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Monday, July 6, 2015

I was baptized yesterday...

So... I did it. I took the plunge.

well, I got dunked is really how it went. It was a decision I know I'm never going to regret. I even gave a little testimony about what brought me to my decision, and had a good little ugly cry while I told the story, but, I won't tell that story here. no... that story will come in time. i'm not ready to write about it. well, i'm trying to write about it. just not here.

i'm excited about my new life in Christ. i haven't been swearing. my anger has been decreased. i've been happier and been living a more positive life... life has been GOOD. am i still sick? yes. i'm always going to have my illness. everyone keeps saying God will heal me. and, here's the thing. unless God is going to grow me some adrenal glands, i'm always going to have primary adrenal insufficiency. can He heal my of my symtoms? yes. can He heal me of my migraines? yes. He can work miracles! and... i was praying for a miracle on Sunday but... it didn't happen. and that made me a little sad. i think a part of me was expecting everything to be immediately better when i got baptized, like everything would be brand new. i know this signifies my starting over, and what i talked about in church was my cleansing of something else, and this is an amazing thing, i just was kind of hoping to get my sight back. and maybe that's silly. but i pray for it every day. and  i know Jesus healed the blind man... i just want Him to heal me, too. but at least my depression is getting easier to deal with and my anxiety is getting easier to deal with, too.

i know i made the right decision. and i'm excited.

the tests however, aren't fun. but i am learning how to breathe through them and how to be slow to speak and slow to anger and to just not let people and their crap bother me. there's a delete key and i'm using it.

i was tested today. when the new doctor said to me, of course you have adrenal glands. everyone has adrenal glands. and i had to respond with, no. i'm pretty sure i had mine removed. and then he said, well, you still produce hormones. and i had to respond with, i don't have a pituitary gland either. and then he tried to convince me that i could take a medication that three of my doctors have all warned me against on multiple occasions.
instead of going off on him i just clenched my fists and nodded and yessed him to death and walked away and told one of the nurses that i would never be seeing him again and told her what had happened. tomorrow and i am calling my regular doctor to tell him what had happened so this can be handled and when i have to go back at the end of the week i don't have to see this guy.

but back to this baptism.

you weren't there. and that kind of made me sad. i know it's supposed to be between me and God. and it was. but... it would have been nice if you could have been there to support me. i mean, i wasn't at your wedding. we're done. our friendship has bit the big one. i just ripped up pictures of us that i found to day. and my heart aches from what you did to me. so i guess i just need to pray that God heals my heart and maybe heals our friendship, or lack there of and that we can go our separate ways without any ill will toward one another. i send you love because holding onto this pain is destroying me.

i'm excited that i got baptized. i love my new church. i hope i can find some way to get involved in it. i'm slowly building up my strength and i'm having better days. i'm still having my bad ones, like today i didn't get up until 3 but i finally SLEPT so that was a wonderful thing and right now i'm not in any pain, aside from the pain that's in my ear and the dizziness that i keep experiencing, but i just chalk it up to the norm and that it's what's supposed to happen. nothing really surprises me anymore.


i send you all love and blessings.

i know. this wasn't too exciting. but, they will be. especially when i'm ready to confess :)

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