the thrills of online dating

you know those butterflies you get in your stomach when you meet someone pretty incredible? those are fun. the sparks. the chemistry. all of that. it feels like high school all over again. i love that feeling. i'm all about those feelings.

and thanks to the internet, i get to experience those feelings. more than i'd like to. you see, thanks to online dating, the thrill of meeting someone and wondering what could happen and pursuing that person and the possibility of a relationship... DIES. it just does. why you may ask? BECAUSE IT'S A FREAKING COMPETITION. oh. i like you. let's hold hands and kiss and talk about what could happen with us. but ooh look. that one has bigger boobs or a flatter stomach or a better job or isn't sick or has blonde hair or blue eyes or is more exotic or has something that you don't and BAM it's on to the next one. there is no such thing as monogamy in the online dating world. no no. it's all about how many chicks you can score at once. you date as many people at one time as you can. why bother pursuing ONE person that you've connected with when,you might just find someone better?

i guess i'm old school. i feel that, if you've connected with someone, you should put the others aside and actively pursue that ONE person and see where things go with them. what's the point of being with all of the others? is it really all just a game? are we really that disgusting? my mom says i don't give people enough chances. and, maybe that's true. but honestly, why should i? when i find out that you're seeing other people, i feel like i should take myself out of the equation because i don't want to have to compete with someone else for your attention. that's not how i do things. if you want to be with me, then BE WITH ME. don't be with me and everyone else. i don't need an std. and no, i don't sleep around. if we're in a relationship. then you get the benefits of all that goes with it. but honestly, i think i'm not even gonna kiss a guy unless he's serious about me, no matter how good it feels. i mean, i kiss them because i want to see if we have that chemistry but with kissing comes feelings and do i really want to open my self up to any of that? when he's just in it for the gratification? act like a lady, think like a man. i think i need to start putting my money where my mouth is. and then, when a guy shows interest and when i think i can trust him, i let him in and he turns out to be a total douchey douche. so, what do i do? we're not supposed to let our past precede us, but doesn't it? don't we base all of our decisions on past experiences? i know that i'm an open book and tend to trust people too easily, but when i try and be an ice queen, i only end up hurting myself and possibly missing out on something wonderful. so where do i draw the line? this whole thing is confusing. i hate dating. i really wish that we were born with a card that told us who we were born to be with and when. the rest of the stuff wouldn't matter. it would cut out so much heartache and drama. *sigh* i guess it's more game playing for now. but honestly, i'm ready to just say goodbye.

the girl in the mirror

she's pretty.

brown eyes.

currently has red hair.

most of the time wears glasses.

but,

i don't really recognize her. 

i'm all over the place. i'm either wanting my world to end, or ready to start my next adventure. i'm either picking a fight with someone or in love with everyone. i'm either thinking about how horrible my life is, or encouraging others that it DOES get better.

i'm in pain ALL of the time. literally some part of my body hurts every.single.day. no one seems to know how to make it stop. i only have ONE doctor that seems to want to listen to me. the rest just seem to pass it off to the other one. nice, right? and my case is so unique that GUESS WHAT? i have something NEW wrong with me. and... i guess you'll never guess this one... it's RARE! hahahahaha. i  LOVE THIS LIFE. seriously. it just gets better and better.

i am alienating everyone. i don't want to be around anyone. everyone is either pissing me off or adding to the depression. you're either part of the problem or part of the solution and most of the world is part of the problem. don't ask me why, you just are.

i feel pretty alone. like no one gets it. and how can you? you're not stuck in this body. you're not living this life. you're not faced with the stigma... you're not "disabled" "handicapped" "broken" "diseased" " ill" are you?  are you forced to sit back and watch the world go on without you? are you sitting here watching all of your friends get married and have kids while your insides go to waste because a doctor screwed up? because a disease destroyed you? are you sitting here feeling like you're on the outside looking in? are you sitting here feeling like you're falling further and further away from your closest friends because you just don't fit into their circles anymore? do you? do you feel like you just don't belong? do you feel like you just don't have a place in this world anymore so maybe you'd be better off in another world? in a world where there would be no more pain? no more anger? no more hurt? do you ever feel like that? i do. all the damn time. these thoughts cross my mind. i told you. every day a part of me hurts. i just never said what part. and yes, physically i hurt, too.

