over and out

i am really ready to just be done with everything.

it's like whatever i say is wrong.

whatever i do is wrong.

some people don't believe that i'm really sick. what more do i have to do? really? 3 brain surgeries aren't enough? a chronic illness isn't enough? bedrest for most of september isn't enough?

what about the fact that i haven't been leaving my house? how about the fact that i've been pretty completely silent? does the fact that you haven't heard my voice or seen my face worry you in the least bit? it seems that it hasn't. and that worries me, or well... no. no it doesn't anymore. i'd say it angers me, but it doesn't even do that anymore. i've fallen so far deep into this darkness that all i really feel is numb and sad. and sad and numb. and all i really want to do is cry and sleep and cry and sleep and maybe... just maybe drive my car into a tree. or into a ditch. or off a bridge. maybe. but then, you probably wouldn't notice if i was gone, would you.

no, this isn't a cry for help. because, i wouldn't really do it. just stating how i've been feeling. and i've been feeling this way for quite a long time now.

it all came to surface last wednesday. i had a complete breakdown.

fuck it. i can't even type anymore.

ATTENTION CUSHIES!!!

CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE?
can i have your attention please?

all cushings patients, possible cushies, this is for YOU!!!

this is a message from the cushiequeen, aka ME

we have what is called, CUSHINGS DISEASE or SYNDROME or CYCLICAL CUSHINGS or... THE UGLY DISEASE... OOOOOOooooooooo.........

well, NEWSFLASH: CUSHIES ARE HOTTIES! i dont care how much you weigh, how much stria you have, hair you grow, you are freaking beautiful, are you reading this? YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. CUSHINGS WILL NOT DESTROY YOU! YOU ARE FABULOUS! ♥

i know we all have our bad days, trust me... i've been sinking into the darkness so much that it's almost been impossible to crawl out of. i've been so incredibly sick recently that i've been on bedrest for two weeks. and i just... pretty much hate everyone. and october is a very rough month for me. while i should be enjoying it, it's my birthday month, my best friends got his lead role as an actor, i'm going to a wedding, i'm also mourning the loss of the 6 year anniversary of some suicides of a few friends and the tragic death of another. i hate this month. and im trying to stay strong, but this disease has made it harder...

but you know what? i can't let it beat me. i can't. and i won't. and you can't either. you are more beautiful than you give yourself credit for. remember that. when you're struggling and don't think that someone gets it, we do. when you think that no one loves you, we do. we're stronger together. and we will get through this. 

you're beautiful. you're a star. don't let anyone knock your shine ;)

pills, pills and more pills...

instead of saying, there's an app for that... in my life it's... i have a pill for that.

seriously. you should see the arsenal of medication i have. pain meds. nausea meds. life saving meds. blood thinning injections. steroids should i go into an adrenal crisis. something for anxiety and panic attacks. headache meds- because i can't take regular tylenol. something to stop me from going apeshit on someone. something for acid reflux. breathing medication. c.diff medication. antibiotics that i need to keep around. MRSA cream. bacitracin-because im allergic to neosporin. vitamins.

you want it? chances are... i got it.

and you know what? im getting to the point where i am ready to be done. i just am done. i don't want to take anymore pills. i don't want to inject myself every day. i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. ok, so it's not ALL the time. but september really took a toll on me- physically and mentally.

i really feel like i'm heading for a break down. and maybe that's why i've blogged two days in a row. maybe that's why the douchebag at the supermarket got to me and i broke into tears in my car...

oh right. my good time at giant...
so there i am. at giant. checking out. and i swiped my fs card. paid the rest in cash, and then i'm putting my bags in my cart when the guy behind me LITERALLY RAMS ME WITH HIS CART. I said, could you give me a second? His reply? Could you move a little faster? What the hell's wrong with you lady? My reply? I'm sorry. There's a reason I'm disability sir.

Are you fucking serious?! what the hell is wrong with people!? and this guy had to have been in his 40's or older. like seriously. he grew up in a time when people should have learned respect. 

so i brought my stuff to my car, walking slowly because i don't feel well. and i have tears streaming down my face. so after i put everything in my car, i walk back into the store. i'm not sure what i was going to do. he wasn't there, so i was going to tell the store manager about what had happened and then i thought... was he going to care? probably not. the cashier didn't say anything. she ignored it, so why bother?

so... i walked back to my car. sat in it for a while. started to cry and then thought i could drive home. nopers. so i drove to the back of the lot. and just bawled. i don't know if i was crying because i was treated like that, because my back hurt... shopping carts hurt, or just from everything i've been dealing with... 

but i'm home... and i have a pill for that. i have an arsenal. and i could take enough where i could never have to deal with ignorant pieces of shit again...

and then i think... that wouldn't really solve anything either. i'd much rather fight back. 

i look forward to the day where i no longer need to take 20 pills a day. not the day i have angel wings and am walking with al and aaron, though i know i will cherish the day i see them again...

this is why i hate october. 

anyway. i really am sick and tired of being sick and tired. i do have my good days but lately... it's been more bad than good. and i'm not liking that. i want more good than bad! 

and i'd really like people to reach out. i'm tired of reaching out. call this a cry for help or a cry for attention, call it whatever the hell you want. but if you care- do something about it and freakin prove yourself. because im slowing becoming done with you.

actually, i think i've already become done with you. if your picture's not on my wall... chances are your dead to me. and if i've taken your picture off my wall, then yeah... you ARE the weakest link. goodbye.