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Saturday, May 19, 2012

miss me?

so its been a whirlwind. a sickly unfun whirlwind.

too sick to finish the cushings challenge.

but whatever. i ended up back in the hospital. that lovely c.diff came back with a vengence. but of course that dipshit at the GI place told me i had nothing to worry about. you're fine nicole. thats normal. take another pill.

no. no. no. that's not normal. i dont feel good. this isnt normal. i feel awful. theres too much blood. i shouldnt be in this much pain.

i finally got someone to listen to me. i ended up in the ER, TWICE and then being admitted. i love hospitals. and no, that wasnt sarcasm. LVH was wonderful. big room, comfy bed, wonderful doctors, amazing nursing staff... aside from all the pain... it was great. i slept wonderfully... and they figured out the problem. they put me on some hardcore antibiotics. i had the choice of staying a few more days or going home but all they would do for me was antibiotics and rest, so i went home. bed rest and antibiotics. i was kind of nervous. i had a nice little anxiety attack on the way home but i survived it. mom, annie and i went to dinner on the way home.

im loved. thats for sure. i had some nice flower deliveries. and my friends, my REAL friends, checked in on me, and my cousin jeffrey came and visited! of course my brother and my fam came and visited. my friends wanted to, as well, but i had to turn them away. i was wayy too sick and i too uncomfortable to have them in there with me...

but i do appreciate them being there and wanting to be there. the thought was there, and much appreciated.

ive been touched by the kindness that ive been shown.
ive also decided who can get the fuck out of my life and never come back.
theres the door.

and ive been surprised by who's walked into my life. but i wouldn't change it.

im glad i got sick. it's brought me closer to some pretty wonderful people and im happy to have them in my life. i have some friendships that are growing pretty strong! and i love love love it!

special shoutout to my twin. seriously. like... i dont even think she knows. but she probably does. we have that twin thing. so i dont even need to say it. :)

so back to the sick thing. just because i dont complain all the time, doesnt mean im not sick. what does complaining do for anyone? it just makes everyone annoyed. it makes me feel worse than i already do. id rather try and spread cheer or think happy thoughts rather than wallow in my own misery. i dont pity myself or feel sorry for myself. there's no point. its not going to get me anywhere. it's not going to change what happened.

but it also doesnt mean im not sick.
it doesnt mean im not in pain.
it doesnt mean i dont need to know someone cares.

ive always been the kind of friend that i want to have. but it seems to me that... it's not really getting anywhere. i can count on both hands the number of people i can count on (excluding family) and you know what? thats fine by me :) i like the people i spend time with and the people who actually care. the ones who legit put a smile on my face.

ive been having those horrible headaches again. so i went for my nerve block yesterday. not only did i spend most of the day in the bathroom... my headache went away! so it was a lose/win situation? but i made sure i enjoyed my day... liz came with me. and we surprised csilla with graduation balloons. and i got my dress for ericas wedding. so yay for that.

im super excited for ericas wedding. hughs my date. im so glad hes one of my greatest friends. and im glad i got to spend yesterday with liz. shes so nice to talk to.

im always surprised when people step up. maybe i shouldnt be, but i am. and yesterday it was nice. and i opened up to her about alot. things i dont tell anyone, unless theyre in my circle... aka danielle, twinny, girl with the coolest name everr, bestie, ange, chellbell or my family. so its like... BAM. its nice being able to trust someone. and its nice having an inner circle.

i dont remember what else i was... oh right

so im also on topomax now. i think its helping. its a little easier to form thoughts now. its not a TON easier, but, baby steps!

and... i think i know why im getting so angry... aside from the new drugs. and the cushings. next saturday, the 26th marks the 2 year anniversary of PMC misdiagnosing my tumor. fucking idiots.

this next line is not meant for weak eyes. so.. if you're under 18... dont read it


theres more i could say
but they  know what they did


im sad im sick today. its the relay for life and i wanted to walk with my mom.
for my mom
im so proud of her
kicking cancers ass
but its 80 degrees out. i wouldve gotten sick anyway, had i not been sick right now.
but shes walking. im glad her friend met her there.
and my aunts there.
and my brother is gonna walk the survivors lap with her. so thatll be nice for her
they're walking team cupcake
and thats my name :(

*sigh* one day they'll be a cure
for me.
for everyone

my disability hearing got scheduled. june 6th. finally. justice.

and now i feel like throwing up. awesome.

be blessed.

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