jaded

*sigh*

i think that's what i am. jaded.

i used to have the most positive outlook on everything and believe the best in everybody. but now? seriously? the words, "i'm different", "i'm not like the rest of them" or "i've changed", just make me laugh. i really just want to fire back with kiss my ass you're just a fucking douchebag and i think the tone of my voice or some of my word choices do come across that way. i have had so many people walk out on me, prove me that i'm right, lie to me and throw my illness in my face that WHY SHOULD I TRUST YOU? why should i have faith in anybody really? even you who's reading this. honestly, what makes you any different? it was always, innocent until proven guilty, but i've been so hurt and basically DESTROYED by the people i care about (and no, i'm not just talking about people i've dated) that it's become you're guilty until proven innocent. and really, that's no way to live. my heart is so hardened right now, and I HATE IT! i was so open and feeling and happy and willing to just trust and love everyone that it burned me. it was thrown in my face so much, and now? now i'm starting to throw it in other people's faces. do they deserve it? i haven't decided that yet. maybe they do and maybe they don't. i actually had someone say to me yesterday that they want to prove to me that they can gain my trust. on the other side of the phone (because this was through a text message) i busted up laughing. seriously, bro? you want me to trust you? so you can prove to me that you're not like the rest of them? why? because you called me beautiful? haha. ok. please. i've heard that shit before. do you hear me? i'm terrible! i just can't believe ANYBODY anymore. it's like i've given up on people. and do you know WHY that is? because so many people have given up on me. a large part of me just wants to lock myself up in my room and say fuck off. seriously. do i need to take part in life and what's going on? maybe i could do the next few years on my own. just go to my doctors appointments and live in my house and become a hermit. would it really matter?

and my dog is dying. so i feel like a large part of me is dying. there is absolutely NOTHING i can do to fix him and i'm falling apart because i am going to lose my best friend, my healer. the being who has been through EVERYTHING with me and has never let me down. i've never gotten mad him, he's always there to cuddle with, he's always here with me, he keeps me company while i'm home alone since i can't work... what am i going to do without him? i'm REALLY going to know what it's like to feel completely alone now. now i'm actually going to be alone. and it's going to suck. he's always here. don't they say that animals should live forever? i know they don't and i know that this day would come, but why now? why? it's awful. just watching him. he barely eats, he can't jump up on the couch anymore, i have to carry him up and down the stairs to go outside to go to the bathroom, i have to put him on my bed to go to sleep at night, he always sleeps, he has a hard time holding himself up... but some days it's like he's not sick. i hate this. i fucking hate this. i hate watching him suffer. it reminds me of watching my grandfathers (both of them) suffer and there was nothing that i could do to help them when they were sick. i feel helpless and so lost. i just don't know what to do, except cry. i'm a basketcase.

i'm in so much physical pain all of the time. it starts in my back and goes through my legs and into both of my feet. i had an mri of my lower back done and my dr said that there's something on it but not enough to really do anything except physical therapy. but idk how i'm going to do physical therapy when i'm always in so much pain. to me it seems like a catch 22. it just seems i get a little better and then i get a little worse. i have lost 51 lbs though, so that's a plus. i had the mri of my brain done, too. i don't go to the dr to go over it until next week, but i read the report and it's clear, so that eases my conscious a little bit. my headaches have started going away, too, but, with the amount that i've been crying today, i'll probably have a nice one tonight.

maybe i'm just sick of feeling alone, and like a burden. because i do. i want to be healthy enough to go back to school and to have a career so i can do my own thing. i want to stop relying on people and maybe get the hell out of here and move away from everyone and go someplace where no one knows me and then everyone can forget that i ever existed and then they won't have to feel sorry for me anymore. because sometimes, that's how i feel these friendships work. people just feel sorry for me, because honestly, that's what the people who left did. they felt sorry for me. but i know that's not true. i know my REAL friends love me and would take a bullet for me. because i'd do the same for them. i know my inner circle and we're tight and i know i can trust them. i guess i'm just having a pity party today. but i am getting jaded and i do feel bad. and part of me thinks i am going to die alone. all of my friends are either on their second marriage or their third baby daddy and i'm over here like, i love my dog and oh yeah, he's dying. but like, do i even WANT to settle down right now? honestly? mmm... i'm not so sure. i do like the idea of being able to do what i want, when i want and not having to worry about someone else. it's kind of nice. i know, this blog makes no sense, but honestly? I don't make any sense to me right now. ugh! talk about frustrating!!!