do you know what it's like to be made to feel like shit because you're "disabled, handicapped, broken, diseased or ill"? i do. it sucks. it hurts. it's not my fault i can't do the things i once used to. and you know what? i am NOT handicapped. i am NOT disabled. i am full of more life than most healthy people.

do you see what i did there? there's the all over the place thing. i can't take this anymore! i hate that i'm going through this. i can't stand that my family is going through this with me. the only person who knows about any of this is my twin, because she's the only one who i really trust with any of this. who kinda gets it. not that some of my other inner circle wouldn't get it. i know that one in particular is reading this right now because i asked her to would try to understand, but because she's never walked this path, she may not. if you don't live this life, live it with me day to day, it's hard to get it.

when you're sick, your whole life changes. everything is thrown through a loop. your family is thrown through a loop. they're affected, too, people disappear. friends leave. you understand who really gives a fuck and who doesn't. honestly? i don't give a shit. you don't want to be here for me? there's the door. i'm done. my give a damn's been busted for years.

i'm starting to hate the woman i'm becoming. and that's not a good thing. but other days, i'm completely in love with myself. no. that's bullshit. i kinda like myself. i'm falling into this dark hole and i can't really see a way out. i've met some people who sort of get it, and i'm thankful for that but, they're not here. they're in an online addisons support group so... really... how much help they can really be, i'll never know. but it's a start.

*sigh* this whole thing sucks. i keep hearing that it's going to get better but... it's been 9 months now. and so far, it's just gotten worse. so really, i'd like to call bullshit on that one. i may look like a million bucks but i feel like my bank account has been overdrawn.

you, me and Patch Adams

I am stunned. Heartbroken. Shocked. Dismayed. And yet I can't help but think... 

if the demons were too strong for Robin Williams to fight... what makes me think that I, me, Nicci, am going to be strong enough to wage this war?

He had access to much more help than I ever will. Or so... I hope he did. But maybe his demons were stronger. He left behind a family. He left behind a legacy. He left behind a story and raised some eyebrows and I think he woke people up. 

Did he wake YOU up? are YOU thinking about mental illness and depression and suicide awareness now? are YOU listening? 

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!

I used to sit back and wonder what it was gonna take for people to open their eyes to depression and suicide and everything that went along with it. I think people are finally going to start talking. No. I don't think they are. They are. 

I was listening to Jeff and Amanda on KRZ today and they talked about it for a good 45 minutes. I was in tears. People were texting, calling and emailing them with their stories. Jeff was talking about his sister's depression. People are starting to talk. My friend, my newfound spoonie, he's my new soldier and we're going into battle together. At least, that's how we're looking at things. It's like no one around us understands what we're going through. And, we try talking to our friends, everyone says, talk to me, I'm here for you but, are you really there for me? Some of you say you are but, then I feel like I'm being blown off. Having a soldier who's actually waging this same war with me, we're leaning on each other. Crying together, sending each other spoons, getting on each other's nerves. It's kinda nice. Now DON'T think for ONE SECOND that I don't need YOU, too! Because I DO! I NEED my friends. I NEED my family. I need people by my side. So does he. People need other people. Everybody needs somebody. Haven't you figured that part out yet? We can't fight our demons on our own. Wars can't be fought alone. That's how we crash and burn. 

We also must not stay silent. The issues of suicide and mental illness and depression NEED to be talked about! Lives are being lost. People are afraid to talk about things. I think it might be because when they do reach out, people don't know what to say and then they just get blown off or abandoned. 

Here's what I have to say to those who don't know what to say:

If you think you don't know what to say, SO WHAT!!!! You're being reached out to because this person loves you and NEEDS you! SAY SOMETHING! SAY ANYTHING! SAY I LOVE YOU! SAY YOUR LIFE IS WORTH LIVING! SAY WHAT'S WRONG? SAY TALK TO ME! SAY I'M HERE FOR YOU! SAY, DO YOU WANT ME TO COME OVER? SAY WHAT CAN I DO? SAY ANYTHING!!!!!

There are PLENTY of things to say. Just PICK UP THE PHONE!!! CALL HIM OR HER BACK! TEXT BACK! DO NOT IGNORE THE PERSON! ALWAYS TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY! SUICIDE IS NEVER A JOKE!!! DO YOU HEAR ME NOW!?!

