cushings- the ultimate friendship test

being diagnosed with something as serious as cushings, really tests the limits of friendships. and im gonna write this out for anyone who's been diagnosed with something life-threatening, life-altering, anything scary... whether it be cushings, cancer, pancreatitis, a mental illness, lupus, pcos, lymes disease, any kind of illness that changes who you are-inward and outward that YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER. a disease that controls you. a disease that takes over your emotions, your physical and mental well-being. a disease that makes you a burden to others... or makes you feel like you're a burden to others, or... that makes others TREAT you as though you're a burden to them... ready?

so... ive been feeling like the worst friend ever. why, you ask? nicci, you say... you're always there for me. you're always  putting others before yourself. you're fun and you're there and you're wonderful...

ok, so why don't i feel wonderful? why do i feel like im not a good friend? i feel like im not there enough. i feel as though cushie nicci isn't good enough for those of you who have stuck around. but that's not true. and that couldn't be farther from the truth, but when i realize that, ill be happier. and i know this.

i am so happy to have you in my life, those of you who have stuck around, and those of you who have decided to come around STRONGER for me now. those of you who have seen me falter and decided, hey... nicci has always been the strong one, the one whose never left my side... its time for me to do the same... and that's so awesome... like... you have no idea.

but its hard for me to not feel like im letting some of you down. and i see that i have let some of you down, which is why you've chosen to walk away from me. because im not healthy enough to be the friend i once was to you. im not healthy enough to be there all the time. im not healthy enough to run around like i did, to go dancing, to attend events, to drop everything and go. to spend money the way we did, to afford things...

i dont have money. today i was gonna pay to go out using quarters. its sad to admit, but... it would have been worth it... but those plans got smashed because of how sick i got and how much pain i was in. but that wonderful friend of mine... said no matter what hed still love me and just wanted me better and wed make it up.  who just wants a cure for me, so ill be better all the time. that's a real friend.

i have real friends. these friends who get mad at my disease with me. like ashleigh, who last night wanted to punch cushings in the face for me.

my twin who doesnt get mad when i just vent to her and then apologize and she tells me not to because i have every right to be mad right now.

i have a truly blessed life. it just hurts that i cant be who i feel like i should be for people. but as mana so lovingly puts it, its time to let people be there for me.

but then when i feel like just saying, ok. let people be there for me... i tend to hear crickets. it gets quiet...

getting sick is the ultimate friendship test. you really see who is going to be there for you and who won't be. who actually cares and who doesn't. there are too many names to write down of who acutally cares. i dont write that list because my memory sucks and id offend someone if i left them out. but my circle knows who they are. and they know that i love them.

and i do. i love all of you and appreciate all that you do.

one day were gonna kick cushings ass.

i just dont think the sickness that is the past week is cushings related. le sigh.

anyway. its a total test this whole being sick thing. those of you who dont get sick, dont get it. you can bounce around and you dont realize how much leaving us behind hurts. you dont get it.

i was always fucking there for you but once i needed you... fuck it. done.
so goodbye.

and you know what the sad part is? i dont even really miss you.

oh well

everyone has a life of their own. i have a life of my own. sure, right now it may not be that exciting. and it may revolve around doctors appointments, tentative plans, my health and taking it easy, but its my life. and my friends dont mind just sitting on the couch, or going with me to the doctors or sitting at a restaurant. they dont mind it... becuase it's spending time together. they dont mind full conversations through texts or emails because that's all i can do... it's what friends are for. and if i have to cancel? they dont get mad at me. or say, she's always sick. or she's using her sickness as a copout. or say something like, im so sick of you being sick all the time. nope. they say, i may not understand, but i love you and i just want you to get better. and THAT means everything.

just remember that words do hurt. that sticks and stones thing is bullshit.

and remember this... we wont always be sick. so if were not good enough for you now, dont expect YOU to be good enough when were better :)