i can't fix you

i had a list of things that i wanted to write about... but this keeps eating away at me. 

i can't fix you. 

i can't. i don't have a toolbox. i don't have a magic wand. i don't have all the answers. 

i don't have a degree in psychology. i can't see the future. i can't erase the past. i can't fix your mistakes. 

can i give you advice? sure. but if you don't want my advice, don't ask me for it. if you don't want to hear what i have to say, why are you asking me? i've never been one to sugarcoat shit. i'm not going to protect your feelings. i don't care. i'm going to be completely honest with you. if i feel like you're acting like a complete fool, i'll tell you. if i think you're overreacting, i'll tell you. it's that simple. don't come to me with your problems, expecting me to wave a magic fairy wand or sprinkle fairy dust and POOF everything will be all better. HELLO this is reality. 

do i piss sunshine and rainbows on a daily basis? well, yes. BUT, i also know that life doesn't operate like that. there are hard times, there are tears and there is unfairness in the world. we need to accept that. if you can make the change for something positive happening in your life, then do something about it and stop fucking whining to me about it. 

here's a thought- I AM SICK! I AM A FUCKING SICK PERSON AND I AM NOT BETTER. I AM NOT WELL. or have we all forgotten that? i know, i'd like to forget that, too, but i kinda live with that every fucking day of my life. i'm so sorry that it weighs YOU down and that it's a problem for YOU. did you ever stop and think that maybe, just MAYBE you could be making me sicker? why don't y'all do some bloody research on cushing's instead of just thinking that because you know something with cushings that you know all about it. because you don't. 

stress makes me sicker. 

bad weather makes me sicker.

too much of anything makes me sicker. 

anxiety? makes me sicker. 

you have no idea what i'm going through on a daily basis because you don't ask. or you do ask and i'll give you a little bit and then it's back to being all about you. which is fine. i've been down this road, but seriously, the toxicity makes me sicker. 

i enjoy my alone time. i do. i haven't been going out because i don't feel well. my head's been hurting. my body's been aching and honestly? i've been getting anxious about going places by myself. maybe i need my medication increased. or maybe i don't want to go anywhere because i don't have any health insurance right now and i don't want to risk anything happening to me so i stay in my little bubble and that's ok. 

it doesn't mean i don't want to be around people. well, maybe it does. i do miss my friends though. i'm kinda thinking i'd like to have my karaoke peeps over. or maybe we should go out to dinner, minus the karaoke. because, well, we can't really hear each other over the singing. 

it was nice having lizzie curled up on the couch with me watching that cushings thing, even though she's allergic to my dog...

i think i'll write a book. maybe not a big book, but a pamphlet and give it to my friends and call it: How Cushing's Affects ME 

this way, they'll know what i'm dealing with. and how i'm dealing and what i need, what they can do, what i do, etc. 

betcha didn't know i lost feeling in my legs at church on Christmas Eve, didja... no. you didn't. only 2 people know that much... aside from my immediate family. and i'm ok with that. i don't need to tell the whole world my problems. i don't care. that's why i have this blog. i can say what i want and be free about it. that's the point of this. writing about my life with cushings. whoever wants to read it, can read it. 

ya know what is nice though? being cared about. and i am. i've gone to bed every night with a smile on my face for quite some time now. and i'm smiling right now. but that's another story for another day. :)

i'm a blessed girl. i'm not a victim, i've never been a victim. i can't STAND when people play the victim card. we're SURVIVORS! the more people start playing the survivor card the better off we'll be. but, too many people want to take advantage. it's disgusting. whatever.

but, like i said. i'm a blessed girl. every day i count my blessings. i have an amazing family, great friends, a loving dog, wonderful doctors, i have my health- yes i said it, my HEALTH- so what, it goes up and down, i have Cushings- yup. my disease is a blessing. i'm going to educate people. Cushings has taught me alot about myself and the world and that's ok. it's also given me alot of experiences. I never would have gotten to meet my dawniekins or greggypoo in sanfran and had the BEST chocolate in the world! :) i'm blessed.

i can't fix you. i can only work on fixing me, and that's a feat in itself. i can't fix you, i have enough on my plate. before you throw the weight of YOUR world on MY shoulders, try and consider what's going on in my life. no, you're right. i don't work and it may seem like i don't do much... but spend a day in my shoes. 