 I think the excuse of not knowing what to say is a bullshit one. I don't care what mood I'm in or what I'm doing, if you need me or if you're depressed or thinking about ending it, I WILL BE THERE. CALL ME. TEXT ME. COME TO ME. I AM HERE AND I WILL TALK TO YOU. YES I am going through my own stuff and dealing with my own demons and depression but that doesn't mean I can't be there for someone else and help talk someone off a ledge. In fact, I actually think that it makes me more aware because I'm dealing with the same stuff I wouldn't want someone else do be going through what I'm going through so I'd try and help them out of it. 

PLEASE REACH OUT. PLEASE. 

WAKE UP PEOPLE. THIS IS A SERIOUS ISSUE AND NEEDS TO BE DEALT WITH. 

I really hope that Robin's Legacy lives on and that his memory lives forever. He was a true genius and touches millions of people. I also hope that people look at his death and see his struggle and that people start talking and reaching out. 

know that I am here. reach out to ME. talk to ME. and if I can talk to YOU let me know. Unless you're Lissa because, that's given ;) You've saved me once pretty girl, I know that you'll continue to save me time after time. 

SAY SOMETHING!!!!

well... i wasn't sure that i was going to blog about this. i was pretty sure that i was going to keep this one under wraps because quite frankly... i didn't think anyone would care. still not too sure that anyone is going to but... because i'm not happy with the way it was handled i'm going to open my mouth. 

do you know what i was doing three weeks ago? 

i had a bottle of pills in my hand and i was going to swallow them. 

i wanted to end my life. 

i texted three people and told them i wanted to end it all. i told them that i was to the point where i wanted to take all of my pain meds and end it all. 

and how was it handled? 

no one responded. well, one did. he texted me as soon as he got on his break. but all he said was NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! and then NICCI? to make sure i was still there. 

my other friends? one was sleeping and messaged me the next afternoon with, that's not a good solution. come visit. 

the other one? I MESSAGED HER. the next day because i needed someone. anyone. her phone was dead and she didn't think i was serious. and she didn't know what to say. 

the other one didn't know what to say.

so let's just stay silent right?

so you're probably wondering why i'm still here. right? i honestly didn't think that i had enough pills to go through it and then my mom walked in on my sobbing hysterically and then i just lost it on her when she wrapped her arms around me with:

i'm don't want to be sick anymore. when am i gonna be better? i should be better already! i just wanna die! i'm all alone! no one cares about me! why am i all alone? why did everyone leave me? why am i still sick? why did god do this to me? 

and a lot more, i just don't remember. 

but it was a very dark place.

but really. let's just not say anything or not talk about it because it doesn't matter or should be swept under the rug, right? 

WRONG! 

ALWAYS SAY SOMETHING! 

suicide should NEVER be taken lightly. ESPECIALLY when you know that the person struggles with depression and has struggled with suicidal ideations before. it's not a joke and should NEVER be treated as such. 

you should have called my mom. or my sister. come on, man. 

how would yoi'm still u have felt if you had gotten the call the next day, Nicole's dead. and you were just like... i thought she was kidding? you would've felt like shit. 

i struggle with this stuff more than i'd like to. sometimes i'm tempted to cover up my ' you cannot be replaced' tattoo because honestly? can i really not be replaced? sometimes i doubt that. i really do. 

cushings has given me the worst depression. it really sucks and i struggle with it all the time. and the darkness comes and washes over me out of nowhere. and it's like i can't see the stars. i get sucked into the abyss and i'm just drowning. when i reach out to you, i'm not doing it because i want to. i'm doing it because i need to. 

sometimes i don't know who i can rely on. sometimes i don't even think i can rely on myself. :(

thank god for my mom, though. 

suicide isn't something to mess around with. i don't take it lightly. i've lost people to suicide and when i say i want to end my life, I WANT TO END MY LIFE. 

there are things i could tell you that would make you cry, if you knew what i was thinking. you'd be like, but you seem so happy.

do you have ANY idea as to what this disease has done to me? any clue at all? every day i'm fighting for my life. 

i may have received my cure, but i'm nowhere near where i need to be. i'm still not able to work. not able to go back to school. not able to run around and be free. i'm still taking baby steps and it sucks. do i try and see the positive side to life? always, but i have no control over when the darkness comes. and the fact that i'm alone in this doesn't help. you can say i'm not. but you're not fighting this with me. more than likely, you're one of the people that's left me high and dry. 

