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Wednesday, April 16, 2014

first, let me take a selfie

so, it occurred to me, this morning, as i was taking my "serious selfie" that... i may just not be ok with this whole being blind in one eye thing. i did think that i had accepted it, was ok with it and had moved past it but no... not today. actually, it wasn't until friday night, when i was on my date that it really hit me. we were out and he asked me about my blindness, mainly because i had explained that when we were walking i'd prefer him to be on my left side so that i could see him. and then he explained that he was walking on my right so that if a car came at us, he would get hit first, so that he could protect me. no one had ever explained it to me like that before. but, anyway, he asked me to tell him what was wrong with it and if i did exercises with it and what not so i told him and then he said he did notice that my eye seemed different in a few pictures but he didn't want to say anything. i kind of shrugged it off. and then this morning, my eye shifted, again, i hate when it does that. i can't really control it, but i knew that i was going to have a bad day.
i looked at the above picture i took and wanted to cry. i mean, i did cry, just not until about an hour ago. i kept cutting the picture in half with my hand and kept looking at my good side, the pretty side, the side that was normal and couldn't help but question WHY?! WHY did this happen to me?! WHY couldn't i have had a good surgeon?! WHY did my vision have to go?! WHY do i have to be an inspiration to people?! WHY do i have to keep up a positive attitude?! WHEN is it going to be my turn for things to fall into place?! WHEN am i going to really shine?! WHEN am i going to really start feeling better?! DAMNIT!!!!! FUCK THIS SHIT!!
that's what i was saying.
and then... then i went to the local community college because i wanted to take a non-credit writing course, or SOMETHING this summer because i'm CRAVING going back to school but, we all know that's not possible right now. i'm not healthy enough to do that. i won't be healthy enough to do that for quite some time. but i can't help but want it. i WANT to continue my education. i WANT to learn. i WANT to write. i mean, i AM writing. i've been writing for the past month or so, i've been writing short stories and it feels good to get creative again. i've always had a passion for writing. i don't know that i'm any good at it, but it feels good to do it.
and working. i miss that too. i'd never go back to that hell hole though. being sick i've been given the opportunity to reevaluate my life so i don't exactly know what i want to do with the rest of my life, well, i'm lying. i'm pretty sure i do, but that's my secret.
i don't know that i'm ok with having limitations. i've never had limitations before. i've always been free to do what i wanted when i wanted and how i wanted, and now i can't. it kinda sucks. and this whole eye thing... i'm not feelin it today. not at all.
i've been feeling better though. i've been having more good days than bad. i've been sleeping a lot though, but i guess that comes with the surgery. we all do that.

wait, how long has it been since i've updated this thing? quite some time. i've been having some pretty amazing days. i've lost a lot of weight and i look pretty damn good if i do say so myself! i've been going out on dates, that's been fun. have i met anyone worthwhile yet? possibly. i met some creepers and a MAJOR douchebag, and i mean MAJOR like seriously, what an asshole. but, he could cook so i got to have some really good food lol. i'm living life to the best of my ability and trying not to let anything get me down. that's why i was disappointed in this whole school thing.

my uncle frank passed away in march. he was one helluva man. i still get pretty sad about it. he was taken far too soon. but, it's nice to know that he's with his honey now and that they're watching over us.

it's going to take me some time to heal from this last surgery since cushings has owned me for the past few years, and i have to be patient, if cushings has taught me anything, it's patience. but, the better i feel, the less patient i get! i just want to run and be free and feel the wind in my face! i don't want these limitations anymore! there's so much that i want to do, that i can't do and i'd really like to not have this damn shifty eye anymore. i'd like to look one way in a picture and both of my eyes be focused. and usually they are, at least i think they are, but if i'm having a bad day,  then they don't. case in point, scroll up. *le sigh* oh well. there's not much that can be done about it, except bitch. right? and i do believe that i have that right after all that i've been through. i'm pretty good about keeping a positive attitude most days, just today, is just a pity party day. party of one.

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