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Tuesday, December 3, 2013

I hope I can do this

Well ladies and germs, the time is upon us. Friday the 6th... I officially am slaying the Cushings Dragon. Yup. My adrenal glands are coming out via bilateral adrenalectomy by an incredible surgeon at an amazing hospital. I'm not telling you who and where because some things are better kept private and I don't know who creeps on my blogs.

How do I feel about all of this? Well, if you had asked me a few weeks ago, I would have told you how excited I was! I mean, come on now! This is the end to my illness! This is giving me a shot at a semi-normal life! This is giving me a longer lifespan! I'm going to be ME!!! Well, a new and improved version of me. I'm calling this new version of myself Nicci 3.0. Nicci 2.0 was the cushiequeen. But anyway, I was filled with excitement and I was just thrilled at this surgery! I was counting down the days! I'm still counting down the days, 3 more! But now... now the anxiety has set in. I've cried every day since Sunday. I just can't keep the tears from falling. I'm not even sure why I'm crying to tell the truth. I think I'm more worried about AFTER the surgery. How am I going to feel? What's the pain going to be like? How am I going to care for the stitches? Will I remember to take my meds? What happens if I forget? What happens if I go into AI? What IS AI? How long til I'm better? How long am I going to feel like crap? Who's going to disappear on me this time?

And the big one... what's it like to be healthy? I've been sick for so long... I don't think I can remember a time where I was healthy... or not drunk, lol. I'm kidding. But seriously, what was healthy like? Was I healthy in college? My cortisol was super high back then and I know this because I was constantly running around and never tired. I was able to do things that other people weren't. I was nuts. And at times, I really thought I was crazy. Looking back, there were so many signs that I was sick, but how would I have known that? I just thought that's how I was. And now? Now I diagnose everybody. If I know one of my friends is having symptoms of ANY endocrine disorder I'm IMMEDIATELY referring them to a doctor. It doesn't even have to be an endocrine disorder, any type of sickness and your ass better be going to the doctor or you better shut the fuck up. Seriously. I don't want to hear you run your fucking mouth about how sick you are when you can take care of yourself and you don't. I was ALWAYS at the doctor and they couldn't diagnose me. They tried, but they were wrong and they wouldn't listen to me when I would suggest things. Thankfully, I broke my foot, got those blood clots, and had a bad headache. Otherwise, I'd be dead right now.

I've also been EXTREMELY happy since the beginning of November. Like, it's completely nutty and I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's weird. I'm not used to good things happening to me. I mean, let's get real. Look at all of the shit I've gone through in the past few years. When has there been light? I can pick out a few good spots, but mostly it's been one shitstorm after another and now? Now it seems like there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm afraid to blink because it's all gonna turn out to be some sort of dream. You know what they say, when something seems too good to be true, it usually is. But, I've discovered some flaws, so it's not exactly too good to be true so that makes it good. But, it all could turn to shit in an instant so I'm trying to not get my hopes up, but a part of me has them up already, which sucks. But it doesn't suck in the same respect. I don't know. I'm really good at building walls, and it's really hard to knock them down once they're built, so I guess only time will tell, right? I'd like to stay happy though. It's a nice feeling. I like it. It's like the world is more colorful and it doesn't seem so scary. This doesn't seem so scary, Well, I wasn't scared of it to begin with, but you know what I mean. But, I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch. Like I said, I've experienced way too much. One day at a time.

3 days kids... and then my life changes. Having your adrenal glands out is a huge deal. I could die without them. I have to be on a replacement steroid for the rest of my life, if I don't take the drugs I will go into adrenal crisis, have to be rushed to the hospital or injected with my steroid and be taken care of. This isn't something that can be messed around with. I'd really like to not die. Now do you see why I'm freaking the fuck out? It'd be so much easier to just stay sick... Sure my life expectancy would be shorter, but I wouldn't have to deal with the medication monitoring and crap. It's some scary shit. I hear it's easy and not as difficult as I think it is. When I'm in the hospital I'll be on IV meds and then they're gonna switch me over to oral steroids and they're going to teach me what to do. I'm glad I like and trust my surgeon, otherwise I'd be fucked. I know that I'm in good hands, but still. It's alot to handle. I just hope I'm up to the challenge.,,

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