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Wednesday, January 29, 2014

chirp, chirp

all i hear are motherfreakin crickets.

chirp, chirp. chirp, chirp.

don't know where everyone ran off to. everyone wanted to know my business when i was on top of the world, my goodness. let's be nicole's best friend. let's see how nicole's doing. let's get invited to nicole's wedding. holy freaking shit. did my popularity SOAR when i was engaged! EVERYONE wanted to be my friend and i mean EVERYBODY!! of course, his cousins wanted to to make nice, that was a given. i had people i hadn't spoken to in YEARS wanting to spend time with me, and these people weren't even around when i got sick! but slap a diamond on that finger and blamo! instant bffs. this world is sick. oh and THEN when i break off the engagement, people are even thirstier! i'm getting slammed with messages from strangers wanting to know every dirty detail! heffas be hungry! seriously? and where were you when i first got sick? oh, and where are you now? riiiiggghhht....

and let's talk about the dear old friend whos wedding i was in. yeah. let's talk about that bitch shall we? right. i was always running for her. ALWAYS. i can't even tell you how many trips i made to Scranton. and if this gets back to her, GOOD. she needs to know how bad she hurt me. that girl was my BEST FRIEND. i mean, my BEST. we would stay up for hours talking about EVERYTHING. we did just about everything together. but i was the one who held the relationship together. i did the running. i made all the first moves. i was always going to her house, making the lunch/dinner/club plans, etc. so when i broke my foot we lost touch because i couldn't come out to play. i actually lost touch with a lot of friends because i was useless to them. i was no longer the fun party girl because i was broken. and then she texts me one night, how's my favorite gimp doin? my response? oh you mean the gimp with the brain tumor? yeah. that threw her off. so we talked and i freaked her out and she started to be there for me. she started to be the friend i needed. and then she got engaged. and i was excited. her bf kept me in the loop before anyone else. i knew the night of and called her 10 seconds after she said yes. we had one of the greatest friendships of anyone i ever knew. and then... she gets married and i became invisible. now, when people get married, things change. that i understand. but to flat out say to me, i'm married and i have a family. i don't have time for you anymore. to say that to me? how fucking dare you! are you serious?! of course, this is a few days after i break up with my fiance and she says this? because i really need that shit. and my parents went above and beyond for her wedding. i couldn't afford to be in it, but they did everything they could for me. everything. i was out of work, wasn't even on disability and had depleted all of my funds. i was ghetto broke. and for to end our friendship because i wasn't married and didn't have kids so i wouldn't understand what it was like... bullshit. but i guess i didn't matter to her then. right? so... it just ended. just like that. i lost, who i thought, was my best friend, just because i wasn't married and didn't have kids. i didn't know that was the criteria for friendship.

and now facebook has been getting on my nerves. i'm ready to get rid of it. i don't see a point to it anymore. what purpose does it serve? i see funny pictures or see touching videos. i don't really use it to keep in touch with people. i don't really care about my support groups. i don't really care about anything anymore, to be honest with you. i did just delete three people. two of the people i addressed in the first rant. and one that i'll be addressing later. i'm drowning into a pit of darkness and i'm not bitching about it, and then i see all of these people complaining about such trivial things that they can fix. and i'm sitting here like... HELLO!!! i can't see. i can't work. i'm still in recovery. my hormones are dead. i'm dead inside. most days i just want to give up and die. but am i bitching and complaining about it? no. but is anyone asking me how i'm doing? no. maybe if someone was checking on me, i might not feel so awful. oh, who am i kidding. i probably would because i have absolutely no control over what's going on inside of my body. none whatsoever. and i pretty much either don't care about what's going on or i hate you. or it. it's true. i'm numb. or i'm crying. this is my life. and it's lonely. really, really, lonely. and i'm told that most people probably don't know what to say to me. really? is it really that hard to fucking say hey nic. just wanted to check in. or hey nic how are you feeling? or hey nic how are you? or hey nic love you. really? not that fucking hard!! so what's the point in having a facebook to keep in touch with people when they just don't care to keep in touch and you're struggling to keep above water?

so. let's talk about my anger toward my old job. and how a bunch of shits they are. when i first got sick everyone was there for me. my 'friends' promised to stick by me, no matter what. and for the most part they were. when i broke my foot, i was still working and they made it fun. aside from the bitch who started the rumor that i broke my foot so i could spend time on the beach. right, how the fuck would i get there?! dumb cunt. and then we found out about the brain tumor. that was a lot for all of us to swallow. but we all pulled together and we were all gonna fight this together. and then i was out of work, after the surgery. but i still tried to keep in touch. i tried to be a part of everything. and then people started to drift. and i was alone. when i came back to work, everything was different. no one would talk to me. it was like i was a leper. rumors had spread about me behind my back, saying that i was talking shit about them while i was out. i don't know who i'd be talking shit to because i didn't have anyone! but the rumor was that i was spewing on facebook. ah lovely facebook. so my return to work was absolutely terrible. i was alone. in a dark office. and i cried, every day. and when i'd trip over something because i couldn't see it, God forbid they didn't leave it in my foot path, i was told that maybe i shouldn't be working. but my 'friends' weren't there for me. they were the first to abandon me. and yet they want to be friends on facebook? really? how bout no. how bout i was the dumbass that accepted that friend request because i thought things could go back to the way they were, before all of the hurt, but turns out... i'm still holding on to all of that hurt so no. you have been DELETED.

i'm dead inside. dead. dead. dead. really. i can't get excited about anything. at all. i really can't. i try. but... nada. nothing. i think i MAY be excited about my trip in June. i'm trying anyway. i tried to get excited about seeing my wifey a few weekends ago, but i couldn't. i just kinda went through the motions. that really sucked. i was glad i got to spend time with her, and glad i got to see hubster but excited? nope. even when she mentioned us going away in novemeber... nothin. this whole hormone thing better get straightened out and soon because i don't know how much more of this i can take. i really don't. my psychiatrist did some messing around with my meds but so far, i haven't noticed any difference yet. my sister says it can take up to two weeks to see a change and it hasn't even been a week yet. le sigh. fingers crossed i see something soon.

so chirp chirp.

i posted something about how upset i am that people have disappeared. i think what bothers me the most is that the people that i want to care don't. i want to be hearing from my cousins. i would go running for them. and they've all disappeared on me too. but... what can ya do? i'm just not that important to them and that's something i have to get used to. you'd think that after almost two years i'd be used to it by now. and maybe i should be. and i will be. but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt or that it doesn't suck.

maybe because i cared so much i expect people to care the way i do. but, i'm starting to not care anymore... about anyone really. that's this whole being dead inside thing. it's making things easier to deal with. you don't care about me? i won't care about you. the less i hear from you, the less i need to and the less i'll want to. the less i'll try to contact you and pretty soon... i'll end up deleting you. or? when i delete my facebook you really won't be hearing from me unless YOU contact ME because like i said, dead inside. i'm as warm as winter baby. just call me the ice queen.

chirp, chirp.

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