i'm exhausted. some days... showering takes alot out of me. you have no idea. so when you just think, oh, she has it sooooooooooooo easy. why don't you do some research. or, when you say, how are you? and i say, managing. or i respond with, i'm ok. or something short... if you REALLY want to know... ask  a little more. there's only a few people who choose to dig a little deeper. they know who they are. and those conversations mean the world to me. 

i'm really happy. i am. i have this beautiful sense of inner peace. my heart is so full that it feels like it's going to burst! my life is beautiful. but physically? some days... ick. some days... mentally it's rough, too. i'm wondering if cushings has given me seasonal depression, too. or? if it's all this shit that's been thrown at me. i know too much, and it makes me wanna throw up and i've got nowhere to go with this because i have no health insurance. and i can't blog about it... *sigh* just a few more days....

i love you all. i do. whomevers reading this. know that you're important and beautiful and wonderful and that everything is going to be ok. i just can't fix you. but you on the otherhand... you CAN. fix you.

don't cry to me argentina

the truth is i don't want to hear it.

well, ok. so i don't mind hearing about what's wrong. but seriously? do something about it. and if you're not gonna, shut up. it's as simple as that.

there comes a point in life where you have to realize that the crap that's happening to you... you kinda bring on yourself.

the way i see it... when i was going through the same problem over and over and over again. and nothing was changing... one day it just kinda hit me. like... maybe I was the problem. or ok, it wasn't me, but it was my approach. the situation was just shitty and i was accepting shittiness to keep happening. so what did i need to do? change the situation. i needed to stop accepting crap and start demanding more. and when the more wasn't coming, i needed to put on my brass bra and go titties to the wall and do it MY way. and if whomever was in the situation didn't like it, BYEBYE. this is NICCI'S WORLD. it's about ME. and MY HAPPINESS. i needed to put my feelings, my emotions, my self-worth first. if i'm crying and miserable, what good is that doing me, or those around me? NEWSFLASH!!! it's not doing any good!!

i've started cutting people out of my life. not started, i started that a while ago. i guess since it's almost the end of 2012, i'm noticing that since it's been 6 months or maybe longer without these people... i don't miss them... AT ALL. hell, it's been less than that for some and i don't miss them... and i don't know. is that sad? i had thought that they were such an important part of my life, that i wouldn't be able to get on without them... but here i am. i'm living, i'm breathing, i'm smiling and i'm doing just fine. what is sad, is that some of them are family. but what i've come to realize, family isn't always your bloodline. which is fine. i actually learned that years ago. my uncle on my mom's side is the biggest douchebag ever. seriously. if i died tomorrow, i wouldn't want him at my funeral. in fact, i'd want someone making sure he wasn't allowed to see my casket. and i mean that. and that goes for his wife and his kids. fuck them. all of them :) they're not my family. they're people who share my bloodline.

but yeah. it's been a year since i've seen or spoken to some people, and i don't know why they would still consider me a friend. wouldn't that just make us aquaintances? i don't miss you. you miss me? well... you should. i'm freaking amazing.

and don't contact me because you want something. seriously? what's wrong with you. i'm not gonna help you. i'm not gonna give it to you. and if i DO have what you need, you really think that i'm gonna help you out? why, because i'm a good, loving, wonderful person? you're right. i am all of those things. but please, tell me what you've done to deserve any of my awesomeness? that's what i thought.

i can only do so much. and i'm ready to rip my hair out. people come to me for advice because, as i've been told i'm 'refreshingly brutally honest'. so... if you're not happy with what i'm saying, don't ask me. especially don't ask me more than once. because my answer won't change. and if it does, it may get more harsh. i'm all about solving problems with love and trying to come up with a happy solution, but sometimes... a person just needs a slap in the face.

they say that the 'faults' we see in others are our own. so, i think i get frustrated when my friends are treated like garbage because, for so long, i was treated like garbage. so maybe, i do see my flaws in others. i don't want to see them being treated the way that i was, when i know that they deserve better, and i know that they know it, too.

too often we accept so much less than we deserve.