my point in this, is to not stay silent. NEVER stay silent. if someone is hurting, and they are coming to you, always say something. you never know how much you are going to be helping them. your words may be little and seem insignificant to you, but they will mean the world to someone else. 

no matter how much i am struggling, i will ALWAYS be there for my friends. ALWAYS. know that you can ALWAYS come to me. even if you're one of the few strangers that happens to come across my blog, if you need someone to talk to, if you're struggling, message me. i will listen. i may not understand what you are going through, but i promise you, i will be there. 

mental illness is made to be silenced and i'm sick of it. it should be talked about. what are we afraid of? just because it's not cancer? or aids? so what? TALK ABOUT IT!!! depression is real and it's happening. it should not be ignored, nor should the people who have it be ignored. if it were treated correctly, more lives would be saved. 

we lost a life in the cushings community a few weeks back because she couldn't handle the depression and being sick anymore so she jumped off a roof. it's not right that we get dismissed. doctors don't seem to realize how bad it gets for us. how dark it gets. depression is real in the cushings community and we need to band together and help each other out. we need our friends and our families to be there for us and help pull us out of the darkness. we need to feel unconditional love. we need to know that we are not alone. and let me tell you something, we feel COMPLETELY alone. no matter how many of you say you are there for us, you really need to prove it to us. and one slip up is going to make us doubt you. and you can't hold that against us. we're so used to being let down and hurting that it's just going to be one more thing in our dark world that we're going to be like, seriously? et tu, brute? that's what it'll feel like. and you can say it shouldn't be like that. and maybe you're right. but until you've lived this life, you can't judge us and can't tell us how to feel or what to do or how to act or how to be. 

take us seriously. 

listen to our cries for help. 

be there for us. 

ALWAYS SAY SOMETHING. 

jaded

*sigh*

i think that's what i am. jaded.

i used to have the most positive outlook on everything and believe the best in everybody. but now? seriously? the words, "i'm different", "i'm not like the rest of them" or "i've changed", just make me laugh. i really just want to fire back with kiss my ass you're just a fucking douchebag and i think the tone of my voice or some of my word choices do come across that way. i have had so many people walk out on me, prove me that i'm right, lie to me and throw my illness in my face that WHY SHOULD I TRUST YOU? why should i have faith in anybody really? even you who's reading this. honestly, what makes you any different? it was always, innocent until proven guilty, but i've been so hurt and basically DESTROYED by the people i care about (and no, i'm not just talking about people i've dated) that it's become you're guilty until proven innocent. and really, that's no way to live. my heart is so hardened right now, and I HATE IT! i was so open and feeling and happy and willing to just trust and love everyone that it burned me. it was thrown in my face so much, and now? now i'm starting to throw it in other people's faces. do they deserve it? i haven't decided that yet. maybe they do and maybe they don't. i actually had someone say to me yesterday that they want to prove to me that they can gain my trust. on the other side of the phone (because this was through a text message) i busted up laughing. seriously, bro? you want me to trust you? so you can prove to me that you're not like the rest of them? why? because you called me beautiful? haha. ok. please. i've heard that shit before. do you hear me? i'm terrible! i just can't believe ANYBODY anymore. it's like i've given up on people. and do you know WHY that is? because so many people have given up on me. a large part of me just wants to lock myself up in my room and say fuck off. seriously. do i need to take part in life and what's going on? maybe i could do the next few years on my own. just go to my doctors appointments and live in my house and become a hermit. would it really matter?

and my dog is dying. so i feel like a large part of me is dying. there is absolutely NOTHING i can do to fix him and i'm falling apart because i am going to lose my best friend, my healer. the being who has been through EVERYTHING with me and has never let me down. i've never gotten mad him, he's always there to cuddle with, he's always here with me, he keeps me company while i'm home alone since i can't work... what am i going to do without him? i'm REALLY going to know what it's like to feel completely alone now. now i'm actually going to be alone. and it's going to suck. he's always here. don't they say that animals should live forever? i know they don't and i know that this day would come, but why now? why? it's awful. just watching him. he barely eats, he can't jump up on the couch anymore, i have to carry him up and down the stairs to go outside to go to the bathroom, i have to put him on my bed to go to sleep at night, he always sleeps, he has a hard time holding himself up... but some days it's like he's not sick. i hate this. i fucking hate this. i hate watching him suffer. it reminds me of watching my grandfathers (both of them) suffer and there was nothing that i could do to help them when they were sick. i feel helpless and so lost. i just don't know what to do, except cry. i'm a basketcase.

