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Monday, August 29, 2011

did you think we'd be here a year ago?

that's what chris asked me, as we danced at laura's wedding... my response? nope, i thought id be dead by now...what a beautiful day... no seriously. so what, there was a hurricane. i woke up next to the most amazing man in the world, well, third next to my dad and brother, and we got to see my babygirl get married. the pain ill feel tomorrow will be well worth it :) Laura looked absolutely stunning, and Doug looked so happy... and don't get me started on Blake! Watching Laura walk down the aisle with her dad... I couldn't stop the tears from falling. Laura and I have been together since we were 6/7 years old... she's not just my friend, she's my sister. and watching my other dad give her away... beautiful. I couldn't help but squeeze Chris' hand. He was kind of emotional too. Such a beautiful ceremony, for such a beautiful couple.
Chris pulled me onto the dance floor, surprise surprise, and asked me, did you think a year ago, you'd be here? and honestly, no. I thought i would be dead, or something else would be wrong. what a journey i've been on... it's been absolutely INSANE! black outs, a broken foot, blood clots, brain surgeries, meeting Danny Gokey, meeting Hanson, getting engaged, having radiation... and that's only in the past year! CRAZINESS I TELL YOU! but... im truly blessed. I've been able to weed out the bad apples in my life. I've also grown closer to some people, and rekindled old friendships. I love my life, I really do. I know some days are really bad and I can't help but be depressed. I AM DEPRESSED. I have PTSD. some days it's harder to crawl out of the darkness than others, but I can tell you that I always will crawl out. I have too much to live for in my life, but some days it's hard to come to grips with everything. This past week alone I've actually spent HOURS and DAYS crying. But it's ok, because that's part of the grieving process. I just felt like being sad and falling down, meant a setback, but apparently it's ok and I shouldn't be so hard on myself for getting upset with missing the life I've lost. And you shouldn't get mad at me either, that's just not fair. You don't know what it's like, or the life I'm living or the life I've lost.
Did you know that I have to relearn pretty much EVERYTHING and I feel like I'm 5 years old? no, you probably didn't. Do you know how hard it is for me to read or write? Nope. How bout driving? Or even walking. I fall over. I fall into things. I can't always see where I'm going. I'm very off balance, but you didn't consider that did you. I have an incredible fiance, who, has to deal with insane mood swings. I yell. Then I cry. and do you know what he does? Holds me and tells me everythings gonna be ok... I would have left myself, but he stands by me. I sit home, every day, because I can't go anywhere and I can't really do anything. I have started to paint, which I really enjoy and is helping me to focus and be proud of myself. Yeah, let's talk about focus and how I can't really concentrate on anything for more than 10-15 minutes. Or how I talk superduper fast because I'm afraid if I don't say everything that I want, I won't remember. Memory... that's a fun thing. I don't always remember people, places or things. That's fun too.
But you can go ahead, sit there and get annoyed with me because I have bad days, because I cry or because I get angry. Go right ahead. You don't know the pain I'm in CONSTANTLY or how i HATE taking pain killers... but i have to. Or how I'm not working, and yes, I miss it. I do. I absolutely LOVED what I did... why? because I knew I was making a difference in the life of a child, or a family. Sure, they don't always appreciate what we do, when we do it... but they do. My job is what made the tumor grow second time around, but, when you lack a support system in your place of business, especially when it's high stress, what can you expect? And NO, i don't care if im offending you. I cut out pretty much all of the people I worked with because they let me down, hardcore. What did my unit decide before I came back? Oh right, "you're really negative, you don't appreciate anything anyone does for you, you have a low self esteem and you need intense therapy" Gee thanks Placement Unit. If I remember correctly, I was the FIRST to jump for ANY of you- birthdays, thank you cards, pick me ups, whatever, whenever. I believe Alison even put that in an email to the ENTIRE office when she wanted you guys to sign a card for me. Hmmm... not like any of you will see this since I blocked you all, but whatever. Feels good to get it out.
So anyway... I absolutely love Chris. *warning, this section may make you pukey if you're not a mush* He is... just... incredible. I loved him when I was 16 and I love him even more now. He stands by me, regardless of how sick I get, how sad I get, how angry I get. He takes care of me. He says it's ok for me to need him, to lean on him, that he's going to support me. I just... how the hell did I get so lucky? Some days I just... I want to walk away because he deserves so much better! He is by far the most wonderful person I know. He's so caring, compassionate, full of love and understanding, he talks to people, he is a genuinely GOOD person, and those kind of people are hard to come by. EVen if we weren't in love, and getting married, I'd be so blessed just to be able to call him friend. I've always felt that way. I always referred to him as my favorite ex boyfriend, because he didn't do anything wrong, and he was incredible then. On our second first date, before we went our seperate ways, I said to him "do you know how wonderful you are? no seriously. you're like the most wonderful person i know". and it's true. anyone who gets the chance to meet him, is truly blessed because they will never meet anyone as amazing as him, ever... and I get to marry him :) and when I'm better, I'll be able to fall asleep and wake up with him EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. how lucky am i?
and i met hanson. let's not forget that. and taylor kissed my cheek and said he was glad im alive. HELLO! that's totally worth getting sick! haha
and Danny Gokey... he is just.... phenomenal. Listen to his music. and he's not bad on the eyes either, I told Chris if I wasn't going to marry him, I'd marry Danny... lol
And my family, they're some pretty awesome people. I'm so lucky to be a Velardi/Gilliam/Velli/Close girl :) I don't think I'd be where I am without them. My mom and my sister are my best friends. I know, my sister? haha. Anyone who knew us just fell over, but it's true. She's my rock. My aunt is pretty flippin awesome too :)
and my friends, the ones who are TRUE friends. What, there are like 600 of you on my friends list but are we really friends? not really, more like aquaintances, but that's ok. I don't mind. But my TRUER THAN TRUE friends, have been incredible through everything and every day I'm amazed...
but then there are those friendships that are dead. People who I thought were ride or die, are pretty much sucktastic and I have nothing to do with them anymore. EIther they let me down or, turns out, I was the one who was making the friendship work. I would make the phone calls, make the plans, send the cards, etc. But seriously, why should I have to be the one to do it all? Friendship is a two way street. Why should I be the one to make it work? I'm over it. So, should my list of 'friends' dwindle, I don't care. Wait no, I'm lying. Because I do care, I'm just tired of it. I'm sick, not dead.
Hmm... I dont know that there's anything else for tonight, I'm just so happy I got to watch my girl get hitched today, to her best friend. And i'm looking forward to next September when she gets to watch me marry my best friend

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