and let's talk about this no strings attached sex, shall we? when the hell did this become ok? i'm no angel, i've partaken. but good lord! more and more babies are havin babies! there are wayyyyyyyyyy too many babies without daddies. too many babies without mommies AND daddies. too many babies in need of adoptive homes, too many kids growin up in foster care. WRAP IT THE FUCK UP IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE SEX WITH WHOEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT ASSHOLE!

i'm prochoice. so, do what you want with your body. i don't care.

but if you're going to choose to have the baby, choose to take care of it!

i can't physically have kids, because of cushing's, now... but my goodness...

unless i can. that's something i was wondering. maybe i'm watching too much general hospital. i wonder if there's a procedure or something... but my eggs are probably bad.. and that's depressing.

right. the whole no sex in the champagne room. when did we become so ok with this whole no self-worth thing? aren't our bodies supposed to be temples? shouldn't we be worshipping them? why not let ONE person worship it, a person whom we love and cherish? not a kajillion wham-bam-thank-you-maam peeps! who knows where they have been? yeah, we're all gonna be with more than one person. but how bout, we're in a relationship before we hop into bed with the next guy or girl. let's value ourselves. let's value one another. let's stop overpopulating the planet. we keep talking about spaying and neutering dogs and cats because there aren't enough homes for them... take a look around you. there aren't enough homes for all the children out there. it's sad on both occasions.

and love.

let's start spreading more love, shall we? if you know me, you know that i believe in love more than anything else. i believe that love, above all things, can conquer any and everything! it is the light that the darkness most fears. it will make the ugly beautiful. romantic love, family love, friendship love... it's all beautiful. so spread it. tell someone you love them. and if you can't tell someone, show them. actions speak much louder than words, don't you think?

so don't cry to me, don't  cry for me, cry with me.

and wipe those tears away with a tissue of love. because love is the only answer.

not my cup o tea

i just choose not to drink the drama tea anymore.

and why should i? it tastes horrible.

maybe i come off like a bitch. maybe i come off cold-hearted, or mean, or whatever. but, look. if you're going to come to me with some bullshit that i really don't want to hear about, or that's going to make my stomach churn, or that's really fault of your OWN that is kinda sad and pathetic... and that's gonna be dramatic... i don't want to hear about it. i don't want to deal with it. at all.

there's a reason my life is as good as it is. there's a reason the lack of stress is there. I CUT IT ALL OUT! i don't do the drama anymore. i cut out dramatic people. i don't listen to their problems. i don't engage in it.

i understand that some people feel that they can talk to me. but why? where the hell have you been for me? we're not even really friends. we're AQUAINTANCES. and because something's going on in your life, that, trust me, i can say ALOT about, but i won't, that you wanna run your mouth on... no. it has NOTHING to do with me. at all. maybe because you think it involves some people i know, but not really. nope. i want NOTHING to do with ANYTHING.

if what you have to tell me doesn't directly affect me... i don't care.

if it's a problem that can't be solved by a positive change, oh well.

ok, so this is coming out wrong. i don't mind listening to my FRIENDS vent. i don't mind listening to my FAMILY vent. i don't. i don't mind listening to problems and helping come up with a way to solve them. i don't mind giving advice. but that's for the people i SINCERELY care about, and who ACTUALLY give a shit about me. not for random drive-by frienships.

i don't do drama. keep it to yourself. i don't want it in my life. there's a reason my life is so peaceful and happy.

and yes, i get that i'm sick. and yes, i get angry. i get sad. but it's a peaceful anger. it's a peaceful sad.
so go on, come at me with your drama-filled tea, and i'll just throw some hot water in your face because it's not for me anymore :)

laugh at yourself

how many of you take that perfect picture? or delete them off your camera/ cell phone if it's not right? you won't post it or let someone tag you if you don't like the way you look.

nope. my eyes are closed.
nope. i look fat
ew. what was i thinking
look at my face
i look gross
ew.

who are you trying to impress? who am I trying to impress? who are ANY OF US trying to impress? if we're trying to impress someone other than ourselves, then EHH WRONG ANSWER!

i do it. my god, do i do it. take my phone or my camera away from me, look at it. see how many pictures i have of myself. seriously, go look. and then see how many actually make it to my facebook.  i'm probably one of the most vain people i know.

