Monday, July 27, 2015
harry potter make nicci sad.
if you're reading this, i guess you got the hint that this was about you. or you were curious as to what i was up to since we haven't spoken since april. i guess you do care.
are you proud of me? i know what that word means now. i watched a harry potter marathon over the weekend. watched six of the seven movies. (all but goblet of fire. abcfamily didn't air that one) i can kinda see what the hype is about and why you're obsessed with the books and Harry himself. i had a lot of questions, things i couldn't catch onto because my brain doesn't work like a normal persons but, i couldn't call you. couldn't text you. i had to ask someone else. SOMEONE ELSE.
i really enjoyed my marathon. but, there was a tugging at my heart during the entire thing. something just didn't feel right. i wanted to cry during the entire thing. my friend said that deathly hallows was emotional, and i did cry when dobby died, i loved that little elf. but... tonight... when i was learning new exercises, i just started thinking about you and harry potter (partly because i had taken a shower and beforehand i had watched a youtube video of danny r rapping with jimmy fallon so maybe that's why you were on my mind, who knows) and the tears just began to fall.
this wasn't supposed to happen to us. we weren't supposed to fall apart. we were supposed to be together forever. we weren't supposed to let my illness or your boyfriend/fiance/now husband come between us. you were supposed to stand up for me. be by my side. not let him make fun of my illness or my disabilities or what i was going through. but you didn't. you let him dig at me and hurt me. and just say, that's just how he is. ok. so it's ok for people to make fun of my disabilities and until i have a complete meltdown (which i did the day of the NYRF) THEN we will tell him to shut up and apologize? that's what it's going to take?
and then telling me not to come to your wedding because i asked for some assistance for my medical condition and that would be putting you out so you uninvited me. how difficult would it have been for my mom to sit in the parking lot and wait for me while i stood and watched you marry your other best friend? and then i could have kissed you both and went on my way. but no. that wasn't good enough. you just told me not to come. do you have any idea how much that hurt me?
and now, we haven't spoken since april.
and before then, when we had our weekend and it was just awful and i told you how i felt that we were drifting apart and i cried and you just told me that we would fix it and that it wasn't true, now look at where we are. we aren't even speaking. i told you that we were growing apart. you promised me wouldn't. that our friendship was one that could survive anything and everything. you had been there for me through EVERY hospital stay. EVERY operation. EVERY funeral. and now? i'm attending the funeral of us. alone.
it's like i'm the only one feeling the pain of this. i have this huge hole in my heart that i don't know will ever be filled. i can say time will heal this wound, but really? losing YOU? this is the most awful break up i've ever experienced. this hurts worse than when anthony and i ended it, and anthony's pain was like i couldn't breathe. or maybe it comes close to when Al died. and you were there for me through that pain. you sat with me. held my hand. and now? you're gone. you told your husband the day he met me that if he was going to date you, he was going to have to take me, too. it was going to be a package deal. but, you let him come between us. you chose him. it's no longer the three of us. it's you and him. you weren't happy when i started dating, you wanted me to stay single. you are surrounded by couples. no man i ever date will ever be good enough for me. i get that. but you still have to be nice.
i'm content being single. i was happy being the three of us, but then, you started pushing me out and treating me like the odd man out, like i WAS a third wheel or a burden. you would have all of these get togethers with your couple friends, but wouldn't invite me because i was single and wouldn't fit in and then say, oh, wish you were here. well, how would i be there if i didn't even know about it? you were always worried about how i would be places but you would never invite me. and then when we would make plans to go places, you would spring other people on me and throw my anxiety into a tizzy. so that was fun. so how was that good for me?
i just don't understand. maybe it's meant to be like this. but my heart is aching right now. and it's all because i watched freaking harry potter. i wanted to text you. and tell you what i was doing. and plan a trip to harry potter world. but, i know that will never happen. because, well, you threw me out with yesterdays trash,.