i'm in so much physical pain all of the time. it starts in my back and goes through my legs and into both of my feet. i had an mri of my lower back done and my dr said that there's something on it but not enough to really do anything except physical therapy. but idk how i'm going to do physical therapy when i'm always in so much pain. to me it seems like a catch 22. it just seems i get a little better and then i get a little worse. i have lost 51 lbs though, so that's a plus. i had the mri of my brain done, too. i don't go to the dr to go over it until next week, but i read the report and it's clear, so that eases my conscious a little bit. my headaches have started going away, too, but, with the amount that i've been crying today, i'll probably have a nice one tonight.

maybe i'm just sick of feeling alone, and like a burden. because i do. i want to be healthy enough to go back to school and to have a career so i can do my own thing. i want to stop relying on people and maybe get the hell out of here and move away from everyone and go someplace where no one knows me and then everyone can forget that i ever existed and then they won't have to feel sorry for me anymore. because sometimes, that's how i feel these friendships work. people just feel sorry for me, because honestly, that's what the people who left did. they felt sorry for me. but i know that's not true. i know my REAL friends love me and would take a bullet for me. because i'd do the same for them. i know my inner circle and we're tight and i know i can trust them. i guess i'm just having a pity party today. but i am getting jaded and i do feel bad. and part of me thinks i am going to die alone. all of my friends are either on their second marriage or their third baby daddy and i'm over here like, i love my dog and oh yeah, he's dying. but like, do i even WANT to settle down right now? honestly? mmm... i'm not so sure. i do like the idea of being able to do what i want, when i want and not having to worry about someone else. it's kind of nice. i know, this blog makes no sense, but honestly? I don't make any sense to me right now. ugh! talk about frustrating!!!

first, let me take a selfie

so, it occurred to me, this morning, as i was taking my "serious selfie" that... i may just not be ok with this whole being blind in one eye thing. i did think that i had accepted it, was ok with it and had moved past it but no... not today. actually, it wasn't until friday night, when i was on my date that it really hit me. we were out and he asked me about my blindness, mainly because i had explained that when we were walking i'd prefer him to be on my left side so that i could see him. and then he explained that he was walking on my right so that if a car came at us, he would get hit first, so that he could protect me. no one had ever explained it to me like that before. but, anyway, he asked me to tell him what was wrong with it and if i did exercises with it and what not so i told him and then he said he did notice that my eye seemed different in a few pictures but he didn't want to say anything. i kind of shrugged it off. and then this morning, my eye shifted, again, i hate when it does that. i can't really control it, but i knew that i was going to have a bad day.
i looked at the above picture i took and wanted to cry. i mean, i did cry, just not until about an hour ago. i kept cutting the picture in half with my hand and kept looking at my good side, the pretty side, the side that was normal and couldn't help but question WHY?! WHY did this happen to me?! WHY couldn't i have had a good surgeon?! WHY did my vision have to go?! WHY do i have to be an inspiration to people?! WHY do i have to keep up a positive attitude?! WHEN is it going to be my turn for things to fall into place?! WHEN am i going to really shine?! WHEN am i going to really start feeling better?! DAMNIT!!!!! FUCK THIS SHIT!!
that's what i was saying.
and then... then i went to the local community college because i wanted to take a non-credit writing course, or SOMETHING this summer because i'm CRAVING going back to school but, we all know that's not possible right now. i'm not healthy enough to do that. i won't be healthy enough to do that for quite some time. but i can't help but want it. i WANT to continue my education. i WANT to learn. i WANT to write. i mean, i AM writing. i've been writing for the past month or so, i've been writing short stories and it feels good to get creative again. i've always had a passion for writing. i don't know that i'm any good at it, but it feels good to do it.
and working. i miss that too. i'd never go back to that hell hole though. being sick i've been given the opportunity to reevaluate my life so i don't exactly know what i want to do with the rest of my life, well, i'm lying. i'm pretty sure i do, but that's my secret.
i don't know that i'm ok with having limitations. i've never had limitations before. i've always been free to do what i wanted when i wanted and how i wanted, and now i can't. it kinda sucks. and this whole eye thing... i'm not feelin it today. not at all.
i've been feeling better though. i've been having more good days than bad. i've been sleeping a lot though, but i guess that comes with the surgery. we all do that.