or i was.

getting sick really turned things around for me. i gained 100lbs in 3 months. THREE FREAKING MONTHS! let's talk about that for self-esteem. so insert lots of drinking and meaningless sex to boost my self-esteem. no, i wasn't slutty. i only had sex with the douchey boyfriend i had. it was good sex, but it meant nothing.

i am looking forward to falling in love and having it mean something again. but that means i have to be comfortable with myself again. with my body. with these scars.

no, he never made me feel bad about myself. in fact, he liked thick girls, so i had that going for me. even though he cheated on me with a twig. but... idk. that's neither here nor there. i always felt pretty. for the most part.

but then the cushing's really kicked into high gear after the first surgery and i BALLOONED. and was camera shy. like, i hid. and ran and ew. ew ew ew ew ew. how i even HAD boyfriends, i couldn't tell you. they were dumbasses. and i don't know why i dated them. oh yeah. someone had to love a sick girl, right? the sex? ha. yeah. bad. omg. sooo sooo bad. but, i was getting it. and... he wasn't judging me so... it was ok, right? and i was finally comfortable enough with how gross i looked to take my clothes off for someone that it was ok. i think that's why i was having sex with him. aside from the whole "in love" thing, which we weren't. at all. at least i wasn't. i tried to be. i tried really hard. but it was a sham. i think it was a sham on his end, too. especially because, well, he's gay. but anyway.

i'm doing ok now. healthwise. i look amazing. i do. and my cortisol levels are normal. and i'm off my meds. SO LET'S TAKE PICTURES!

let's not care. let's tag ourselves. let's get over this crap of impressing people. if you have an issue with what i look like, jump off a cliff. i like myself. hell, i was hott when i was blimpy mcblimperson!! i'm beautiful INSIDE. and that's what i forgot. when you're beautiful inside, it shows outside. i'm blessed that i had people constantly reminding me of that, even though i chose to ignore them, i'm thankful that they never gave up on me.

so here's to pictures! so start snappin and start postin and start impressin YOU!!

this is what my brother thinks about my wackiness. but i wouldn't have it any other way :)

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL MY FRIEND! now get out that cell phone, make some silly faces and laugh at yourself! <3 it's a good time, trust me! i've been giggling like crazy!

the engagement!

did you hear?

she's engaged!

ohmigosh!

congrats!
let me see the ring!

he's her prince charming!

they broke up?!
are you ok?

what an asshole

what happened?!

and in between, while things were good and there was wedding planning, the amount of people who wanted to be around me was ridiculously insane! everyone wanted to have a part in the planning, in knowing what was going on. everyone had something to say. people i hadn't talked to in ages were commenting... the sick girl fell in love... her prince had come... blah blah blah. 

i fell for it, too. i didn't love him. i wanted to love him, but i didn't. and the sex was terrible. and he's gay. so ya know, that's kind of a deal breaker. 

but anyway... i fell for the people who wanted to be around. apparently a $5000.00 ring meant i was a big deal. that meant that people wanted to spend time with me. but, people should've wanted to spend time with me beforehand because i'm hella awesome! i just didn't realize that. 

and then there was the break-up. and, i being the wonderful person i am, refused to blow his shit up. i still don't. people still don't know all of what happened. unless you're really close to me, you'll never know the full story because it's none of your business. yes, he's gay, but that came out after the break-up. there was... nevermind. anyway, it never would have worked. i didn't love him, he didn't love me. he was abusive, etc. 

but, the people wanting to know, and asking me questions... wowza! and where are said people now? what happened? was i only important because i was engaged? because there was drama? i do believe that was the case. 

because they're ghosts now. 

i hate facebook. i really do. i don't post my personal business like i used to on purpose. there's way too much drama. if i feel the need to get shit out, i'll rant. or i'll blog and post the link. there's a not so friendly/uplifting at the end post up now but... i'm just sick of all the negativity i see. 

