happiness. i have my birthday, my dad's birthday, twinny, ajs and matthews birthday. it's also fall so that means football games, marching band season and the changing leaves. so there are alot of good things. i think going to the old hs football game and then going to my cousins marching band competition really did alot to lift my spirits. it's nice to see him carrying the torch. even though it made me remember all of the hell i went through and then made me think... what the hell was i thinking? but then, i was mostly on crutches so... but there were alot of other thoughts. like my tattoo. a few weeks ago, well, last month i got a tattoo that says: you cannot be replaced. it's supposed to serve as my reminder that no. i cannot be replaced. i am needed and i am loved and there is no one quite like me. but two weeks ago i was ready to cover it up because i didn't believe it. i thought to myself, everyone's replaceable. no one really matters. we're all expendable. what happens when you leave your job? you get replaced. what happens when you leave a relationship? they find someone new. what happens when a friendship ends? they find new friends. so... are we really irreplaceable? just food for thought. things the darkness brings on. maybe that makes you sad but, that's what goes through my head.

like i said. every day is a struggle. i'm not the girl i descibed in the first paragraph. or maybe i am. maybe she's hiding away somewhere. maybe she's buried in here and when the demons are defeated she comes out to play. but every day there's a demon. every. single. day.