wait, how long has it been since i've updated this thing? quite some time. i've been having some pretty amazing days. i've lost a lot of weight and i look pretty damn good if i do say so myself! i've been going out on dates, that's been fun. have i met anyone worthwhile yet? possibly. i met some creepers and a MAJOR douchebag, and i mean MAJOR like seriously, what an asshole. but, he could cook so i got to have some really good food lol. i'm living life to the best of my ability and trying not to let anything get me down. that's why i was disappointed in this whole school thing.

my uncle frank passed away in march. he was one helluva man. i still get pretty sad about it. he was taken far too soon. but, it's nice to know that he's with his honey now and that they're watching over us.

it's going to take me some time to heal from this last surgery since cushings has owned me for the past few years, and i have to be patient, if cushings has taught me anything, it's patience. but, the better i feel, the less patient i get! i just want to run and be free and feel the wind in my face! i don't want these limitations anymore! there's so much that i want to do, that i can't do and i'd really like to not have this damn shifty eye anymore. i'd like to look one way in a picture and both of my eyes be focused. and usually they are, at least i think they are, but if i'm having a bad day,  then they don't. case in point, scroll up. *le sigh* oh well. there's not much that can be done about it, except bitch. right? and i do believe that i have that right after all that i've been through. i'm pretty good about keeping a positive attitude most days, just today, is just a pity party day. party of one.

chirp, chirp

all i hear are motherfreakin crickets.

chirp, chirp. chirp, chirp.

don't know where everyone ran off to. everyone wanted to know my business when i was on top of the world, my goodness. let's be nicole's best friend. let's see how nicole's doing. let's get invited to nicole's wedding. holy freaking shit. did my popularity SOAR when i was engaged! EVERYONE wanted to be my friend and i mean EVERYBODY!! of course, his cousins wanted to to make nice, that was a given. i had people i hadn't spoken to in YEARS wanting to spend time with me, and these people weren't even around when i got sick! but slap a diamond on that finger and blamo! instant bffs. this world is sick. oh and THEN when i break off the engagement, people are even thirstier! i'm getting slammed with messages from strangers wanting to know every dirty detail! heffas be hungry! seriously? and where were you when i first got sick? oh, and where are you now? riiiiggghhht....

and let's talk about the dear old friend whos wedding i was in. yeah. let's talk about that bitch shall we? right. i was always running for her. ALWAYS. i can't even tell you how many trips i made to Scranton. and if this gets back to her, GOOD. she needs to know how bad she hurt me. that girl was my BEST FRIEND. i mean, my BEST. we would stay up for hours talking about EVERYTHING. we did just about everything together. but i was the one who held the relationship together. i did the running. i made all the first moves. i was always going to her house, making the lunch/dinner/club plans, etc. so when i broke my foot we lost touch because i couldn't come out to play. i actually lost touch with a lot of friends because i was useless to them. i was no longer the fun party girl because i was broken. and then she texts me one night, how's my favorite gimp doin? my response? oh you mean the gimp with the brain tumor? yeah. that threw her off. so we talked and i freaked her out and she started to be there for me. she started to be the friend i needed. and then she got engaged. and i was excited. her bf kept me in the loop before anyone else. i knew the night of and called her 10 seconds after she said yes. we had one of the greatest friendships of anyone i ever knew. and then... she gets married and i became invisible. now, when people get married, things change. that i understand. but to flat out say to me, i'm married and i have a family. i don't have time for you anymore. to say that to me? how fucking dare you! are you serious?! of course, this is a few days after i break up with my fiance and she says this? because i really need that shit. and my parents went above and beyond for her wedding. i couldn't afford to be in it, but they did everything they could for me. everything. i was out of work, wasn't even on disability and had depleted all of my funds. i was ghetto broke. and for to end our friendship because i wasn't married and didn't have kids so i wouldn't understand what it was like... bullshit. but i guess i didn't matter to her then. right? so... it just ended. just like that. i lost, who i thought, was my best friend, just because i wasn't married and didn't have kids. i didn't know that was the criteria for friendship.