people can make changes in their lives and they don't. they'd rather play the victim or sit and cry about it. get the fuck over it. you can make changes in your life and you don't. well, too damn bad. we're responsible for what happens to us, most of the time. is it my fault i went blind? no. but i choose what comes next. i can sit and bitch and moan and whine and cry about it, or i can adapt and change and make positive steps to make things better and that's what i do. do i get annoyed when i trip and stumble and fall? of course. but, this is my life now, and this is what i have to do. i hate when people don't just DO things. stop whining, start doing. don't be lazy. 

lazy. ugh. too often that word gets abused. or misused for us sickies. but then i see people take advantage of the system that we sickies NEED and then we sickies get screwed. like me. i'm losing my health insurance in december because my ssi is gone and my medicaid stopped. medicare doesn't kick in til january and the adult basic program got cut. so because i didn't get knocked up or have a drug addiction, i'm screwed. i can't get sick the month of december, or have a flare up or anything. i'll be walking around in bubble wrap. woohoo. 

i still don't understand why people take their lives for granted. you don't know how good you have it. you woke up didn't you? your heart is beating. yeah, you might be going through a rough time right now, but it's going to get better. and if there is something that YOU can do to make it better, and i'm sure there is, DO IT. even if it's eating a piece of chocolate, or smiling at a stranger, or letting someone get in front of you in line, DO IT. you'd be amazed at what a little bit of kindness can do for your soul...

and another thing. APPRECIATE SOMEONE!!! i said it. i'd like to know i'm appreciated, i really would. i'd like someone to say to me, nicci, i appreciate you. i really do. thank you for being you. it'd be nice to hear. i hear it from danielle, ivory, amanda, my wifey, mama lee... but it would be nice to hear it from someone that i don't hear it every day from. because, i appreciate YOU and i try and let people know how important they are to me, all the time. i don't want my friends and family, the people i care about, to think that they don't matter, because you do. you're important to me and i adore you. i wouldn't tell you that i cared if i didn't. i wouldn't involve myself in your life if i didn't care. i wouldn't argue with you or try to hold onto these relationships if they didn't matter, would i? i'd just let them die off, which is what i've been doing with others...

and now... peeing in jugs. yup. it's that time of year again. i've had to stop my cushings med, which you'd know if you'd been keeping up with my bloggity blog. since i'm losing my insurance i have to do it a month early. i turn in the jugs tomorrow and we see what my levels are and what kind of success radiation has been. that's just a little stressful. 

and then there's foot surgery on tuesday, which my darling danielle is taking me to.

and the insurance stress

and the people stress

and the insomnia

and the cortisol highs and lows

and the dizzy spells

and the cushings sucking ass

and the holiday

and we saw TSO tonight, what an awesome show. 

and the people garbage. 

so yeah. cushings has been kicking my ass. so i'm anxious to see what the peejug is going to reveal. oh, right. what am i talking about? i pee in a jug for 24 hours and that monitors my cortisol levels. my dr will look at the results and see if they're high or low. i've been off the cushings med for almost a month and we'll see what kind of change, if any, there has been. so then we'll see if i need to be put back on it. 

and yes. i am really blind in my right eye. no my brain surgeries were not a joke. i am not kidding when i say i can't see. i really can't. it's not funny. don't joke about it. making cracks on a person with a disability is NEVER funny. how old are we? 5? 

that's another things. kids need to learn respect. oh my. i need to stop or this will just keep going.
i better sleep tonight!!!

be blessed!

shine bright little star.

part of me feels like i need to apologize for me, but i won't.

part of me feels that i should apologize for what happened TO me, but that's not going to happen either.

instead... i'm going to thank you.

and please, don't take credit, because there are some of you who are going to say, i've been around, i've been there for her, and you're a lying piece of shit who needs to jump off it because you went running when things got tough and you're no longer in the picture because there's no longer room for me in your life. and that's fine. you're reading this and you probably are thinking, what is she talking about? i was there. sure, you were. at some point. and that's fine. so thanks. you served your purpose. maybe a season. but seasons change. so make like an autumn leaf and go fly away. your colors changed, you've fallen from my tree. goodbye.