and now facebook has been getting on my nerves. i'm ready to get rid of it. i don't see a point to it anymore. what purpose does it serve? i see funny pictures or see touching videos. i don't really use it to keep in touch with people. i don't really care about my support groups. i don't really care about anything anymore, to be honest with you. i did just delete three people. two of the people i addressed in the first rant. and one that i'll be addressing later. i'm drowning into a pit of darkness and i'm not bitching about it, and then i see all of these people complaining about such trivial things that they can fix. and i'm sitting here like... HELLO!!! i can't see. i can't work. i'm still in recovery. my hormones are dead. i'm dead inside. most days i just want to give up and die. but am i bitching and complaining about it? no. but is anyone asking me how i'm doing? no. maybe if someone was checking on me, i might not feel so awful. oh, who am i kidding. i probably would because i have absolutely no control over what's going on inside of my body. none whatsoever. and i pretty much either don't care about what's going on or i hate you. or it. it's true. i'm numb. or i'm crying. this is my life. and it's lonely. really, really, lonely. and i'm told that most people probably don't know what to say to me. really? is it really that hard to fucking say hey nic. just wanted to check in. or hey nic how are you feeling? or hey nic how are you? or hey nic love you. really? not that fucking hard!! so what's the point in having a facebook to keep in touch with people when they just don't care to keep in touch and you're struggling to keep above water?

so. let's talk about my anger toward my old job. and how a bunch of shits they are. when i first got sick everyone was there for me. my 'friends' promised to stick by me, no matter what. and for the most part they were. when i broke my foot, i was still working and they made it fun. aside from the bitch who started the rumor that i broke my foot so i could spend time on the beach. right, how the fuck would i get there?! dumb cunt. and then we found out about the brain tumor. that was a lot for all of us to swallow. but we all pulled together and we were all gonna fight this together. and then i was out of work, after the surgery. but i still tried to keep in touch. i tried to be a part of everything. and then people started to drift. and i was alone. when i came back to work, everything was different. no one would talk to me. it was like i was a leper. rumors had spread about me behind my back, saying that i was talking shit about them while i was out. i don't know who i'd be talking shit to because i didn't have anyone! but the rumor was that i was spewing on facebook. ah lovely facebook. so my return to work was absolutely terrible. i was alone. in a dark office. and i cried, every day. and when i'd trip over something because i couldn't see it, God forbid they didn't leave it in my foot path, i was told that maybe i shouldn't be working. but my 'friends' weren't there for me. they were the first to abandon me. and yet they want to be friends on facebook? really? how bout no. how bout i was the dumbass that accepted that friend request because i thought things could go back to the way they were, before all of the hurt, but turns out... i'm still holding on to all of that hurt so no. you have been DELETED.

i'm dead inside. dead. dead. dead. really. i can't get excited about anything. at all. i really can't. i try. but... nada. nothing. i think i MAY be excited about my trip in June. i'm trying anyway. i tried to get excited about seeing my wifey a few weekends ago, but i couldn't. i just kinda went through the motions. that really sucked. i was glad i got to spend time with her, and glad i got to see hubster but excited? nope. even when she mentioned us going away in novemeber... nothin. this whole hormone thing better get straightened out and soon because i don't know how much more of this i can take. i really don't. my psychiatrist did some messing around with my meds but so far, i haven't noticed any difference yet. my sister says it can take up to two weeks to see a change and it hasn't even been a week yet. le sigh. fingers crossed i see something soon.

so chirp chirp.

i posted something about how upset i am that people have disappeared. i think what bothers me the most is that the people that i want to care don't. i want to be hearing from my cousins. i would go running for them. and they've all disappeared on me too. but... what can ya do? i'm just not that important to them and that's something i have to get used to. you'd think that after almost two years i'd be used to it by now. and maybe i should be. and i will be. but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt or that it doesn't suck.

maybe because i cared so much i expect people to care the way i do. but, i'm starting to not care anymore... about anyone really. that's this whole being dead inside thing. it's making things easier to deal with. you don't care about me? i won't care about you. the less i hear from you, the less i need to and the less i'll want to. the less i'll try to contact you and pretty soon... i'll end up deleting you. or? when i delete my facebook you really won't be hearing from me unless YOU contact ME because like i said, dead inside. i'm as warm as winter baby. just call me the ice queen.

chirp, chirp.