ANYWAY.

this is to those of you who are here. who are now. those of you who haven't left. who have stepped up. who have shared in my heartache. my struggles. my frustrations. you've cried with me. you've sang with me. you've laughed with me. you've sang to me. you've helped me find my joy again. you've helped me find the song in my heart when i thought i had no song left to sing. you didn't leave.

and i thought you did. so many times i had felt like you forgot about me, like you had moved on without me, like i didn't matter. like my tears didn't mean anything. that my struggles meant nothing... but that was never the case, was it? you were always here, weren't you...

if you've been paying attention, any attention at all, you know that i have this little disease called CUSHINGS. and you know that it sucks, it sucks A WHOLE LOT. you know that i put on a brave face and i smile through it the best i can. now, if you've done your research, and by research i mean more than just read my blog you know about what comes with it. in case you haven't, i'll fill you in... this is what i've been dealing with:
- SEVERE mood swings angel-bitch-psycho-crying-angel real fast and not know why
- SEVERE panic attacks
- SEVERE anxiety- to the point where i'll be afraid to leave my house
- night terrors
- 29 and in menopause
- i can't conceive, i can't give birth... that's alot for a young girl to deal with. ALOT.
- confusion
- forgetfulness- who/where i am
- memory loss- who/where you are, what we're doing, what we're supposed to be doing, past events, the past few years
- dizzy spells, nausea, falling into things, stomach issues, MRSA, infections, tumors, sinus junk
- migraines that confine me to bed
- 3 brain surgeries
- balance difficulty
- loss of sight in my right eye
- bone loss, which means my bones are very brittle
- i've shrunk- i'm now 5'11 1/2 and i used to be almost 6'1
- i weighed almost 300lbs and i used to be 185...
- my body went through crazy changes. i hated the way i look. some days i still do.
- a moon face.
- easy brusing
- scared that i'm going to die. because this disease is a silent killer. and no one understands it. doctors don't get it. we don't get it. YOU don't get it.

that's just a little blurb. so... it hasn't been an easy journey. it still isn't easy. i mentioned in my last blog about a breakdown i had back in october. well, that breakdown probably should've hospitalized me. i'm not even kidding. i thought about it. signing myself into the hospital. not around here though, pmc sucks monkey balls. BIG monkey balls, god i hate that place. but yes, i did really think about it, alot. alot, alot. i went and saw my psychiatrist, and i have no secrets, and no shame in saying that i cried alot when i talked to her and she said, you don't need an antidepressant, you need a mood stabilizer. and ya know what? i finally caved. i said ok. i hate being on medication, and i've resisted for so long. but, i said ok. i did not want to be the crazy girl on medication!!! but, ok. let's try it. it's not fair to my family or my friends or to me to be snapping all the time. to not understand what's wrong. and my dr, she said, you're not crazy. you had a tumor take over your brain nicole. you need help, it's ok to take the help. so, ok. and you know what? i'm getting there. i'm understanding things more. i'm not as sad. i'm not freaking out all the time. it's only been a week, but i'm seeing a difference. granted, i just kinda yelled at my mom, sorry ma. but, it's a gradual thing. and i'm gonna get there. and i'm gonna be ok.

but you... you haven't given up on me, have you? you've stuck  by me. mood swings, crying spells, happy, sad... all of it.

and when i wanted to drive off the road, you wouldn't let me. when i wanted my life to end, you made me see the value. you all just wrapped your arms around me and said it's going to be ok. we love you. you love you, it's in there. you're gonna find it again. when i couldn't find my song, you sang it to me. you didn't leave me, you were always here. i just... i can't always see it.

sometimes the brightest stars need the darkest skies to shine. i love you for shining through my darkness

a little sugar, a little spice

well... it's been a while, hasn't it? ALOT has been going on, and then maybe alot hasn't been going on...

it's been up and down and all around here...

i posted a little about my breakdown in my last blog, but i didn't make it really public, or, moreso, didn't post much about it, just that i had a breakdown. October 10th.full on breakdown. Now, I don't know if it was a nervous breakdown, or what you want to call it, but everything came to surface. Everything had been coming. Things had been getting bad. I'm just really good at keeping it all inside... I was like a tea kettle, or a volcano, and it was time for me to errupt... and errupt I did.

I'm blessed though, I was really taken care of that night, and for the weeks to follow...

But let's talk about this breakdown, shall we?

You all know I'm fighting cushings, which every day in itself is a battle and I think I've come to handle it quiet well. I'm not medicated to deal with the emotional aspect of it, which is changing today, as my neurologist so lovingly put it, he can't have his sunshine going dark :) I try to stay positive as best I can. I had some pretty rough things to deal with, family hurts. People telling me that my life sucks, that my friends are moving on and leaving me in the dust... and I guess I had starting to believe that. But really? That's not true. Those same friends that I was being told were going to leave me? Were the ones who were saving me that night. (I've come to these realizations POSTBREAKDOWN MIND YOU)

So breakdown, right. I was on bedrest for most of September and I felt neglected. I was stuck at home. I couldn't go anywhere, I could hardly walk. I was doped up most of the time and in excrutiating pain. I felt alone...

And before that, there was a bunch of hurtful stuff that happened in July/August that I don't even want to BEGIN to talk about because it just turns my stomach and makes my eyes water because these are the people who were never supposed to break my heart. Oh wait, but I'm Nicole, he'd never hit me right? He didn't hit me, but it doesn't mean I'd ever trust him again. Or that I like him. Or that I can even stomach the thought of him. Trust? Right. I've turned over a new leaf. Once you've broken my trust, that trust is DEAD. GONE. BYE BYE.

October's always a hard month for me. There were alot of deaths that month. And it was my birthday. I was just... not feelin it. I never do.

I just felt myself slipping. And I wasn't angry anymore. I wasn't sad. I just felt hopeless. I didn't want to die. I just didn't want to exist. I just felt... blah. I didn't want to be anymore. I felt like no one would care either way.

A close friend of mine had an abortion. I had one. But this one...I just couldn't handle it. And the pressure was on me to deal with it. To take her for the appointments. Which made me late to my doctors appointments. Which added more stress to my life. Which I can hardly handle.

And then there's the stress of day to day life. I don't work. I can't work. I miss working. I miss being a contributing member of society. Some days I feel like I'm just useless. What am I good for? What can I do? I give smiles and sunshine, and if I'm not giving smiles and sunshine, what good am I?

And then I have people telling me that I'm not good enough. That what I feel that I'm good at, I'm not. Or that they feel sorry for me. I don't need your sympathy. I don't need your pity. Don't feel sorry for me. Because I don't. I'm going to be ok. I'm just not ok.

When you ask me how I'm doing, and if I say, "I'm managing" or "I'm not ok" I AM NOT OK!!! listen to me, would ya?

One of the benefits of having a meltdown at that beautiful bar that I like to hangout at with my amazing friends, (and no, i don't drink) someone finally listened! as my wonderful friend put it, "you're always saving everyone else, maybe tonight you need to take your cape off and let someone save you".

i was there for a few hours. talking to people. hugging people. having people LISTEN TO ME. and not just, uh huh, yeah ok, listen. i mean, REALLY listen. and they are beautiful people. BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.

i talked about how scared i was that my dr wants to stop my cushings medication to see if radiation was successful, bc keto isn't something i need to be on for a while. i'm freaking out bc of the anxiety, the weight, the blowing up, the idk what could happen. and they all stepped up and offered to come to my house and sit with me.

after my breakdown? i had people sitting with me. taking time to be with me. spending a day with me. a few hours with me. talking with me. it's been good. i've always been the one to reach out to everyone, make the calls, make the plans, but it's hard for me now. and i feel like i shouldn't always be the one to do it. but i also think i need to do it, too.

idk. sugar and spice.

so... it's been 2 years, 2 months and 4 days since my first surgery and 3 days off the ketocanazole. i'm down 29 lbs so... that's good... i wish it were more but i'll take what i can get!

i took that picture before going to the psychiatrist today. not bad, right? :) starting to feel beautiful again, and trying not to let the negativity of others bring me down. and i'm totally in love with the hat my little brother got me for my birthday!

so, what else... my disability came through, praise God. it's nice to be able to help out my parents. but... since i no longer qualify for SSI... my MA has been suspended so, in dec that means i won't have health insurance? and the only reason i know that is because i called today to find out about whether or not i will have MA once medicare kicks in in january...

so then i call my insurance company, and THEY tell me that NO my insurance has NOT been suspended... so wth. i'm just a basket of confusion...


just one thing after another i suppose...